aakhir judaa who ho gayaa kuch din guzaar ke (nayi ghazal)

[Shummu]

Salaam ahl-e-bazm..urdustan ke mushaire mein Faiz ka ye misra diya gaya tha 'Woh ja raha hay koi shab-e-Ghum guzaar ke'... us pe maine bhi kuch jaldi jaldi mein likha tha aur bhej diya tha..aur ye bataate hue khushi ho rahi hai ke mera kalaam teesre number pe aaya...lijiye ghazal pesh hai.aap ki aara ki muntazir :)


maiN ne kabhee jo dekhe haiN sapne bahaar ke
manzar nazar meN ghoom gaye Khaar-zaar ke

kyuN tum ho intizaar meiN yuN Gham Gusaar ke?!
dekho kabhii KHUDAA ko bhi dil se pukaar ke

kitnii ujar gayi hoon maiN tere firaaq meiN
nazroN se dekh parda-e-nafrat utaar ke

aansoo bataa rahe haiN mujhe uske dil ka haal
'Woh jaa raha hai koi shab-e-Gham guzaar ke'

dil ke udaas panchi khabar de rahe haiN ye
mausam badal rahe haiN dil-e-khushgawaar ke

dete haiN bhook meiN mujhe raahat wahi samar
toRaa tha jinko maine kabhii sang maar ke

saaya shadeed dhoop meiN dete haiN woh mujhe
kyoNkar na hoN azeez shajar kuu-e-yaar ke

dil ko saraaye samjhaa thaa shayad :Shumaa'ilah:
aakhir judaa who ho gayaa kuch din guzaar ke

faqat,
Shumaila



P.S:maine ghazal mein kuch tarmeem ki hai ..ummeed hai ab ghzal pehle se behtar ho gayi hogi

[Abdullah Nazir]

Azeezah
S H U M M U,

Purkhuloos Tasleemaat,

Aapki taazah ghazal pasand aayi jiske liye meri dili daad aur mubaarakbaad qubool farmaayiye.

[/u]dekhe kabhii jo maine haiN sapne bahaar ke
fauran hi de gayaa mujhe manzar woh khaar ke [/u]

saTHi Taur per paRhne se yooN meHsoos houtaa hei ke dounoN misraAaoN meiN zamaana-e-Haazir aur Maazi kaa ikhtilaaf hei. Lekin aisaa nahiN hei kiyunkeh jumlah sharTiyah hei (jab bhi maine bahaar ke sapne dekhe heiN, wo mujhe khaar ke manzar de gayaa. Is liye yeh maTlaA bahut hii achchaa hei.

kab tak talaash meiN rahoge Gham Gusaar ke?!
dekho kabhii KHUDAA ko bhi dil se pukaar ke

Pahlaa miSraA beHr se khaarij hougayaa hei. Iski taSHeeH yooN housakti hei:
a)kiyuN tum hou intizaar meiN yooN ghamgusaar ke?
B)be-faiZ intizaar meiN hou ghamgusaar ke.
Yaa aap jaise bhii chaaheN.

kitnii ujar gayin hoon maiN tere firaaq meiN
nazroN se dekh le kabhi nafrat utaar ke

Pahle miSreA meiN lafz "gayiN" nahiN balkeh "gayi" hounaa chaahiye. Doosre miSreA meiN "dekh le" se pahle "nazraoN se" yaa "aankhaoN se" kii zaroorat nahiN rehti. Isi meiN aek aur zaban ki mushkil hei "nafrat utaar ke" . Nafrat utaarnaa koii istiAarah nahiN hei. Agar ham kaheN "khalAat-e-nafrat utaar ke" tou baat maQool maAloom houti hei. Is liye doosre miSreA ko badalnaa zaroori hei. Is waqt mere zehn meiN koii tajveez nahiN hei.

aansoon bataa rahe haiN mujhe uske dil ka haal
'Woh jaa raha hai koi shab-e-Gham guzaar ke'

Lafz "aansoo" hei nah ke "aansoon". Bahut achchi gireh lagaayi hei aap ne Faiz ke miSreA per.

dil ke udaas panchi khabar de rahe haiN ye
mausam badal rahe haiN dil-e-khushgawaar ke

Lafz "dil" kii takraar ke baavajood bahut achchaa sheAr hei. Waah waah.

dete haiN bhook meiN mujhe raahat wahi samar
toRaa tha jinko maine kabhii sang maar ke

SheAr Achcha hei.

saaya shadeed dhoop meiN dete haiN woh mujhe
mujh ko to haiN azeez shajar kuu-e-yaar ke

Pahle miSreA ke aakhir meiN "mujhe" aur doosre miSreA ke avval meiN "mujh ko" munaasib nahiN. Kaash doosraa miSraA yooN hou:
(kiyunkar azeez houN nah shajar kooy-e-yaar ke)

dil ko samajh rahaa tha saraaya* 'Shumaa'ilah'
aakhir chalaa gayaa woh bhi kuch din guzaar ke

Pahla miSraA vazn meiN hei lekin lafz "saraaya" nahiN. "saraa" aur "saraaye" mustaAmal heiN. Is liye pahle miSreA ko yooN kiyaa jaasaktaa hei:
(dil ko saraaye samjhaa thaa shayad :Shumaa'ilah:)
doosre miSreA ko vazn meiN laane ke liye yooN kiyaa jaasaktaa hei:
(aakhir judaa who hougayaa kuch din guzaar ke)

MajmooAi Taur per aapki ghazal bahut achchi hei. Khayaalaat bahut hii pukhtah heiN aur qaabil-e-taAreef.


Aapka Mukhlis,
Nazir.
[/u]

[Shummu]

Azeezah
S H U M M U,

Purkhuloos Tasleemaat,

Aapki taazah ghazal pasand aayi jiske liye meri dili daad aur mubaarakbaad qubool farmaayiye.

Adaab Mohtaram Abdullah Nazir jeee !

Aap jaise ustaad shaaye ki daad-o-mubarakbad paa ke dil baaGh baaGh ho jaata hai hamesha hi

[/u]dekhe kabhii jo maine haiN sapne bahaar ke
fauran hi de gayaa mujhe manzar woh khaar ke [/u]

saTHi Taur per paRhne se yooN meHsoos houtaa hei ke dounoN misraAaoN meiN zamaana-e-Haazir aur Maazi kaa ikhtilaaf hei. Lekin aisaa nahiN hei kiyunkeh jumlah sharTiyah hei (jab bhi maine bahaar ke sapne dekhe heiN, wo mujhe khaar ke manzar de gayaa. Is liye yeh maTlaA bahut hii achchaa hei.


Mujhe bahut khushi hui ke aap ne matle ko waise hi samjha jaisa maine likha hai warna bahut log confuse hain mera ye matla parhke aur keh rahe hain tabdeel karne ko

kab tak talaash meiN rahoge Gham Gusaar ke?!
dekho kabhii KHUDAA ko bhi dil se pukaar ke

Pahlaa miSraA beHr se khaarij hougayaa hei. Iski taSHeeH yooN housakti hei:
a)kiyuN tum hou intizaar meiN yooN ghamgusaar ke?
B)be-faiZ intizaar meiN hou ghamgusaar ke.
Yaa aap jaise bhii chaaheN.

jee nishaandehi farmaane ka shukriya...main ise dkehungi dubaara se

kitnii ujar gayin hoon maiN tere firaaq meiN
nazroN se dekh le kabhi nafrat utaar ke

Pahle miSreA meiN lafz "gayiN" nahiN balkeh "gayi" hounaa chaahiye. Doosre miSreA meiN "dekh le" se pahle "nazraoN se" yaa "aankhaoN se" kii zaroorat nahiN rehti. Isi meiN aek aur zaban ki mushkil hei "nafrat utaar ke" . Nafrat utaarnaa koii istiAarah nahiN hei. Agar ham kaheN "khalAat-e-nafrat utaar ke" tou baat maQool maAloom houti hei. Is liye doosre miSreA ko badalnaa zaroori hei. Is waqt mere zehn meiN koii tajveez nahiN hei.

theek hai..main ise bhi dubaara se dkeh lungi..... waise nazron ka istimaal isliye kiya kyonki main likhna chha rahi thi ke 'kabhi dekh lo mujhe tum nazron se nafrat utaar ke' magar behrr ki wajahs e alfaaz aage peeche aa gaye....

aansoon bataa rahe haiN mujhe uske dil ka haal
'Woh jaa raha hai koi shab-e-Gham guzaar ke'

Lafz "aansoo" hei nah ke "aansoon". Bahut achchi gireh lagaayi hei aap ne Faiz ke miSreA per.

shukriya maine tasheeh kar li hai....

dil ke udaas panchi khabar de rahe haiN ye
mausam badal rahe haiN dil-e-khushgawaar ke

Lafz "dil" kii takraar ke baavajood bahut achchaa sheAr hei. Waah waah.

shukriya..nawaazish.....

dete haiN bhook meiN mujhe raahat wahi samar
toRaa tha jinko maine kabhii sang maar ke

SheAr Achcha hei.

shukriya

saaya shadeed dhoop meiN dete haiN woh mujhe
mujh ko to haiN azeez shajar kuu-e-yaar ke

Pahle miSreA ke aakhir meiN "mujhe" aur doosre miSreA ke avval meiN "mujh ko" munaasib nahiN. Kaash doosraa miSraA yooN hou:
(kiyunkar azeez houN nah shajar kooy-e-yaar ke)

bahut shukriya aap ki tajweez ka maine misra badal diya hai....

dil ko samajh rahaa tha saraaya* 'Shumaa'ilah'
aakhir chalaa gayaa woh bhi kuch din guzaar ke

Pahla miSraA vazn meiN hei lekin lafz "saraaya" nahiN. "saraa" aur "saraaye" mustaAmal heiN. Is liye pahle miSreA ko yooN kiyaa jaasaktaa hei:
(dil ko saraaye samjhaa thaa shayad :Shumaa'ilah:)
doosre miSreA ko vazn meiN laane ke liye yooN kiyaa jaasaktaa hei:
(aakhir judaa who hougayaa kuch din guzaar ke)

maine hindi lafz 'saraaya' istimaal kiya hai.jiske maayne hain hotel/motel..kya ye shai nahi hai? ye to bahut aam lafz hai india mein aur phir net pe ek hindi dictioanry mein bhi ye alfaaz darj hai.... kuch ise theek keh rahe hain..kuch aiteraaz kar rahe hain ..main khud confuse ho gayi hoon b to..maine sarwar sahab ki raaye maangi hai..dekhiye woh kya kehte hain ..


MajmooAi Taur per aapki ghazal bahut achchi hei. Khayaalaat bahut hii pukhtah heiN aur qaabil-e-taAreef.


Aapka Mukhlis,
Nazir.
[/u]

is qadar pazeraayi farmaane ka dili shukriya....bahuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut hausla buland hua hai

Shukriya!!!