Ghazal : Hamaare dil ki mitti se...

[Munawwar]

dostoN,
Ek aur ghazal kahne kii ijaazat chaahuNga. Iskii apne khayaal-o-fikr se aaraaii kareN to khushi hogii.

Hamaare dil ki mittii se


hamaare dil ki mittii se jo butkhaanaa banaayaa hai
sar-o-saamaan ko devi ka naZraanaa banaayaa hai

bataa kartaa hei kyuN tu ham se hushiyaari ki ummeedeN
hameN tere hi jalwe ne to deewaanaa banaayaa hei.

zamiin-e-dil ki khuubii hai ke jo chaaho banaa Daalo!
kisii ne baagh, to auroN ne viiraanaa banaayaa hai

raqeebaoN kaa yahi to kaam hai: har Haal meiN dukh deN
hamaari gor ke naZdeek maikhaanaa banaayaa hai

sahey kyaa taabish-e-khuuN ko, koii saaGhar, siwaa-e dil
suraahii toRkar hamne ye paimaanaa banaayaa hai

bayaabaaN ke safar meiN ham girey haiN, gir ke sambhley haiN
dil-e-naadaaN ko hamne hii dil-e-daanaa banaayaa hai

hamaare ishq kaa qissa, "Munawwar", yaad aayegaa!
ye afsaaney ke laayaq thaa, so afsaanaa banaayaa hai.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Aapke paighaamaat kaa muntazir hooN

Mamnoon,
Bhaswar Dasgupta "Munawwar"

[sbashwar]

Mohtaram Munawwar Sahib
ASAK
Vah, aapki ghazal par hamari daad aur mubarakbaad qubool kijiye. Aapka yeh shair humko bohat pasand ayaa:

zamiin-e-dil ki khuubii hai ke jo chaaho banaa Daalo!
kisii ne baagh, to auroN ne viiraanaa banaayaa hai

Shukria
Salem Bashwar

[Munawwar]

Sara ji,
Agar koii khaami nazar meiN aayi ho to meherbaani karke bayaaN kar deejiye. Inaayat hogii.

Munawwar

[Munawwar]

Bashwar saahab,
Awwal to yeh kah dooN ke aapkaa "surname" aur meraa naam kaafi milte julte haiN. Meraa haqiiqii naam Bhaswar hai.
Ghazal pasand karne ke liye aur sher muntakhib karne ke liye khusoosi shukriya!

Munawwar

[Abdullah Nazir]

MuHtarami
Munawwar SaaHib,

PurkhulooS tasleemaat,

Aapki ghazal bahut pasand aayi jiske liye meri dili daad aur mubaarakbaad qubool farmaayiye. Saare ashAar beHr meiN heiN.

MULAAHIZAAT:

hamaare dil ki mittii se ye butkhaanaa banaayaa hai
sar-o-saamaan ko devi ka naZraanaa banaayaa hai

MaTlaA bahut achchaa hei lekin pahle miSreA meiN "yeh" is baat ki nishandehi karrahaa hei ke aap kehte waqt butkhaane ke paas heiN. Is liye meri nazar meiN lafz "yeh" kii jagah aap "jo" banaadeN tou behtar hougaa aur dounoN miSraAoN kaa rabT bhi achchi TaraH se vaaZeh houjaayegaa.

tu kartaa hai, bataa kyoN ham se hushiyaarii ki ummiideN?
hameN aakhir tirey jalwe ne deewaanaa banaayaa hai

Bahut khoob waah waah.
Meri nazar meiN pahle miSreA ko yooN kardeN tou uski ravaani meiN dilkashi paidaa houjaayegi:
bataa kartaa hei kyuN tu ham se hushiyaari ki ummeedeN
aur doosre miSreA ko bhi yuN kardeN tou behtar houjaayegaa:
hameN tere hi jalwe ne tou deewaanah banaayaa hei.

zamiin-e-dil ki khuubii hai ke jo chaaho banaa Daalo!
kisii ne baagh, to auroN ne viiraanaa banaayaa hai

Bahut khoob, waah waah. Kyaa kehne.

raqeeboN kaa hai kaam aakhir ke woh har haal meN dukh deN,
hamaarii gor key oopar ye maikhaanaa banaayaa hai

Bahut khoob. Achchaa maZmoon hei.
Meri nazar meiN pahle miSreA ko behtar banaane kii Zaroorat hei. Macalan yooN keh sakte heiN:
raqeebaoN kaa yehi tou kaam hei her Haal meiN dukh deN
Doosre miSreA meiN "gor ke ooper" vazn kii vajah se isteAmaal hourahaa hei. Gor per kehne se baat samajh meiN aajaati hei. Iske baare meiN aap hi soucheN ke miSreA ko kis TaraH se behtar banaayaa jaasaktaa hei.

sahey kyaa taabish-e-khuuN ko, koii saaGhar, siwaa-e dil
suraahii toRkar hamne ye paimaanaa banaayaa hai

Aapka (maqTaA nahiN balkeh) yeh aakhiri sheAr ghair vaaZeH hei. doosra miSraA theek hei siwaaye lafz "ye" ke jiski zaroorat sirf vazn ko barqaraar rakhne ke liye pesh aarahi hei.
pahle miSreA meiN "taabish-e-khooN' se aapki kyaa muraad hei jisko sehnaa paRe?
Phir bhi pahle miSreA ko yooN kardiyaa jaaye tou shaayad aek Had tak mafhoom vaaZeh hou:
sahe kyaa talkhiy-e-khooN ko koii saaghar bajuz dil ke
doosre miSreA meiN SuraaHi touRkar paimaanah banaane se dil kaa kyaa taAlluq housaktaa hei? is maqTeA meiN ibhaam paidaa hougayaa hei jisko door karnaa Zaroori hei.

Aakhir meiN, yeh vaaZeH kardenaa chaahtaa hooN ke aapkaa meri aaraa se muttafiq hounaa bilkul Zaroori nahiN hei.

Note: Aalkhiri sheAr ke baare mujhe ghalaTfehmi hougayi thii ke wo maqTaA hei jis ke baare meiN aap ne meri taSHeeH farmaadi.


Aapka MukhliS,
Nazir.


bayaabaaN ke safar meiN ham girey haiN, gir ke sambhley haiN
dil-e-naadaaN ko hamne hii dil-e-daanaa banaayaa hai

yeh achchaa sheAr hei.

hamaare ishq ke qissey, "Munawwar", yaad aayeNge!
ye afsaaney ke laayaq thaa, so afsaanaa banaayaa hai.

maqTeA meiN yeh kehnaa "yeh afssane ke laayiq thaa" se agar aap yeh kehnaa chaah rahe heiN "yeh qiSSah afsaane ke laayiq thaa" tou mafhoom nikal jaataa hei. Bahut khoob.

Aapka MukhliS,
Nazir.[/i]
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[Munawwar]

Nazir saahab,
Awwal to aapkaa shukr adaa kartaa hooN ke aapne merii ghazal paRhii aur apnii besh-qeematii raye se nawaazaa. Jin misroN par aapne suggestions diye haiN, maiN un par kaam zaroor karooNgaa.

sahey kyaa taabish-e-khuuN ko, koii saaGhar, siwaa-e dil
suraahii toRkar hamne ye paimaanaa banaayaa hai

Aapka maqTaA ghair vaaZeH hei. doosra miSraA theek hei siwaaye lafz "ye" ke jiski zaroorat sirf vazn ko barqaraar rakhne ke liye pesh aarahi hei.
pahle miSreA meiN "taabish-e-khooN' se aapki kyaa muraad hei jisko sehnaa paRe?
Phir bhi pahle miSreA ko yooN kardiyaa jaaye tou shaayad aek Had tak mafhoom vaaZeh hou:
sahe kyaa talkhiy-e-khooN ko koii Saaghar bajuz dil ke
doosre miSreA meiN SuraaHi touRkar paimaanah banaane se dil kaa kyaa taAlluq housaktaa hei? is maqTeA meiN ibhaam paidaa hougayaa hei jisko door karnaa Zaroori hei.

Merii ghazal ke paaNchwe sher ke muta'aliq yeh kahooNga:

Awwal to yeh maqtaa nahiiN hai. Iske baad do aur sher haiN...

YahaaN maiN ne khoon ko mai se compare kiyaa hai, taabish yaani garmii, heat, haraarat.

Khoon ki mai itnii garam hai ke use dil ke siwaa koii saaghar sah nahiiN saktaa. Sheesha TooT jaataa hai...
Isi kaaran, maiN ne, is mai (khoon) kii suraahi (dil) ko toRkar yeh paimaanaa (dil: jiske baare meiN maiN pehle misre meiN baat kar chukaa hooN) banaayaa hai. 'khoon' kii suraahi, jisme khoon amooman rahtaa hai, yaani dil. Use "toRkar" uske ek tukRe ko paimaana banaakar apnaa "khooN pii rahaa hooN", kyoNki koi sheeshaa yaa jaam is mai kii taabish (heat) to bardasht nahiiN kar saktaa. Dil kar saktaa hai, kyoNki dil is mai kii suraahi hai, aur ab paimaanaa bhi.
YahaaN suraahi toRkar paimaana-e-mai banaane ko dil "toRkar" aashiq kaa garm khoon "peene" kii nisbat banaayi gayii hai.

Whew, thak gayaa hooN
Munawwar

[Munawwar]

Nazir saahab,
Leejiye.. jin ashaar kii tasHeeH aap ne suggest kii thii, woh maiN ne kar dii hai. Wo paanchwaa sher ab talak banaa nahiiN hai, koshish jaari hai...
Munawaar

[Munawwar]

Sara ji,
aapkaa bahut bahut shukriya. Aur haaN, mushaira.org meiN maah kii bahtareen shaairah chune jaane pe badhaai qubool kareN.
Munawwar