dooston jis behr main naheed shiba nay ghazal tahreer ki hay main nay bhi us behr main aik ghazal likhi thi paish karnay ki jisarat kar raha hoon
rizwan

MuHtarami
Dawood Rizwaan Saahib,


Purkhuloos Tasleemaat,

Aapki ghazal beHad pasand aayii jis ke liye meri daad aur mubaarakbaad Haazir hei.

Qabl iske keh koii aur vazn ssamne aaye, maiN ne aapki ghazal ke vazn ko yooN samjhaa hei:
Faa'i'laa'tun......mufaa'ee'lu.....mus'taf'ilun.....faa'ilun
/0//0/0..............//0/0/.............../0/0//0............./0//0
=2122.............1221................2212...............212
BeHr kaa yeh vazn meri nazar se guzar chukaa hei. Do din se maiN iske ziHaaf ko samajhne kii koushish kartaa rahaa lekin kaamyaab nahiN houaa. Is silsileh meiN Kamal Ahmed Siddiqui kii kitaab "aahang aur Arooz" jou taraqqi urdu beurue nayii Dehli se shaayA houii thii, bahut mumkin he ke kisi nateejeh per pahonchne meiN madadgaar caabit hou.

Aek aatishfishaaN khud meiN khoulaa huaa dekhnaa
Barf kaise phghalne lagii kyaa houaa dekhna[qipte]


SheAr bahut achchaa hei lekin bahut se aHbab ko barf kii talmeeH samajhne meiN diqqat pesh aasakti hei.

Aise manzar kii Aadi nigaahoN ko kiyunkar houaa
Aek khwaab-e-giraaN tujhko jaataa houaa dekhnaa

Is sheAr ke pahle misreA meiN Aadi kii bajaye Aadat kaa lafz munaasib hei aur doosre misreA meiN taAqeed hei.. Housaktaa hei sheAr ka vazn barabar rakhne meiN yeh taAqeed paidaa houii hei. (aek khwaab-e-giraaN tujhko jaataa houaa dekhna) ke kyaa mani nikaale jaasakte heiN? Housaktaa hei ke agar ham is misreA ko yooN kardeN tou koii baat bane: (aek khwaab-e-giraaN tuhko jaate houe dekhnaa) wagarnah vazeh ibaarat tou yooN hei ke
(tujhko jaate same aek khwwab-e-giraaN dekhnaa)

Kitni purshour thii rehguzar, kitne chup chaap ham
Bas kii khiRkii se ik haath hiltaa houaa dekhnaa

Agar doosre misreA meiN aap kisi se yeh kehnaa chaahte heiN "bas kiii khiRkii se ek haath hiltaa houaa dekhnaa (dekhnaa bamani dekho) to durust hei. SheAr bahut achchaa hei.

Phir palaT bhii sake yaa nahiN kisko maAloom hei
Shaam kii jhaTpate meiN ravaanah hawaa dekhnaa

SheAr bahut achchaa hei. Doosre misreA meiN agar aap "kii" kii bajaye ke kardeN tou ziyaadah munaasib hei. (mera maqsad hei shaam ke jhaTpaTe meiN).

Jiska unwaan koii nahiN naam koii nahiN
Ik wo lamHah zamaanaoN per phailaa houaa dekhnaa

Waah waah bahut hii dilkash sheAr hei lekin vazn ke liHaaz se doosre misreA meiN lafz "per" kii jagah "pah" munaasib hei.

Raas aayi kab hameN qurb kii koii soorat
Kab moyassar houaa vasl houtaa houaa dekhnaa

Pahla misraA beHr se khaarij hei. Usko yooN kiyaa jaasaktaa hei: "raas aayi kahaaN qurb kii koii soorat hameN". Waise doosre misreA ke maAni bhii vaazeH nahiN. (apnaa vasl yaa kisi aur kaa vasl dekhnaa moyassar nahiN houaa)?

Jaane kitne zamaanoN se dil barf kii sil houaa
Ab ragaoN meiN faqt paani behtaa houaa dekhnaa.

MaqTaA bahut khoob aur pur-acar hei agar dekhnaa ke mani dekhiye yaa dekho liye jaaraahe heiN tou.


Aapka Mukhlis,
Nazir.

NZIR sahib mamnoon hoon is tafseeli ray ka. sham ki hi hay typo mistake hay isi tra par bhi pa hi hay
rizwan

image nazar kiyoN naheiN aa raha hai mujhe

Dawood_Rizwan wrote:dooston jis behr main naheed shiba nay ghazal tahreer ki hay main nay bhi us behr main aik ghazal likhi thi paish karnay ki jisarat kar raha hoon
rizwan

Rizwan jee,

aap ne iss behr meN apnee ghazal paish kar ke meree mushkil qadre aasaan kar dee

aap kee ghazal buhat pasaNd aayee, aap kaa munfaird aNdaaz aur khayaal hameshaa hi buhat door tak phaile huvey meHsoos hote haiN.
iss koshish par daad paish karti hooN.

mukhliS
Naheed