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(Final version) Yeh gumaaN jo k tire dil maiN utar saktaa ..
Posted: Sun Dec 12, 2004 12:55 pm
by Star Mind
Assalam-o-a'laikum,
MoHtaramaat-o-moHtarameen-e-meHfil Aadaab !
is naye forum keleye apni ik nayee ghazal paish karte howe mujhey beHad khushi maHsoos horahi hai. umeed hai k aap apni qeemati aaraa aur tanqeed se nawaazeNge :D . shukriya.
Urdu Version :
Roman Version :
1. Ye gumaaN, jo k tire dil maiN utar saktaa hai
Dil-e-a'aashiq peh qayaamat sa guzar saktaa hai
2. To chaman se bhi dabe paaoN guzar,baad-e-saHar
Waraq-e-gul bhi, tire haathoN bikhar saktaa hai
3. Ye jo rakhtaa hai khazeenoN ko, chupaa kar teh maiN
Ye samandar bhi mire dil maiN utar saktaa hai 8)
4. YouNhi gar daagh-e-jigar se miree taHSeel rahi
Mira andaaz-e-bayaaN aur nikhar saktaa hai 8)
5. YouN na ho mujh se gureezaN, mire mahtaab-e-jahaaN
Tire jalvoN se mira bakht saNwar saktaa hai
6. Aye shab-e-taar tujhey, yaad rahe baat miree
Tire dil se mira sooraj bhi ubhar saktaa hai
8)
7. Na safar kar to, jafaaoN k safeeney maiN kabhi
K wafaaoN ka samandar bhi, biphar saktaa hai
8. Tire kooche ki hawaaoN ka acar hai pyaare
Tira deevaana bhala kaise sudhar saktaa hai
9. Qaafila, faSl-e-bahaar-e-rah-e-ulfat ka Sanam
Jaras-e-dil ki Sadaa par hi tiher saktaa hai
10. Ishq karnaa tire fitrat hai, tu kyaa hai gham :Zia:
basar ab to yeh shab-e-hijr bhi kar saktaa hai
MokhliS : Zia Baloch
walaikum salam
Posted: Sun Dec 12, 2004 3:46 pm
by Mahtab Qadr
Zia bhai
walaikum salaam
aapki ye ghazal parhi , is nai bazm mai , nai shuraat, naya andaaz pasand aaya.
1. Yeh gumaaN, jo k tire dil maiN utar saktaa hai
Yeh gul-e-ishq ko bhi, pal maiN katar saktaa hai
is sher ka pahla mirsa theek hai laikin dosre misray mai wazan aur , katar sakna kuch samajh mai nai aaraha hai. umeed ke bhai A.N sahib ki raye se aap ko bhi aur mujhe bhi istefaada hoga.
2. To chaman se aye naseem-e-saHar aahista guzar
Waraq-e-gul bhi, tire haathoN bikhar saktaa hai
Is sher ka pahla misra wazan mai nahi lagta..
3. YouNhi gar saath miraa, dete rahe ahl-e-sukhan
Mira andaaz-e-bayaaN aur nikhar saktaa hai
wah waah sacha sher hai.
4. To miraa dil hai ! koi daana-e-tasbeeH nahiN
To basar yeh shab-e-hijraan bhi kar saktaa hai
dosra misra shayed wazan ki kami ka ehsaas dilaata hai.ya typo ho.
5. YouN na pihnaay-e-gardoN pe ho naazaaN aye u'qaab
Yeh samandar bhi mire dil maiN utar saktaa hai
ji pahle misre ke wazan ke alawa , gardoN se samandar ki tashbeeh?
6. To ne bhi, ishq kiyaa hai, to bhi sun ley :Zia:
To na jee sakta hai ab, aur na mar saktaa hai
maqte mai bhi pahla misra rawaN nahi
Re: walaikum salam
Posted: Sun Dec 12, 2004 4:32 pm
by Star Mind
Mahtab Qadr wrote:Zia bhai
walaikum salaam
aapki ye ghazal parhi , is nai bazm mai , nai shuraat, naya andaaz pasand aaya.
1. Yeh gumaaN, jo k tire dil maiN utar saktaa hai
Yeh gul-e-ishq ko bhi, pal maiN katar saktaa hai
is sher ka pahla mirsa theek hai laikin dosre misray mai wazan aur , katar sakna kuch samajh mai nai aaraha hai. umeed ke bhai A.N sahib ki raye se aap ko bhi aur mujhe bhi istefaada hoga.
2. To chaman se aye naseem-e-saHar aahista guzar
Waraq-e-gul bhi, tire haathoN bikhar saktaa hai
Is sher ka pahla misra wazan mai nahi lagta..
3. YouNhi gar saath miraa, dete rahe ahl-e-sukhan
Mira andaaz-e-bayaaN aur nikhar saktaa hai
wah waah sacha sher hai.
4. To miraa dil hai ! koi daana-e-tasbeeH nahiN
To basar yeh shab-e-hijraan bhi kar saktaa hai
dosra misra shayed wazan ki kami ka ehsaas dilaata hai.ya typo ho.
5. YouN na pihnaay-e-gardoN pe ho naazaaN aye u'qaab
Yeh samandar bhi mire dil maiN utar saktaa hai
ji pahle misre ke wazan ke alawa , gardoN se samandar ki tashbeeh?
6. To ne bhi, ishq kiyaa hai, to bhi sun ley :Zia:
To na jee sakta hai ab, aur na mar saktaa hai
maqte mai bhi pahla misra rawaN nahi
Assalam-o-a'laikum,
MoHtarami Mahtab Qadr SaaHib, ghazal ko pasand karne aur us par apni qeemati aaraa deney par maiN aap ka tah-e-dil se mamnoon hoN , jahaaN tak mafhoom ka ta'alluq hai to mujhey deegar aHbaab ki raaye ka intezaar rahega , albatta vazan ka ma'ala maiN aap par waaziH karna zaroori samajhta hoN.
pehla shea'r
1. Yeh gumaaN , jo k tire dil maiN utar saktaa hai
yeh gumaaN jo=fai'elaatun , k tiree dil=fai'elaatun, maiN utar sak=fai'elaatun, taa hai=fi'lun.
yeh gul-e-i'sh=fai'elaatun, -q ko bhi pal=fai'elaatun, maiN bikhar sak=fai'elaatun, taa hai=fi'lun.
2. To chaman se aye naseem-e-saHar aahista guzar !!
to chaman sey=fai'elaatun, aye naseem-e-=fai'elaatun, saHar aahista=fai'elaatun( aap ko to ma'loom hai k jab alif k maqabl saakin ho aur maa-baa'd bhi saakin ho to , alif ki Harakat maa-qabl ko di jaati hai. is liHaaz se is ki taqtie youN hoogee >> saHaraa hista jiska vazan banta hai "fai'laatun" ). guzar=fai'el(faa par zabar E'een par zer aur Laam saakin) is baHr maiN is ka baratnaa jaayez hai is ko aap "guzarjaa" bar vazan fai'lun aur fi'laan (Faa par zer , e'en saakin) bhi theek hai. baaqi aap Hazaraat behtar jaante haiN.
waraq-e-gul=fai'elaatun, bhi tire haa=fai'elaatun, thoN bikhar sak=fai'elaatun, taa hai=fi'lun.
shea'r # 4 k dosre misra'e maiN bhi aap ne shak ka izhaar kiyaa hai
To basar yeh shab-e-hijraan bhi kar saktaa hai
to basar yeh=fai'elaatun, shab-e-hijraa=fai'elaatun, -n bhi kar sak=fai'elaatun, taa hai=fi'lun.
shea'r #5 k pehley misra'e maiN bhi aap ne shak ka izhaar kiyaa hai
To na pihnaay-e-gardoN pe ho naazaaN aye u'qaab !
to na pihnaa=fai'elaatun, y-e-gardoN=fai'elaatun, pe ho naazaaN=fai'elaatun, aye u'qaab =fai'elaan(jaayez hai)
maqta k pehle misra'e maiN bhi aap ne shak ka izhaar kiyaa hai
To ne bhi ishq kiyaa hai, to bhi sun ley :Zia:
to ne bhi ish=fai'elaatun, -q kiya hai=fai'elaatun, to bhi sun ley=fai'laatun, Zia=fai'el(jaayez hai)
yeh sab maiN ne apne naaqiS i'lm ki roshni maiN kaha hai, jo keh 100% ghalat bhi hosakt hai . mujhey umeed hai k agar esa hai to aap mere i'lm maiN izaafaa kareNge . shukriya
MokhliS : Zia Baloch
Re: Waraq-e-gul bhi tire haathoN bikhar saktaa hai !:: Ghaza
Posted: Mon Dec 13, 2004 3:05 am
by Hashmat Usmani
Star Mind wrote:
Roman Version :
1. Yeh gumaaN, jo k tire dil maiN utar saktaa hai
Yeh gul-e-ishq ko bhi, pal maiN katar saktaa hai
2. To chaman se aye naseem-e-saHar aahista guzar
Waraq-e-gul bhi, tire haathoN bikhar saktaa hai
3. YouNhi gar saath miraa, dete rahe ahl-e-sukhan
Mira andaaz-e-bayaaN aur nikhar saktaa hai
4. To miraa dil hai ! koi daana-e-tasbeeH nahiN
To basar yeh shab-e-hijraan bhi kar saktaa hai
5. YouN na pihnaay-e-gardoN pe ho naazaaN aye u'qaab
Yeh samandar bhi mire dil maiN utar saktaa hai
6. To ne bhi, ishq kiyaa hai, to bhi sun ley :Zia:
To na jee sakta hai ab, aur na mar saktaa hai
MokhliS : Zia Baloch
salaam Zia saaHib,
ummeed hai ki mizaaj-e-giraamii ba_Khair hoNge.
aapkii Ghazal paRhii bas wallah bahot lutf aayaa. bahot umda kalaam hai aapkaa. andaaz e bayaan, parwaaz-e-taKhaiyul aur silaasat-e-zabaan ke kia hii kahne. talmeeHaat, tashbeehaat air iste'aaraat ka bhi zabardast hai.
Allah kare zor-e-qalam/raqam aur ziyaada, balki bahot hii ziyaada!
ba_qaaul-e-shaair, yaqeenan aapkaa andaaz-e-bayaaN aur bhi nikhar saktaa hai...is meN bilaa shubha koi Ghuloo nahiiN...par mujhe Hairat hai ki tab kia qayaamat bapaa hogii. thank you for sharing.
Qaabil-e-taAreef koushish hei
Posted: Mon Dec 13, 2004 5:41 am
by Abdullah Nazir
Muhtarami Zia Balouch Saahib,
Purkhuloos Tasleemaat,
Aapki ghazal majmooAi Taur per achchi hei aur aapki koushish jaari rahi tou ummeed hei ke aapke kalaam meiN pukhtagi aayegi. Zaroorat hei ke aap asaatizah ka kalaam paRhne aur usko samajhne kii koushish karte raheN.
Aapki is ghazal per apne tabsireh ko do ajzaa meiN taqseem karrahaa hooN, No.1) aapke ashAar beHr ke liHaaz se, No.2, izhaar-e-khayaal manaviyyat ke zaavia-e-nigaah se.
Is ghazal ki kaunsi beHr housakti hei?
Asl beHr hei BEHR-E-RAMAL jiska asli vazn hei:
Faa'ilaatun faa'ilaatun faa'ilaatun faa'ilaatun
Jab is per KHABN ke zihaaf kaa acar houtaa hei to rukn ke avval meiN jo sabab-e-khafeef houtaa hei (jaise yahaaN faa'ilaatun meiN "faa" hei uske doosre Harf ko giraadiyaa jaataa hei. Jab faa'ilaatun ke "faa" se alif ko giraadeN tou baaqi rahe gaa fa'ilaatun (fey per zabar + ain ke neeche zer + laam per paish + noon per jazm ki Alaamat yani saakin.
Agar ham farz karte heiN ke pahle teen arkan per KHABN kaa Amal ouaa hei hamari beHr ki makhboon shakl yooN hougi:
Fa'ilaatun fa'ilaatun fa'ilaatun faa'ilaatun (yani aakhiri rukn jaise kaa waisa faa'ilaatun rahega.
Ab ham dekhte heiN beHr kii jo shakl ham apnaane waale heiN uska aakhiri rukn hounaa chaahiye "fe'lun" yani (fey ke neeche zair + ain per jazm (sakin) + laam per paish + noon per jazm (saakin). Yeh kis tarah haasil housaktaa hei?
Chaliye ham aakhiri rukn per Hazf ko aazmaakar dekhte heiN. Hazf kaa kaam hei ke rukn ke aakhiri "sabab-e-khafeef" ko giraaden. Jaise faa'ilaatun se "tun" ko giraadiyaa tou baaqi rahaa faa'ilaa jo musaawi hei "faa'ilun" ke. Ab agar beHr ki jou shakl haasil houi hei usko MakhbooN MeHzoof kahaiN tou wo yooN hougi:
Fa'ilaatun fa'ilaatun fa'ilaatun faa'ilun.
Lekin ghaur karne per patah chalega ke aakhiri rukn kii shakl waisi nahiN jaisi ham chaahte heiN. Sawaal uThtaa hei ke "faa'ilon" ko fe'lun kistarah banaayaa jaasaktaa hei?
Aik aur zihaaf lete heiN jiskaa naam hei QaTA. Iskaa kaam yeh hei ke agar rukn ke aakhir meiN "vatad-e-majmooA" hou jaise "ilun" to uske aakhiri Harf ko giraadena aur maa'qabl ko mutaharrik se saakin banaadenaa.
Is liye ham "faa'ilun" meiN se noon ko khaarij kardete heiN tou bacha "faa'ilu" jismeiN u = paish ki alaamat ke. Ham us ko saakin karden to baaqi rahegaa faa'il jo musaawi hei fe'lun ke. Ab dekhiye jo shakl haasil houi hei wo yooN hei:
Fa'ilaatun fa'ilaatun fa'ilaatun fe'lun.
Is liye iska naam hougaa BeHr-e-Ramal makhboon meHzoof maqTooA.
Isko Alaamaat meiN likhne ke do aham qaaAide heiN.
1) fa'ilaa'tun meiN do harf mutaharrik aik saakin + aik mutaharrik aik saakin = ///0/0 yaa 1122.
2) Aur fe'lun = aik mutaharrik + aik saakin =
/0/0 = 2 2.
Fa'ilaatun + fa'ilaatun + fa'ilaatun + fe'lun =
///0/0 + ///0/0 + ///0/0 + /0/0 =
1122 + 1122 + 1122 + 22.
BeHr ki is shakl kii nishaandehi hougai ke uska naam yooN hounaa chaahiye:
BEHR-E-RAMAL MAKHBOON MEHZOOF MAQTOOA.
Iske ba'd yeh sawaal uThtaa hei ke kyaa beHr ki is shakl meiN koiee ijaazataiN heiN?
Javab hei ke haaN:
1) pahle rukn ko fa'ilaatun yaa faa'ilaatun isteAmaal karsakte heiN.
2) Ghair qaafiyah band misraoN ke aakhir meiN ham isteAmal karsakte heiN "fe'lun" yaa "fa'ilun" yaa "fa'ilaat" yaa "fe'laat"
BeHr ki is shakl ko ham mandarja-e-zail micaal se pehcaan sakte heiN:
"kabi chamkaa na sitaara miri peshaani kaa" =
///0/0 ///0/0 ///0/0 /0/0 = 1122 + 1122+ 1122+ 22
Mazkoora-e-baalaa qaaidaoN ki bunyaad per ham ghazal ke her misreA ko jaanchte heiN.
==========
1.a) Yeh gumaaN, jo k tire dil maiN utar saktaa hai
Iski taqTeeA dekhiye:
Y'gumaNjou = fa'ilaatun (yeh ki "hey" ko giraadiyaa gayaa hei, gumaaN ki noon-e-ghunnah ko khaarij uz taqTeeA nahiN samjhaa gayaa hei.
K't're dil = fa'laatun (keh ki "hey" ko giraadiyaa gayaa hei )
M'utarsak = fa'ilaatun (meiN kii "ye" aur Noon-e-ghunnah ko giraadiyaa gayaa hei.)
Taa hei = fe'lun
1.b) Yeh gul-e-ishq ko bhi, pal maiN katar saktaa hai
Iski taqTeeA dekhiye:
Y'gule ish = fa'ilaatun (yeh ki "hey" ko giraadiyaa gayaa hei. Aur gul-e ke zair ko aik harf khayaal kiyaa gayaa hei.
Q'ko bhi = fa'ilaatun (ko kiiwaawo ko nahiN giraayaa gayaa.
Bh'pal meiN = fa'ilaatun (bhi ki "ye" ko giraadiyaa gayaa hei)
Katar sak = fa'ilaatun
Taa hei = fe'lun
=====
2-a). To chaman se aye naseem-e-saHar aahista guzar
TaqTeeA:
T'chaman se = fa'ilaatun (too ki waao ko giraaya gayaa hei.
A'nasee me = fa'ilaatun (ay ki "ye" ko giraadiya gayaa hei aur meem ke zair ko "ye" kii tarah paRhaa gayaa hei.
Saha'ra his = fa'ilaatun
T'guzar = fa'ilun (misr'A qaafiyah band nahiN is liye is shakl meiN ijaazut hei ke "fa'ilun" isteAmal kareN.
2-b)Waraq-e-gul bhi, tire haathoN bikhar saktaa hai
taqTeeA:
waraqe gul = fa'ilaa'tun (qaaf ki zair ko "ye" ki tarha paRhaa gayaa hei.
Bh'tire haa = fa'ilaatun (bhi ki "ye" ko giraadiyaa gayaa hei aur tire ki "ye" ko bhii)
Tho'bikhar sak = fa'ilaatun (thaoN ki "hey + wawo + noone ghunnah" ko giraadiyaa gayaa hei)
Taa'hei = fe'lun
=========
Ab yahaaN yeh mas'alah paidaa houtaa hei ke kaunse alfaaz ko giraana jaayiz hei?
Aur aap baaqi ashAar ki taqTeeA karke dekhiye.
Aik aur mas'ala is ghazal ke matleA meiN hei.
1. Yeh gumaaN, jo k tire dil maiN utar saktaa hai
Yeh gul-e-ishq ko bhi, pal maiN katar saktaa hai
Pahle misreA meiN qaafiyah hei "utar" aur doosre meiN "katar" . Aisi soorat saari ghazal per paabandi lagaati hei ke her qaafiyah "tar" per khatm hou. Is liye zaroori hei ke ham aisi khaami ko door kareN.
In baataoN ke ba'd kaa marhalah hei ashAar ke mani jiska zimmeh daar khud Shayer houtaa hei ke wo khud samajh sake aur samjhaasake.
MaiN yahaN apne tabsireh ko khatm karte houei Janab Ziaa balouch se iltijaa karungaa ke wo sab kii baataiN samjhaiN lekin sheAr kahna jaari rakkhaiN aur yeh samjhaiN ke khaamiyaoN kaa tou ilaaj raftah raftah houtaa rahega.
Aapka Mukhlis,
Nazir.
Posted: Mon Dec 13, 2004 1:52 pm
by Star Mind
Assalam-o-a'laikum,
MoHtarami A.Nazir SaaHib, maiN aap ka nihaayat mamnoon hoN ke aap ne na Sirf meri ghazal ko saraaha, balke is par ik nihaayat hi mufeed aur graaN-qadr tabSira bhi farmaaya :D .
maiN ne aap ki tamaam muHabbtoN ko sameeta. insha allah aayendah inhi muHabbatoN ki roshni maiN apna mashq-e-sukhan jaari rakkoNga :D . aur umeed karta hoN ke ustaad-e-moHtaram ki qeemati aaraa se mustafeed bhi hoNga :D . bahut bahut Shukriya.
MokhliS : Zia Baloch
waah bahut khoob
Posted: Tue Dec 14, 2004 7:20 am
by Mahtab Qadr
wah bhai zia baloch sahib , aapki ghazal ab nikhar aai hai.
bahut umday sher haiN mashallah. daad qubool kijye.
albatta in do sheroN ko mulahiza kareiN ,No. 5 dosra misre ke arkaan ziada ho gaye haiN, 6No. mai pahle misre mai ghaleban typo se zia se qabl ek lafz choot gya hai. agar bura lagay to batadeiN ainda ehtiat karoNga.
shukria
5. YouN na ho mujh se gureezaN, mire mahtaab-e-jahaaN:!:
Tire gaisoo se ulajh kar hi miraa bakht saNwar saktaa hai
6. To ne to ishq kiyaa hai, tujhey kyaa gham :Zia:
Basar ab too yeh shab-e-hijr bhi kar saktaa hai:!:
Ghazal behtar hougai hei
Posted: Tue Dec 14, 2004 8:25 am
by Abdullah Nazir
Muhtarami
ZIA BALOUCH Saahib
Purkhuloos Tasleemaat, :)
Aapki ghazal bahut behtar hougai hei. Aapne meri himmat baRhaayi hei is liye mandarja-e-zail SheAr aur maQteA per apni naaqis raaye kaa izhaar karne ki jasaarat karrahaa hooN:
5. YouN na ho mujh se gureezaN, mire mahtaab-e-jahaaN:!:
Tire gaisoo se ulajh kar hi miraa bakht saNwar saktaa hai
6. To ne to ishq kiyaa hai, tujhey kyaa gham :Zia:
Basar ab too yeh shab-e-hijr bhi kar saktaa hai:!:
SheAr 5 misr'A No.2 meiN aik rukn "fa'ilaatun" ziyaadah hougayaa hei.
Tire gaisoo = fa'ilaatun
se ulajh kar = fa'ilaatun
miraa bakh = fa'ilaatun
t'sanwar sak = fa'ilaatun
ta hei = fe'lun
Iski islaah yooN housakti hei:
Tire jalvaoN se mira bakht sanwar sakta hei
TaqTeeA:
tire jalvaoN = fa'ilaatun
se mira bakh = fa'ilaatun
t'sanwar sak = fa'ilaatun
ta hei = fe'lun
=====================
MaqTeA ke pahle misreA meiN aik lafz "hei" ki kami hei jou yaqeenan Typo hougi. Asl misraA yooN hou tou beHr meiN rahegaa.
too ne tou ishq kiyaa hei tujhe kya gham hei :ZIA
TaqTeeA:
tone tou ish = fa'ilaatun
q'kiyaa hei = fa'ilaatun
tujhekya gham = fa'ilaatun
h'ziaa = fa'ilun (fa'ilun ki ijaazut hei aur saheeh hei)
Note:
Is misreA meiN "too" ke Harf 'waawo" ka girnaa bhi theek nahiN.
Iski yooN islaaH kii jaasakti hei:
Ishq karnaa tiri fiTrat hei tou kyaa gham hei :ZIA
taqTeeA:
ishq karnaa = fa'ilaatun
tiri fiTrat = fa'ilaatun
h'to'kya gham = fa'ilaatun
h'ZIA = fa'ilun
========
Ummeed ke meri raaye kisi kaam aayegi.
Mujhe sirf khushfehmi nahiN balkeh yaqeen hei ke bahut jald aap khaamiyaoN se nijaat paayenge aur aapki shayeri baam-e-urojj ko choone lagegi.
Aapka Mukhlis,
Nazir.
Re: waah bahut khoob
Posted: Tue Dec 14, 2004 5:12 pm
by Star Mind
Mahtab Qadr wrote:wah bhai zia baloch sahib , aapki ghazal ab nikhar aai hai.
bahut umday sher haiN mashallah. daad qubool kijye.
MoHtarami Mahtaab Qadr SaaHib, aa[ ne miree ghazal ko jis andaaz maiN saraaha hai , yaqeen kejeye k mere paas shukriya k alfaaz hi nahiN haiN :D . phir bhi bahut bahut shukriya, shukran jazeela, Mircy, Thanks , mamnoon :D
albatta in do sheroN ko mulahiza kareiN ,No. 5 dosra misre ke arkaan ziada ho gaye haiN, 6No. mai pahle misre mai ghaleban typo se zia se qabl ek lafz choot gya hai. agar bura lagay to batadeiN ainda ehtiat karoNga.
shukria
5. YouN na ho mujh se gureezaN, mire mahtaab-e-jahaaN:!:
Tire gaisoo se ulajh kar hi miraa bakht saNwar saktaa hai
6. To ne to ishq kiyaa hai, tujhey kyaa gham :Zia:
Basar ab too yeh shab-e-hijr bhi kar saktaa hai:!:
bajaa farmaayaa huzoor ! , yeh khaamiyaN mujh se sarzad hoi haiN 
. # 5 k dosre misra'e maiN shaayad miree ghayeb dimaaghi ne apnaa kaam kar dikhaayaa.
aur maqta'a k pehley misra'a pehley maine youN hi likkha tha apne notepad maiN, aur phir khayaal bhi aayaa tha k "HAI" ka izaafa karoN, magar phir ghaayeb dimaaghi jeet gaaye huzoor 
. ba-Har-Haal mujhey apni ghalatiyoN ka i'teraaf karte koi a'aar nahiN, kyoN ke insaan ghalatiyoN se hi to seekhtaa hai :) .
MoHtarami Qadr SaaHib, maiN hargiz aap se khafaa nahiN hoN, aur na hi kabhi hosakta hoN, mere leye aap ki i'lmi shakhSiyat Sad-daraja qaabil-e-iHtraam hai. aap Ahl-e-i'lm hi ki badolat , to ham apne i'lm maiN izaafa karte rehte haiN, mujhey khushi hogee agar aap aayendah bhi miree iSlaaH farmaate raheN :D . umeed hai k aayendah bhi aap tashreefr laayenGe. apni qeemati aaraa k saath. bahut bahut shukriya
MokhliS : Zia Baloch
Re: Ghazal behtar hougai hei
Posted: Tue Dec 14, 2004 5:30 pm
by Star Mind
WEBMASTER wrote:
Muhtarami
ZIA BALOUCH Saahib
Purkhuloos Tasleemaat, :)
Aapki ghazal bahut behtar hougai hei. Aapne meri himmat baRhaayi hei is liye mandarja-e-zail SheAr aur maQteA per apni naaqis raaye kaa izhaar karne ki jasaarat karrahaa hooN:
Ustaad-e-moHtaram, yaqeena" aap ka yeh tabSira mere leye aab-e-Hayaat hai. mere jazboN ko taqviyyat mili hai, mere shuq maiN talaatum aayaa hai. agar esi tarah aap miree HoSla-afzaaye farmaate raheN to insha Allah ik din maiN apni manzil paa loNga :D
5. YouN na ho mujh se gureezaN, mire mahtaab-e-jahaaN:!:
Tire gaisoo se ulajh kar hi miraa bakht saNwar saktaa hai
6. To ne to ishq kiyaa hai, tujhey kyaa gham :Zia:
Basar ab too yeh shab-e-hijr bhi kar saktaa hai:!:
SheAr 5 misr'A No.2 meiN aik rukn "fa'ilaatun" ziyaadah hougayaa hei.
Tire gaisoo = fa'ilaatun
se ulajh kar = fa'ilaatun
miraa bakh = fa'ilaatun
t'sanwar sak = fa'ilaatun
ta hei = fe'lun
Iski islaah yooN housakti hei:
Tire jalvaoN se mira bakht sanwar sakta hei
TaqTeeA:
tire jalvaoN = fa'ilaatun
se mira bakh = fa'ilaatun
t'sanwar sak = fa'ilaatun
ta hei = fe'lun
=====================
Bajaa farmaaya Ustaad-e-moHtaram aap ne. yahaaN ik rukn ziyaada hi hai . us ki waja khaaksaar ki ghaayeb dimaaghi aur kesi Had tak kam-i'lmee bhi hai. k mujhey is ghalati ka iHsaas hi na howa , zaahir hai esa kam-i'lmi hi ki waja se hotaa hai. aap ney is she'ar ki is tarah iSlaaH ki hai she'ar ko chaand chaand lagaa deye haiN. maiN aap ka beHad mamnoon hoN. :D
MaqTeA ke pahle misreA meiN aik lafz "hei" ki kami hei jou yaqeenan Typo hougi. Asl misraA yooN hou tou beHr meiN rahegaa.
too ne tou ishq kiyaa hei tujhe kya gham hei :ZIA
TaqTeeA:
tone tou ish = fa'ilaatun
q'kiyaa hei = fa'ilaatun
tujhekya gham = fa'ilaatun
h'ziaa = fa'ilun (fa'ilun ki ijaazut hei aur saheeh hei)
Note:
Is misreA meiN "too" ke Harf 'waawo" ka girnaa bhi theek nahiN.
Iski yooN islaaH kii jaasakti hei:
Ishq karnaa tiri fiTrat hei tou kyaa gham hei :ZIA
taqTeeA:
ishq karnaa = fa'ilaatun
tiri fiTrat = fa'ilaatun
h'to'kya gham = fa'ilaatun
h'ZIA = fa'ilun
========
Ustaad-e-moHtaram, maqta , jab maine pehli baar likka tha to youN hi likka tha koi typo nahiN thi us maiN , magar jab maqta ko baa-aawaaz-e-buland paRha to iHsaas howa k ik lafz kam hai , socha tha k jab notepad se copy kar k yaahaN paste kardoNga to us lafz ka izaafa karoNga. magar phir yaad na raha . yaqeena" yeh bhi miree kam i'lmi thee aur hai, jo insha allah aap jese SaaHiban-e-i'lm ki SuHbat maiN reh kar is maiN izaafa hoga insha Allah :D
Ummeed ke meri raaye kisi kaam aayegi.
aap ki raaye ne to ghazal maiN jaan daal di hai , moHtaram :D
Mujhe sirf khushfehmi nahiN balkeh yaqeen hei ke bahut jald aap khaamiyaoN se nijaat paayenge aur aapki shayeri baam-e-urojj ko choone lagegi.
Aap ka mokhlis
A. Nazir
Insha Allah , yaqeena" aap jese SaaHiban-e-i'lm ki SuHbat ka acar zaroor hoga , aur kesi din maiN bhi kesi qaabil banoNga . mujhey umeed hai k aap ki HoSla-afzaayee mujhey apni manzil tak zaroor puhnchaayegee. :D . aakhir maiN ik baar phir aap ka beHad mamnoon hoN k aap ne mujhey is qadr sharaf-o-izzat se nawaaza :D
MokhliS : Zia Baloch
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Posted: Tue Dec 14, 2004 11:43 pm
by Hashmat Usmani
moHtaramii janaab-e-Zia saahib,
assalaam_o_'alaikum,
ummeed hai ki mizaaj-e-giraamii ba_Khair hoNge,
aapkii yeh nai aur iimproved version Ghazal kii yaqeenan behtareen hai. ab yuN kahiye ki is meN aap ne 4 chaand lagaa diye haiN. bahot Khoob. shukria share karne ka.
vaise, mujhe aapkaa vo original she'r ziyada pasand aayaa thaa jiska misr'a-e-saanii thaa:
mira andaaz e bayaaN aur nikhar saktaa hai
aur haN, ho sakta hai TYPO ho, magar mujhe lagta hai ki aapke maqt'e ke misr'a-s-saanii meN ek lafz "hai" type hone se rah gayaa hai. zara nazr-e-saanii kar lijiiyega. shukria.
ek kaamiiyaab Ghazal par aapko merii jaanib se DheroN mubaarak_baad, gar qubool uftaad!
Re: (Final version) Yeh gumaaN jo k tire dil maiN utar sakta
Posted: Mon Dec 20, 2004 10:40 am
by Shummu
Star Mind wrote:
2. To chaman se bhi dabe paaoN guzar,baad-e-saHar
Waraq-e-gul bhi, tire haathoN bikhar saktaa hai
3. Ye jo rakhtaa hai khazeenoN ko, chupaa kar teh maiN
Ye samandar bhi mire dil maiN utar saktaa hai 8)
4. YouNhi gar daagh-e-jigar se miree taHSeel rahi
Mira andaaz-e-bayaaN aur nikhar saktaa hai 8)
5. YouN na ho mujh se gureezaN, mire mahtaab-e-jahaaN
Tire jalvoN se mira bakht saNwar saktaa hai
7. Na safar kar to, jafaaoN k safeeney maiN kabhi
K wafaaoN ka samandar bhi, biphar saktaa hai
8. Tire kooche ki hawaaoN ka acar hai pyaare
Tira deevaana bhala kaise sudhar saktaa hai
9. Qaafila, faSl-e-bahaar-e-rah-e-ulfat ka Sanam
Jaras-e-dil ki Sadaa par hi tiher saktaa hai
MokhliS : Zia Baloch
Wah bahut khoob Zia sahab..aap ki ghazal ke ye ashaar bahut pasand aaye..daad haazir hai..qubool farmaayein :D
Shumaila
Posted: Mon Dec 20, 2004 5:07 pm
by Star Mind
Hashmat Usmani wrote:moHtaramii janaab-e-Zia saahib,
assalaam_o_'alaikum,
ummeed hai ki mizaaj-e-giraamii ba_Khair hoNge,
aapkii yeh nai aur iimproved version Ghazal kii yaqeenan behtareen hai. ab yuN kahiye ki is meN aap ne 4 chaand lagaa diye haiN. bahot Khoob. shukria share karne ka.
vaise, mujhe aapkaa vo original she'r ziyada pasand aayaa thaa jiska misr'a-e-saanii thaa:
mira andaaz e bayaaN aur nikhar saktaa hai
aur haN, ho sakta hai TYPO ho, magar mujhe lagta hai ki aapke maqt'e ke misr'a-s-saanii meN ek lafz "hai" type hone se rah gayaa hai. zara nazr-e-saanii kar lijiiyega. shukria.
ek kaamiiyaab Ghazal par aapko merii jaanib se DheroN mubaarak_baad, gar qubool uftaad!
W/Salaam,
MoHtarami Hashmat SaaHib,
ik baar phir aap ne is qadr fayyazi se kaam lyaa hai k mere paas alfaaz kam paRrahe haiN . bahut bahut shukriya
maiN aap ki raaye ka iHteraam karoNga :D . bahut bahut shukriya
MokhliS : Zia Baloch
Re: (Final version) Yeh gumaaN jo k tire dil maiN utar sakta
Posted: Mon Dec 20, 2004 5:13 pm
by Star Mind
sara_j wrote:
bohat khoob zia saahib har shair lajawaab hai zor e qalam aur ziyada.
Saraa ji , aap ka tah-e-dil se mamnoon hoN, k aap ne meri is qadr Hosla-afzaai ki. bahut abhut shukriya
Re: (Final version) Yeh gumaaN jo k tire dil maiN utar sakta
Posted: Mon Dec 20, 2004 5:24 pm
by Star Mind
Shummu wrote:Star Mind wrote:
2. To chaman se bhi dabe paaoN guzar,baad-e-saHar
Waraq-e-gul bhi, tire haathoN bikhar saktaa hai
3. Ye jo rakhtaa hai khazeenoN ko, chupaa kar teh maiN
Ye samandar bhi mire dil maiN utar saktaa hai 8)
4. YouNhi gar daagh-e-jigar se miree taHSeel rahi
Mira andaaz-e-bayaaN aur nikhar saktaa hai 8)
5. YouN na ho mujh se gureezaN, mire mahtaab-e-jahaaN
Tire jalvoN se mira bakht saNwar saktaa hai
7. Na safar kar to, jafaaoN k safeeney maiN kabhi
K wafaaoN ka samandar bhi, biphar saktaa hai
8. Tire kooche ki hawaaoN ka acar hai pyaare
Tira deevaana bhala kaise sudhar saktaa hai
9. Qaafila, faSl-e-bahaar-e-rah-e-ulfat ka Sanam
Jaras-e-dil ki Sadaa par hi tiher saktaa hai
MokhliS : Zia Baloch
Wah bahut khoob Zia sahab..aap ki ghazal ke ye ashaar bahut pasand aaye..daad haazir hai..qubool farmaayein :D
Shumaila
Sumaaila SaaHiba, aap ki izzat-afzaai keleye , aap ka nehaayat mamnoon hoN :D . aap ko to taqreeba" sabhi asha'aar hi pasand aaye haiN. matlab k meri meHnat vasol hogai :D . bahut bahut shukriya
MokhliS : Zia Baloch