Salaam ahl-e-bazm..baDe dinon baad kuch likha hai...woh bhi guz#14 ka tarahi misra itna achcha laga keh dekhte hi ghazal ho gayi...so taaza tareen ghazal aap ki khidmat meiN haazir hai...ummeed hai pasand aayegi

aap ki tanqeed-o-aara ki muntazir... 8)


baat jo pehle mo'atabar na hui
aaj kaise woh be asar na hui

usko apnii har ik khushii de dii
zindagii phir bhi mukhtasar na hui

maine khud ko jalaa jalaa Daalaa
raushnee jab jahaaN jidhar na hui

woh miree dhaRkanoN meiN kab aaye
mere is dil ko bhii khabar na hui

aisi ujlat meiN zindagii guzrii
'do ghaRi chain se basar na hui'

jab se taareekiyoN ne aa ghaeraa
mere aanGan meiN phir sahar na hui

zeest ka meri ban gayaa hissa
justujuu jiski umr bhar na hui

aakhirii uski Call thii shayad
phir kabhii baat bhool kar na hui

sunke uski wafaaoN ke charche
kaise keh doon ki chashm tar na hui

bhoolne kii 'Shumaa'ilah' usko
koi tadbeer kaargar na hui


Shumaila

WEBMASTER wrote:

S H U M M U

PurkhulooS tasleemaat,

YooN maAloom houtaa hei ke aap ne yeh TaraHi ghazal bahut hii ujlat meiN kahi hei aur nazar-e-caani bhi nahiN kii. Apnaa tabSirah pesh karne se pahle tah-e-dil se daad aur mubaarakbaad pesh kartaa hooN.

Adaab nazir bhai..jee waqaii ghazal bahut hi ujlat meiN kahi thi aur mujhe andaaza bhi tha apni khaamiyon ka isliye ghazal yahan post ki taakeh aapki rehnumaayi mil sake...aap ke tabsire ka mujhe besabri se intizaar tha

M U L A A H I Z A A T

baat jiskii kabhii asar na hui
aaj kaise woh be asar na hui

MatleA kaa pahlaa miSraA beHr meiN hei lekin is meiN (asar nah houi) is liye ghalaT hei keh "acar" muzakkar hei. Ibaarat ke liHaaz se yooN kahaa jaayegaa "baat jiskaa koii acar nah houaa".
Doosraa miSraA bhii BeHr meiN hei aur ibaaraat kaa bhi mfahhom nikalrahaa hei lekin pahle miSreA ke ghalaT houne kii vajah se poore sheAr kaa mafhoom vaaZeh nahiN housaktta.
Iske ilaaj ke liye pahle miSreA ko badalnaa hougaa jis ke liye meri tajveez hei:
(baat jo pahle moAtabar nah houi)

Bahut shukriya...yaqeen maane is baar matla likhna mere liye khaasa dushwaar saabit hua jab ki amooman mujhe matle likhne mein mushkil nahi hoti aur kayi kayi matle likh Daalti hoon khair isliye matla maine baraaye matla likha tha.....aapki tajveez bahut pasand aayi...main sher pehle aise hi likh rahi thi magar theek se likh nahi paa rahi thi....aap ne meri mushkil aasaan kar di....tah-e-dil se shukriya...maine sher edit kar diya hai

usko apnii har ik khushii de dii
zindagii phir bhi mukhtasar na hui

SheAr mafhoom paidaa karrahaa hei lekin pahle miSreA kii kamzouri kii vajah se kamzour hougayaa hei. Agar is ko behtar banaanaa hou tou meri tajveez hei ke pahle miSreA ko yooN kardeN:
(Tai kiye kitne hi nasheb o faraaz)

yahan maine ye kehna chaaha hai keh usko apni har khushi de di aur mere paas sirf gham reh gaye uske bawajood zindagi choTi hone ka naam nahi le rahi jab ki amooman Ghamzada dil ko zindagi bojh lagti hai..bhaari paRti hai aur uski zindagi choTi ho jaati hai banisbat khushhaal dil ke...kya ye mafhoom nahi nikal raha sher se?

maine khud ko jalaa jalaa Daalaa
raushnee jab jahaaN jidhar na hui

Doosra miSraA mushkil hougayaa hei jismeiN aap yeh kehnaa chaahti heiN (jab = jis waqt, jahaaN = jis muqaam per, jidhar = jis jaanib).
SheAr bahut khoob hei, waah waah.

Bahut nawaazish..mujhe yaqeen tha aap ko ye sher zaroor pasand aayega..mujhe khud bhi zaati taur pe ye sher bahut achcha laga

woh miree dhaRkanoN meiN kab aaye
mere is dil ko bhii khabar na hui

Waah waah, bahut khoob.
IatiraaZ karne waale keh sakte heiN ke lafz "is" Hashvo hei yani "bharti kaa hei" lekin agar wo yooN soucheN ke mutakallimah apne dil kii Taraf ishaarah karte houe ye miSraA kehrahi hei tou ghalaTfehmi kaa izaalah houjaayegaa.

bahut shukriya...jee aap sher bilkul sahi samjhe.....yahan 'is' bharti ka qataii nahi hai.

aisi ujlat meiN zindagii guzrii
'do ghaRi chain se basar na hui'

Achchi gireh hei, waah waah.
Meri nazar meiN "aisi ujlat" kahnaa durust yooN hei keh lafz "aisi" lafz-e- "ujlat" ki sifat (=adjective) ke Taur per isteAmaal kiyaa jaarahaa hei. Agar zarf-e-zamaan (=adverb of time) ke Taur per isteAmaal kareN tou phir (aise ujlat meiN zindagi guzri) kahnaa paRegaa.

bahut bahut shukriya ..agar 'aisi' ko 'kaisi' kar dein to sher kuch behtar ho jaayega kya?

jab se taareekiyoN ne aa ghaeraa
mere aanGan meiN phir sahar na hui

Bahut khoob, waah waah. Bahut achchaa sheAr hei. Pahle miSreA meiN "aa gheraa" kii bajaaye "gher liyaa" bhi khaa jaasaktaa thaa.

shukriya ..nawaazish....jab aap jaise ustaad shayar daad dete haina..dil baaGh baaGh ho jaata hai

ban gayaa woh mirii hayaat ka hissa
Yeh miSraA beHr meiN nahiN hei is liye filwaqt ham is ko nazar andaaz kardete heiN.
ya
(zeest ka meri ban gayaa hissa)
justujuu jiski umr bhar na hui

Achcha sehAr hei.

shukriya

aakhirii uski Call thii shayad
phir kabhii baat bhool kar na hui

SheAr bahut achcha hei lekin pahle miSreA meiN angrezi kaa lafz "call" nahiN hounaa chaahiye thaa. Pahle miSreA ko yooN kyaa jaasaktaa hei:
a- aakhiri guftagu thii kyaa uski !
b- aakhiri baar us ne di jou Sadaa
c-guftagu us ne kii jou aakhir-e-kaar.

asl main sab mujhse kehte rehte the keh tum puraane tarz pe ghazal likhti hoon ..kuch nayapan laaya karo apne kalaam mein to bas isliye yahan jaan boojh kar CALL lafz ka istimaal kiya taakeh jadeediyat ka ehsaas ho waise bhi naye shoara aajkal is tarah ke experiment karte rehte hain..jaise wais shah ne bhi apni shayri mein aise lafzon ka istimaal kiya hai...mujhe maaloom tha ke puraane logon ko is pe aiteraaz hoga magar phir bhi maine ye risk liya hai warna is sher ko main aur bhi tarah se keh sakti thi magar wahi puraana tarz hota..isliye ye likha...ab dekhte hain naye log kya kehte haiN

sunke uski wafaaoN ke charche
kaise keh doon ki chashm tar na hui

Waah waah kyaa kehne. Bahut achcha sheAr hei.

aapki besaakhta daad ka shukriya dil se

bhoolne kii 'Shumaa'ilah' usko
koi tadbeer kaargar na hui

Waah waah, maqTaA bhi bahut achchaa hei.

shukriya:)

Dobaarah meri dili daad qubool farmaayiye.
Aapka MukhliS,
Nazir

Bahut bahut nawaazish....karam...shukriya NAZIR sahab....main aapki saraapa mamnoon-o-mutashakkir hoon jo aapne itna waqt nikaala meri adna si ghazal ke liye aur apni giraan qadr aara se nawaaza :P

Duaoon ki talabgaar,
Shumaila

Shummu jee
aap ki ghazal buhat pasand aayii
meri janib se daad qabool kijye
khush rahiye
zmufti

sara_j wrote:wah wah! shummu,

zabardast! lagta hai dil se nikli hai ye ghazal.....

sabhi ashaar bohat umda hain aur bohat pasand aaye.

zor e qalam aur ziyada.

bhai itni fauran aur itni khoobsurat takhleeq per dili

mubarakbaad aur daad qubol karo.

sara

Shummu wrote: baat jo pehle mo'atabar na hui
aaj kaise woh be asar na hui

usko apnii har ik khushii de dii
zindagii phir bhi mukhtasar na hui

maine khud ko jalaa jalaa Daalaa
raushnee jab jahaaN jidhar na hui

woh miree dhaRkanoN meiN kab aaye
mere is dil ko bhii khabar na hui

aisi ujlat meiN zindagii guzrii
'do ghaRi chain se basar na hui'

jab se taareekiyoN ne aa ghaeraa
mere aanGan meiN phir sahar na hui

zeest ka meri ban gayaa hissa
justujuu jiski umr bhar na hui

aakhirii uski Call thii shayad
phir kabhii baat bhool kar na hui

sunke uski wafaaoN ke charche
kaise keh doon ki chashm tar na hui

bhoolne kii 'Shumaa'ilah' usko
koi tadbeer kaargar na hui


Shumaila

bahut bahut shukriya sara jee....han bas misra dekhte hi ghazal ho gayi thi so pesh kar diya.....mujhe bahut itmenaan hua ke ghazal kisi qaabil nikli ..aap ki besaakhta daad ka dili shukriya!

aapki ghazla ka intizaar rahega

Shumaila

zmufti wrote:Shummu jee
aap ki ghazal buhat pasand aayii
meri janib se daad qabool kijye
khush rahiye
zmufti

Zarqa sis aap ko sab se pehle to mubarakbaad pesh hai urduduniya ke mushaire mein number one aane pe....kya ghazal kahi thi...bahut hi pukhta...mashaAllah..... doosra har jagah meri adna si ghazal ko apni qeemti daad se nawaazne ka bahut bahut shukriya...so nice of u :)


Khush rahein!

Shumaila

WEBMASTER wrote:[color]
SHUMMU

PurkhulooS tasleemaat,

Jadeediyat aek aisaa lafz banaayaa gayaa hei jiski maiN taAreef kiye baghair nahiN reh saktaa. Jadeed-pun meiN wo dilkashi paidaa nahiN housakti thii jo "jadeediyat" meiN hei.

lagta hai aap ko is lafz se bahut chiRh hai

Afsous is baat kaa hei ke jou naakaam shayer mauqeA kii talaash meiN rehte heiN wo aisi isTilaaHaat se faayhidah uThaate heiN apni sasti shohrat ke liye.

kya zamaane ke saath insaan ko adab mein bhi tabdeeliyaan nahi laani chahiye?kya wahi sab puraane isTilaaHaat hi istimaal karne chaahiye?Jab puraane tarz pe ghazal kaho to naye log ye keh ke ToK dete haiN keh ab zamaana badal raha hai....kab tak wahi ghise piTe muhaaware,istilaahaat,tashbihaat istimaal karengi..kuch nayapan laaye apni shayri mein...kuch jiddat...aur puraane log is baat pe aiteraaz karte haiN keh aise alfaaz/istilaahaat ka istimaal nahi karna chahiye shayri meiN to ab bataayein koi kya karein? hum jaise log to beech mein pis jaate haiN har tarah se daant paRti hai

Aazaad shayeri kii taareekh-e-paidaayish se lekar uske bache houe malbe yaAni (nacri nazm) tak kaa aankhoN dekhaa Haal hamaare saamne hei.

'azaad shayri 'aur 'nacri nazm'... ye to ek alag hi asnaaf paida kar di gayi hai main na to inhe jaldi paRhti hoon aur na khud karti hoon..... main to paaband shayri karne ki qaayal hoon ..bas us mein Thora nayepan ke saath....aur ye mujhe lagta hai itna ghalat qadam bhi nahi.

ab jadeediyat kaa be-bunyaad Dhaanchah dekhne ko mil rahaa hei jismeN mandarja-e-zel qism kii baataoN kaa izhaar kiyaa jaarahaa hei:

(phoolaoN per darkht oog rahe heiN, aankhaoN ko khushboo meHsoos hourahi hei, zameen per sooraj og rahaa hei, aasmaan per kashtiyaaN chal rahi heiN, waghairah waghairah). Yeh sab kyaa hei? Agar baa-SalaaHiyat shoAaraa aur shaaAiraat bhi is ghair taAmeeri fikr kaa shikaar houjayeN tou mustaqbil mei urdu adab kaa Allah hii Haafiz hei.
[/color]

Aapka MukhliS,
Nazir.

lolzzzzzz tauba hai ye istilaahaat aapne kahan sun lin? maine to aaj tak nahi dekhi..hanste hanste bura haal ho gaya ...qasam se aap befikr rahein..main kam se kam aisi gustaakhi nahi karungi

maine bahut halke phulke andaaz mein aap ko jawaab diya hai...koi baat na gawaar guzre to muaaf kar dijiyega choTi samajh ke

Shukriya!

Shumaila