Sarwar A. Raz wrote:a'zeezah Shumaila: aadaab!
aap kee yeh Ghazal kayee meHfiloN meN dekh`ee. ma'loom naheeN kyoN kisee ne is par naaqidaanah nigaah naheeN Daalee. maiN har she'r par mufaSSil tabSirah to naheeN karooN gaa. albattah do ek baateN a'rZ^ karne kee ijaazat chaahataa hooN. baaqee aap Khud hee kar leN gee.
Adaab Mohtaram Sarwar Raz sahab... aap ko mehfil mein wapis dekh kar bahut achcha lag raha hai :) aaapki kami mehsoos ho rahi thi...baDe arse baad aapne mere kisi kalaam pe tabsira kiya hai ye dekhkar aur bhi achcha laga....jee aisi baat nahi...doosri mehfilon mein ek do logon ne mere kamzor misron ki bhi nishaandehi ki hai :)
aap kee koshish qaabil-e-sitaayish hai. sab se baRee baat yeh hai keh waqt ke saath` aap kee she'ree kaawisheN behtar hotee jaa rahee haiN. Urdu kee in meHfiloN kaa ek baRaa maqSad yeh bh`ee hai keh ham apnee shaa,i'ree ko behtar banaaYeN. aur yeh tab hee ho saktaa hai jab hamaare dost hameN apnee raaYe se aagaah kareN. yeh Z^arooree naheeN hai keh meree yaa kisee aur kee raaYe hameshah durust ho. albattah yeh Z^aroor hai keh is qism ke tabaadilah-e-Khayaal se soch kee nayee raaheN kh`ultee haiN.
shukriya ke aap ko meri koshish qaabil-e-sitaayish lagi.....aur bilkul bajaa farmaaya aapne...sach to ye hai ke maine aaj tak jo kuch bhi seekha hai woh aap ko hi paRh ke seekha hai....aur aap ki har baat ko main baDe ghaur se paRhti thi aur use agli baar apni kaavishon mein istimaal karne ki koshish karti thi...so jo kuch bhi aap ko mere kalaam mein behtari nazar aayi hai woh sab aap hi ki wajah se hai :D Aapne shuru mein bahut meir rehnumaayi farmaayi thi aur baDi pate pate ki baateiN batayi thin ..unhi ko madd-e-nazar rakhte hue maine behtar se behtar likhne ki koshish ki hai aur aaj is qaabil hui hoon..go ke kalaam mein aaj bhi bahut behtari ki gunjaaish rehti hai :D
aap ke kayee ash,a'ar achh`e haiN. majmoo,e'e t^aur se Ghazal achh`ee hai. do ek jagah jh`ol reh gayaa hai jo mazeed tawajjuh aur meHnat se door ho jaaYe gaa. chand baateN likh` rahaa hooN. baaqee ash,a'ar mere tabSireh kee raushanee meN aap Khud hee dekh` leN gee.
Bahut khushi hui jaankar ke aap ko mere kayee ashaar achche lage..ye baDi baat haii mere liye :)
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sa'ate-e-vasl jagaane lagi armaaN kyaa kyaa
khwaab sajne lage yakdam sar-e-mizzghaaN kyaa kyaa
bohat achh`aa mat^la' hai. daad HaaZ^ir hai!
Shukriya nawaazish...is matle ko aapne pass kar diya to waqaii sher mein koi baat zaroor hogi.....waise doosri bazmon mein bhi sabhi ko matla sab se zyaada pasand aaya hai :)
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dekh kar teri wafaayeiN sar-e-bazm-e-aduu
dil ne phir yaad kiyaa waada-o-paimaaN kyaa kyaa
pehlaa miSra' wazn meN naaqiS hai. :a'doo: ko :yaaraaN: se badal deN to yeh durust ho jaaYe gaa. doosree baat yeh hai keh :wa'dah: aur :paimaan: do alag alag baateN haiN. chunaan.ch doosre miSre' meN :kiyaa: ko :kiYe: se badalnaa Z^arooree hai.
oh no woh na typing mistake hai
asl misra kuch yuN tha 'dekh kar teri wafaayeiN
wo sar-e-bazm-e-a'duu '
yahan jaan boojh ke aduu ka istimaal kiya hai...
achcha main 'kiya' ko 'kiye' se badal deti hoon..shukriya nishaandehi farmaane ka :)
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mujh ko buzdil na samajhnaa ke abhii dekhna tum
rang laayegii mirii quwwat-e-pinhaaN kyaa kyaa
aur to Ghaneemat hai lekin :quwwat-e-pinhaaN: ko ph`ir dekh` leN keh yahaaN kh`ap naheeN rahaa hai.
arey woh kaise? :?
yahan 'quwwat-e-pinhaaN' se muraad chuphi hui taaqat hai..aur mere khayaal se dono misron mein rabt bhi hai
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dekheiN is baar du'aaoN meiN asar hai kitnaa
dekheiN barsaati hai woh raHmat-e-yazdaaN kyaa kyaa
:dua'a,oN: ke saath` :barsaatee hai: kee bajaaYe :barsaatee haiN: honaa chaahiYe. she'r waise bh`ee naz^ar-e-caanee kaa t^aalib hai.
yahan 'barsaati' ko aap 'raHmat-e-yazdaaN' ke saath dekheiN...'du'aaoN' ke saath.
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mere naale,miri aaheiN ye bataa dengi tuMhe...
'gul khilaati hai naseem-e-Gham-e-pinhaaN kyaa kyaa'
raah-e-ulfat meiN faqat tuu hi khasaare meiN nahin
aa kabhii dekh sahe maine hain nuqsaaN kyaa kyaa
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NO COMMENTS?
ye nazaare,ye manaazir kareiN shikwah mujh se
DhooNdte hain ye tire deeda-e-HairaaN kyaa kyaa??
:naz^aare: aur :manaaz^ir: meN aap ke Zehn meN kyaa farq hai? kyaa yeh ham-ma'nee naheeN haiN? she'r waise bh`ee kamzor hai. ph`ir socheN to harj naheeN hai.
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maine jaanboojh ke hum ma'nee alfaaz ka istimaal kiya hai sher pe mazeed zor Daalne ke liye.. aur mujhe sher to sahi lag raha hai
dekhnaa tum miri bastii se guzar ke jaanaaN!
meri shoreeda saree ko mile unwaaN kyaa kyaa
doosraa miSra' bohat achh`aa hai. pehle par ph`ir meHnat kar leN to behtar ho gaa.
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hmm jee theek hai is misre pe mazeed ghaur karungi inshaAllah....koi tajweez ho to zaroor dijiyega :)
zehn khaamosh,zubaaN chup,dil-e-khaanaa sunsaaN
Haaye! Jaate hue woh kar gaya veeraaN kyaa kyaa
:dil-e-Khaanah: naheeN bal.k :Khaanah-e-dil: honaa chaahiYe! yooN keh sakte haiN:
Zehn Khaamosh hai, dil chup hai, zabaaN hai saakit
haaYe!------------------
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jee pehle main bhi kuch aisa hi likh rahi thi magar baat ban nahi paa rahi thi ..asl mein main dil ke sunsaaN hone ka zikr karna chahti hoon....khair aap ke misre aur apne misre ko saath dekh ke mazeed behtar karne ki koshish karungi :)
ho jawaani ya buRhaapaa ke tujhe sauNp diyaa!
zindagii tujh pe karooN aur maiN qurbaaN kyaa kyaa?
she'r nihyaayat kamzor hai. pehlaa miSra' yaqeena" badalne kee Z^aroorat hai. ek Soorat yeh mumkin hai:
roz-o-shab, shaam-o-seHar taj diYe tere dar par
zindagee-------------------------
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wah aap ka misra apni jagah behad khoobsurat hai go ke mera khayaal Thora sa tabdeel ho raha hai lekin mumkin hai main aapki tajweez ko apnaa loon kyonki waqaii behad khoobsurat misra hai..shukriya! :)
ummeed hai keh jo baateN maiN ne ch`oR dee haiN woh aap Khud hee samajh` leN gee. yeh bh`ee mumkin hai keh koyee aur dost apne tabSirah meN in kaa iHaat^ah kar le. ek achh`ee koshish par meree mubaarakbaad!
Sarwar A. Raz "Sarwar"
bahut bahut nawaazish Sarwar sahab aapne bahut waqt nikaal kar bahut achche se mere sheron ko dekha aur tabsira farmaaya hai....main inshaAllah in ki raushnee mein sher ko mazeed behtar banaane ki koshish karungi..shukriya tah-e-dil se :)
Du'aaoN mein yaad rakhiyega,
Shumaila