fatimah wrote:aslaam_u_alikam

w/salaam :D

1 :Zindagi itnii bhi muhaal na ho
Her kadam per nayaa vabaal na ho
bahut khoob ! albatta "kadam" >> Qadam
aur haaN aisee Sorat maiN Qadam phoNk phoNk kar rakhyega :)

2: Koii rishta kabhi na tuut sakey
Our dil bhi kabhi nadhaal na ho
aap dhaagaa kis company ka use karti haiN ?
aur maashaa Allah aap ne to second miSra'a ka aaghaaz English lafz "Our" se kyaa hai ! yeh nayaa tajrubaa achcha lagaa

3: Is terhan muskaraa key miltey raho
Chaahaton ko kabhi zavaal na ho
kyaa kehny !
wese ye "terhen" kyaa hotaa hai ? English k saath saath aap shaayad Frinch bhi use karne lagee haiN ash'aar maiN ?

4: Zindagii bher tumharey saath rahun
Duriyun ka koii bhii saal na ho
kaheN aap "mehNgaaii" se to mukhaatib nahiN haiN ?

5: Aankhon main nami labon pey muskaan
Meri khushiyun per esaa kaal na ho

OR

5: Meri aankhon main askh baar sahi
Meri khushiyaan magar nadhaal na ho
khushiyaaN >>Jama' aur "ho" Mufrad ??
aur pehla miSra' bhi shaayad ...........
kher is par to asaatiza hi raushnee Daal sakte haiN 8)

6: Phir sey mehkaa hey gulsitaan meraa
Ab keh shaid bura yeh saal na ho

bahut achcha she'ar hai !! daad qabool ho ! :D

7: Mujhey der hey merey jawaab keh baad
Tum sey shaid koii sawaal na ho.

kyaa baat hai , girah to bahut khoob lagaai hai !
albatta keh>>> Ke Or Key Or K

bahut khoob Fatima SaaHiba , aap ki yeh kaavish hameN jee jaan se pasand aayee , poori ghazal paRhte waqt ham apni "pagRee" donoN haatoN se thaame rahe k kaheN "pagRee" uR na jaaye aur aap k asha'aar samajhne se qaaSir na hojaayeN . DheroN daad qabool kejeye. shukriya

mokhliS : Zia Baloch

1 :Zindagi itnii bhi muhaal na ho
Her kadam per nayaa vabaal na ho

3: Is terhan muskaraa key miltey raho
Chaahaton ko kabhi zavaal na ho

4: Zindagii bher tumharey saath rahun
Duriyun ka koii bhii saal na ho

5: Aankhon main nami labon pey muskaan
Meri khushiyun per esaa kaal na ho

6: Phir sey mehkaa hey gulsitaan meraa
Ab keh shaid bura yeh saal na ho

7: Mujhey der hey merey jawaab keh baad
Tum sey shaid koii sawaal na ho

Star Mind wrote:

fatimah wrote:aslaam_u_alikam

w/salaam :D

1 :Zindagi itnii bhi muhaal na ho
Her kadam per nayaa vabaal na ho
bahut khoob ! albatta "kadam" >> Qadam
aur haaN aisee Sorat maiN Qadam phoNk phoNk kar rakhyega :)

2: Koii rishta kabhi na tuut sakey
Our dil bhi kabhi nadhaal na ho
aap dhaagaa kis company ka use karti haiN ?
aur maashaa Allah aap ne to second miSra'a ka aaghaaz English lafz "Our" se kyaa hai ! yeh nayaa tajrubaa achcha lagaa

3: Is terhan muskaraa key miltey raho
Chaahaton ko kabhi zavaal na ho
kyaa kehny !
wese ye "terhen" kyaa hotaa hai ? English k saath saath aap shaayad Frinch bhi use karne lagee haiN ash'aar maiN ?

4: Zindagii bher tumharey saath rahun
Duriyun ka koii bhii saal na ho
kaheN aap "mehNgaaii" se to mukhaatib nahiN haiN ?

5: Aankhon main nami labon pey muskaan
Meri khushiyun per esaa kaal na ho

OR

5: Meri aankhon main askh baar sahi
Meri khushiyaan magar nadhaal na ho
khushiyaaN >>Jama' aur "ho" Mufrad ??
aur pehla miSra' bhi shaayad ...........
kher is par to asaatiza hi raushnee Daal sakte haiN 8)

6: Phir sey mehkaa hey gulsitaan meraa
Ab keh shaid bura yeh saal na ho

bahut achcha she'ar hai !! daad qabool ho ! :D

7: Mujhey der hey merey jawaab keh baad
Tum sey shaid koii sawaal na ho.

kyaa baat hai , girah to bahut khoob lagaai hai !
albatta keh>>> Ke Or Key Or K

bahut khoob Fatima SaaHiba , aap ki yeh kaavish hameN jee jaan se pasand aayee , poori ghazal paRhte waqt ham apni "pagRee" donoN haatoN se thaame rahe k kaheN "pagRee" uR na jaaye aur aap k asha'aar samajhne se qaaSir na hojaayeN . DheroN daad qabool kejeye. shukriya

mokhliS : Zia Baloch

aslaam_u_alikam

sab sey pehley to bohat shukriya itni detail sey reply kerney key liye.

haan wo laga baat hey keh is ko perh ker sirf hansi atti hey

anyhow jin baaton ki taraf aap ney nishaan dahi ki hey main un per gor karun gi.
bohat shukriya

sara_j wrote:

fatimah wrote:aslaam_u_alikam

1 :Zindagi itnii bhi muhaal na ho
Her kadam per nayaa vabaal na ho

2: Koii rishta kabhi na tuut sakey
Our dil bhi kabhi nadhaal na ho

3: Is terhan muskaraa key miltey raho
Chaahaton ko kabhi zavaal na ho

4: Zindagii bher tumharey saath rahun
Duriyun ka koii bhii saal na ho

5: Aankhon main nami labon pey muskaan
Meri khushiyun per esaa kaal na ho

OR

5: Meri aankhon main askh baar sahi
Meri khushiyaan magar nadhaal na ho

6: Phir sey mehkaa hey gulsitaan meraa
Ab keh shaid bura yeh saal na ho

7: Mujhey der hey merey jawaab keh baad
Tum sey shaid koii sawaal na ho.

:D salam fatima,

main hans isliye rahi hoon Zia saahib ke comments parh ker, zaroor ap bhi hans pari hongi.

fatima aapki ghazal bohat pasand aayi aapne bohat ache ashaar kahe hain, ab techniki jawaab tou asatiza hi de sakenge, hum tou aapki ghazal ko sarahenge. sabhi ashaar bohat pasand aaye aap maqta kyun nahi likhtein.......koshish keejiye acha lagega.

zor e qalam aur ziyada.

sara.

Shummu wrote:

1 :Zindagi itnii bhi muhaal na ho
Her kadam per nayaa vabaal na ho

3: Is terhan muskaraa key miltey raho
Chaahaton ko kabhi zavaal na ho

4: Zindagii bher tumharey saath rahun
Duriyun ka koii bhii saal na ho

5: Aankhon main nami labon pey muskaan
Meri khushiyun per esaa kaal na ho

6: Phir sey mehkaa hey gulsitaan meraa
Ab keh shaid bura yeh saal na ho

7: Mujhey der hey merey jawaab keh baad
Tum sey shaid koii sawaal na ho

wah fatima ye dekh kar mujhe bahut khushi hui ke tumne bhi is misre pe ta'aaba aazmaaii ki hai....quoted ash'aar bahut pasand aaye..daad qubool karo..saath main bhi sara jee ki baat se muttafiq hoon ki tum MAQTA kyon nahi likhti.. next ghazal mein zaroor likhna OK :D

Zor-e-qalam aur ziyaada,
Shumaila

Abdullah Nazir wrote:
F A T I M A H


Purkhuloos Tasleemaat,


Aapki TaraHi ghazal paRhkar bahut khushi houi ke ab aap ke saare sheAr beHr (vazn) meiN heiN.

:P

1 :Zindagi itnii bhi muhaal na ho
Her kadam per nayaa vabaal na ho
Is maTleA ke pahle aur doosre misreA meiN yooN kahaa gayaa hei:
Pahle misreA meiN: zindagi isqadarbhii muHaal nahiN houni chaahiye.
Doosre misreA meiN: Her qadam per nayaa vaball nahiN hounaa chaahiye.
Gokeh bazaahir dounoN misraoN ko aik hii ibaarat meiN likhkheN tou inkaa aapus meiN rabT nahiN maloom houtaa lekin manavi liHaaz se hei. Is liye ham keh sakte heiN ke maTlA do-lakht nahiN hei yani durust hei.

shukriya

2: Koii rishta kabhi na tuut sakey
Our dil bhi kabhi nadhaal na ho
Yeh shear nasihaanah hei aur achcha hei. Sirf lafz "nidhaal" ko shayad typing kii ghalati se "nadhaal" likhkha gayaa hei.

ji yehi hua hey, typing mistake ho gi.sher ko pasand kerney ka shukriya.

3: Is terhan muskaraa key miltey raho
Chaahaton ko kabhi zavaal na ho
Yeh sheAr seedhaa saadah houne ke baavajood andaz-e-bayaan kii khoobsoorati kii vajah se bahut hii achchaa hei

bohat shukriya nazir sahib
.
4: Zindagii bher tumharey saath rahun
Duriyun ka koii bhii saal na ho
Ye sheAr bhii bahut khoobsoorat hei jo waaqaii dili iHsaas kii Akkaasii kartaa hei.
Bahut khoob Fatimah.

navaazish nazir sahib

5: Aankhon main nami labon pey muskaan
Meri khushiyun per esaa kaal na ho
Is sheAr meiN kuch kamzouriyaaN heiN. Pahlaa misra beHr se khaarij hei (yani vazn meiN nahiN hei). Aur ma'navi lihaaz se bhii vazeh nahiN hei.
Is sheAr ko yooN kiyaa jaasaktaa hei:
5)Chashm-e-nam ghamgusaar ko tarse!
Meri khushiyuN meiN aisaa kaal na hou.

OR

5: Meri aankhon main askh baar sahi
Meri khushiyaan magar nadhaal na ho
Is doosre ikhtiyaar shudah sheAr meiN bhii ghalaTiyaN heiN:
Pahle misreA meiN "aankhaoN meiN ashkbaar" ghalaT ibaarat hei. AankheN ashkbaar hou sakti heiN lekin aankhaoN meiN ashkbaar kehnaa ghalaT hei. Doosre misreA meiN bhii kamzouri hei. Jab aap jamA ka seghah "khushiyaaN" isteamal karrahi heiN tou ibaarat ke aakhir meiN is munaasibat se "houN" aayega aur ham "ho" nahiN keh sakte. Is sheAr kii tasHeeH yooN kii jaasakti hei:
5-b)Aankh rehti hei ashkbaar, rehe
Dil-e-Hasrat zadah niDhaal na ho.

ji bohat behter. bohat shukriya dono ashaar ko durust kerney ka. main mumnoon hun aap ki

6: Phir sey mehkaa hey gulsitaan meraa
Ab keh shaid bura yeh saal na ho
Yeh sheAr bhii khoob hei. Lafz "shayad" hei jisko saheeH likhnaa zaroori hei.

ji phir sey spelling mistake ho gi. koshish karun gi keh next time yeh na ho.
shukriya :P

7: Mujhey der hey merey jawaab keh baad
"Tum sey shaid koii sawaal na ho."

Is sheAr meiN jis meiN pahlaa misra girah kaa hei, douno misrAoN meiN mafhoom kaa rabT nahiN paidaa houraha hei. Isko agar ham ibaarat meiN likkheN tou kahenge (mujhe is baat kaa Dar hei mere apne javaab ke bad shayad tumse koii sawaal nahiN hougaa". Is ibaarat kaa koiee mafhoom nahiN paidaa hourahaa hei. Is liye is girah ke misreA ko badalnaa zaroori hei. Is jagah mukhtalif andaaz kii girah lagaayi jaasakti hei macalan:
a) gar miri zindagi sanwar jaaye
yaa) meri dunyaa agar sanwar jaaye
b)mujhko Dar apni bebasi kaa hei
c) Her qiyaamat mujhi pah TooTti hei
d) maiN agar apni jaan bhii de dooN
e) sab kahenge qusoorwaar mujhe
waghairah.

ji bohat nehter main in per gor zaroor karun gi

Ummeed ke mere tabsire se aapki raah-e-sukhan aur sheArgouiee ke baz taareek gaushe raushan hougaye hounge. Aakhir meiN aapki is behtaraeen kaavish per daad aur mubaarakbaad paish kartaa hooN. Ummeed ke aap yooN hii apni koushishieN jaari rakhkhengi jinkaa nateejah aik behtar mustaqbil hougaa.


ji yaqeenan aap key is tabsirey sey bohat kuch sikhney ko mila hey.
bas esey hi rehnumaai fermaatey rahiye ga.
main aap ki bohat mumnoon hun.
shukriya

Aapka Mukhlis,
Nazir.