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Woh jo kabhi shareek the pursaan-e-haal meiN(Taaza ghazal)
Posted: Thu Nov 02, 2006 10:27 pm
by Shummu
Salam ahl-e-bazm!
Aaj ek arse baad apni nayi sanjeeda ghazal post kar rahi hoon...urduduniya ke mushaire ke liye aakhri din mein likhi hai...isliye zyaada waqt na de saki ise..yahan isi ummeed ke saath pesh kar rahi hoon ke aap log meri kami beshiyon ki nishaandehi kar dein aur aur apni aara se zaroor nawaazeiN.... shukriya rose:
Ghazal after correction:
woh jo kabhi shareek the pursaan-e-haal meiN
ab sochte hain kaun paRe is wabaal meiN
usne jhiRak diya mujhe kyoN ishte'aal meiN?
pinhaaN tha koi naam kya mere sawaal meiN?!
ab kya micaal deiN bhalaa unke shabaab ki
'Gum ho gayyii hai un ki tajalli jamal maiN '
ban ke sapole unki har ik baat..kyaa kareiN
dasne lagi hai hum ko to khwaab-o-khayaal meiN
uske khatoN ke saath bahaa Daali maine aaj
ik din jo dee thi usne nishaanii rumaal meiN
woh eik chhed jo na tha zaahir kabhii bahut
paiwand jab laga hua waazeh wo shaal meiN!
barwaqt bakht ne mujhe aa kar bachaa liyaa
aa hii gayii thi warna lakeeroN ki chaal meiN!
maana ke tajribe ki alaamat hai ye magar
miltii hai ab kahaan woh safedii hi baal meiN!
(yahan tanz hair color/dyes pe hai!)
dete jo bad du'aa the kabhii,khud hee ro paRe
kyoN aaj dekhkar mujhe shoreeda haal meiN?!
maazii ki GhaltiyaaN mujhe bezaar kar gayiN
lagtaa hai umr yuN hi kaTegii malaal meiN
kehne ko hoshiyaar bahut hum bhi the magar
dushman ne ban ke dost phaNsaaya tha jaal meiN
yuN hee woh meHrbaaN nahi tum par 'shumaa'ilah'
kuch kuch lage hai mujh ko keh kaala hai daal meiN!
Aap sab ki aara ki muntazir,
Shumaila
Posted: Fri Nov 03, 2006 3:48 am
by Anmol
shummu wrote:
Salam ahl-e-bazm! :)
Aaj ek arse baad apni nayi sanjeeda ghazal post kar rahi hoon...urduduniya ke mushaire ke liye aakhri din mein likhi hai...isliye zyaada waqt na de saki ise..yahan isi ummeed ke saath pesh kar rahi hoon ke aap log meri kami beshiyon ki nishaandehi kar dein aur aur apni aara se zaroor nawaazeiN.... main khaaskar Raj Kumar sahab aur Sarwar sahab se guzaarish karoongi ke zaroor ghazal pe kuch kahein..shukriya rose:
Shu.....bohot jaldi meiN likhi thi kya ghazal? Ashaar achchhe haiN magar kaafi jaga chook gayeeN tum. Asaatiza ke aane tak thoRa kaam ham students Khud hi kar leN to behtar hai na? :)
woh jo kabhi shareek the pursaan-e-haal meiN
ab sochte hain kaun paRe is bawaal meiN
bawaal>> vabaal
Achchha she'r hai. :)
usne jhiRak diya kyoN mujhe ishte'aal meiN?
pinhaa tha koi naam kya mere sawaal meiN?!
2. Pinhaa>>>PinhaaN
I think, "KyooN" aur "kyaa" dono lambii aawaazeN haiN jinheN tum ne chhoTi aawaazoN ke maqaam per baandha hai.
ban ke sapole unki har ik baat..kyaa kareiN
dasne lagi hain ab to khwaab-o-khayaal meiN
lagi hain>> lagi hai
Khwaab-o-Khayaal should be 22-121, tum ne isey 122-121 baandha hai.
woh eik ched jo na tha zaahir kabhii bahut
peband jab laga hua waazeh shaal meiN!
Pehle miSre ke alfaaz ki tarteeb Theek nahiiN.
Ched>>Chhed
Peband>>paiwand
Waazeh should be 22, naa k 221.
maana ke tajrube ki alaamat hai ye magar
miltii hai ab kahaan woh safedii hi baal meiN!
(yahan tanz hair color/dyes pe hai!)
Tajrube>>Tajribe
Waise she'r waazih nahiiN hai.
dete jo bad du'aa the,wahii khud hee ro paRe
kyoN aaj dekhkar mujhe shoreeda haal meiN?!
"wohi Khud hee" Theek nahiiN lag raha. Chaaho to "khud hi" ko change kar ke "aap" kar lo. Ya phir aik ye soorat bhi dekh lo,
Dete they bad'dua jo mujhe, woh bhi ro paRe
Sh'er achchha hai. :)
maazii ki GhaltiyaaN mujhe bezaar kar gayiN
kab tak hayaat guzregi yuN hee malaal meiN!
Pehla miSra achchha hai. :smt045 Doosre miSra mujhe itna rawaaN nahiiN laga, dekh lo zara.
kehne ko hoshiyaar bahut hum bhi the magar
dushman ne ban ke dost phasaaya tha jaal meiN
Phasaaya>>>PhaNsaaya
She'r achchha hai. :smt045
yuN hee nahii woh mujh pe meHrbaaN 'shumaa'ilah'
lagtaa hai kuch zaroor se kaala hai daal meiN
ya
(lagtaa hai kuch zaroor hai kaala sa daal meiN)
plz let me know which misra is better?ThanQ :)
meHrbaaN should be 212. Tum ne isey 122 baandha hai jo k Ghalat hai. Doosre miSre ki koi bhi bunat Theek nahiiN. 
I hope tum ne meri kisi baat ka bura nahiiN maana hoga. I just want your ghazal to be free of mistakes.
Aap sab ki aara ki muntazir,
Shumaila
Posted: Fri Nov 03, 2006 8:55 am
by Shummu
[quote=Anmol
[quote=shummu]
Salam ahl-e-bazm! :)
Aaj ek arse baad apni nayi sanjeeda ghazal post kar rahi hoon...urduduniya ke mushaire ke liye aakhri din mein likhi hai...isliye zyaada waqt na de saki ise..yahan isi ummeed ke saath pesh kar rahi hoon ke aap log meri kami beshiyon ki nishaandehi kar dein aur aur apni aara se zaroor nawaazeiN.... main khaaskar Raj Kumar sahab aur Sarwar sahab se guzaarish karoongi ke zaroor ghazal pe kuch kahein..shukriya rose:
Shu.....bohot jaldi meiN likhi thi kya ghazal? Ashaar achchhe haiN magar kaafi jaga chook gayeeN tum. Asaatiza ke aane tak thoRa kaam ham students Khud hi kar leN to behtar hai na? :)
han asl mein mushaire ke liye aakhri roz likhi aur time khatm ho gaya tha isliye jaldi mein likhi..zyaada ghaur-o-fikr nahi kar saki is pe aur isliye hi yahan post ki taakeh tum log meri help kar do... 
woh jo kabhi shareek the pursaan-e-haal meiN
ab sochte hain kaun paRe is bawaal meiN
bawaal>> vabaal
Achchha she'r hai. :)
thanx....maine 'bawaal' purposely tanz ke liye likha hai..'vabaal' bhi sahi lag raha hai..lets see what others say.. 
usne jhiRak diya kyoN mujhe ishte'aal meiN?
pinhaa tha koi naam kya mere sawaal meiN?!
2. Pinhaa>>>PinhaaN
I think, "KyooN" aur "kyaa" dono lambii aawaazeN haiN jinheN tum ne chhoTi aawaazoN ke maqaam per baandha hai.
spelling noted aur jahan tak mujhe ilm hai 'kyoN' aur 'Kya' ko choTi aur baDi dono aawaaz meiN baandh sakte haiN..dekhte hain ustaad log kya kehte hain
ban ke sapole unki har ik baat..kyaa kareiN
dasne lagi hain ab to khwaab-o-khayaal meiN
lagi hain>> lagi hai
typo hai :P
Khwaab-o-Khayaal should be 22-121, tum ne isey 122-121 baandha hai.
again jahan tak I know 'o' and 'e' izaafaat mein dono wazan pe ho sakte hain 1/2 ...again lets see ustaad log kya kehte hain(hope ab to unki nazar paR jaaye yahan 
)
woh eik ched jo na tha zaahir kabhii bahut
peband jab laga hua waazeh shaal meiN!
Pehle miSre ke alfaaz ki tarteeb Theek nahiiN.
Ched>>Chhed
noted!
Peband>>paiwand
ise 'paiband' bhi kehte hain..online dictionaries mein maujood hai..plus hamare yahan lko mein bhi 'peband' hi bola jaata hai...kahin ye ghalat ul aam to nahi?? 
Waazeh should be 22, naa k 221.
I was so very confused iske wazan mein....mujhe smajh hi nahi aa raha tha ke 22 hai ya 221.. chalo is sher ko dubaara se likhne ki koshish karungi
maana ke tajrube ki alaamat hai ye magar
miltii hai ab kahaan woh safedii hi baal meiN!
(yahan tanz hair color/dyes pe hai!)
Tajrube>>Tajribe
Waise she'r waazih nahiiN hai.
'Tajrube' ghalat hai kya? 
aajtak to TAJRUBA hi bolti aur paRhti aayi hoon... :?
sher mein ye kaha gaya hai keh aajkal itna zyaada hair colors/streaking/dyes ka daur hai ke asl baal ka rang to kisi ka jaldi dikhta hi nahi hai..aur aajkal log safed baal ko old fashioned maante hain aur use bhi color kar lete hain..jisse woh bhi young dikhne lagte hain..isliye ab kisi ke baal ko dekhkar ye pata lagaana zara mushkil ho jaata hai ke ye kitna tajurbekaar banda hai ...aur baaloon mein woh safedi hi nahi dikhti jo kabhi dikhaa karti thi.. ye ThoRa halka phulka jadeed sher hai I guess..aur kuch nahi.. :mrgreen:
dete jo bad du'aa the,wahii khud hee ro paRe
kyoN aaj dekhkar mujhe shoreeda haal meiN?!
"wohi Khud hee" Theek nahiiN lag raha. Chaaho to "khud hi" ko change kar ke "aap" kar lo. Ya phir aik ye soorat bhi dekh lo,
Dete they bad'dua jo mujhe, woh bhi ro paRe
Sh'er achchha hai. :)
thanx..mujhe to apne sher ki asl soorat hi theek lag rahi hai...maine us tarah bhi likha tha pehle jaise tumne bataya hai magar mujhe DETE THE khatak raha tha isliye badal diya tha...dekhte hain aur log kya kehte hain..
maazii ki GhaltiyaaN mujhe bezaar kar gayiN
kab tak hayaat guzregi yuN hee malaal meiN!
Pehla miSra achchha hai. :smt045 Doosre miSra mujhe itna rawaaN nahiiN laga, dekh lo zara.
thanx..han doosra rawaaN nahi hai 'guzregi' ki wajah se...is pe mazeed ghaur kar rahi hoon...
kehne ko hoshiyaar bahut hum bhi the magar
dushman ne ban ke dost phasaaya tha jaal meiN
Phasaaya>>>PhaNsaaya
She'r achchha hai. :smt045
thank u thank u ..spelling mistake noted!
yuN hee nahii woh mujh pe meHrbaaN 'shumaa'ilah'
lagtaa hai kuch zaroor se kaala hai daal meiN
ya
(lagtaa hai kuch zaroor hai kaala sa daal meiN)
plz let me know which misra is better?ThanQ :)
meHrbaaN should be 212. Tum ne isey 122 baandha hai jo k Ghalat hai. Doosre miSre ki koi bhi bunat Theek nahiiN.
han main maqte se waise hi mutmain nahi thi....isko dubaara se likhne ki koshish karungi..ya naya maqta likhungi ya phir ye sher nikaal dungi ghazal se...
I hope tum ne meri kisi baat ka bura nahiiN maana hoga. I just want your ghazal to be free of mistakes.
arey pagal kaisi baat karti ho.. :) isliye to ghazal post ki hai taakeh meri ghaltiyaan pata chale..zyaada work karti is pe to khud hi ye choTi moTi ghaltiyaan theek kar leti main..magar mujhe khushi hui ke tumne ghazal ke ek ek sher pe tabsira kiya..thank u so much Anmol :rose :rose
Aap sab ki aara ki muntazir,
Shumaila
[/quote]
[/quote]
Posted: Fri Nov 03, 2006 4:01 pm
by Anmol
shummu wrote:
Anmol wrote:
shummu wrote:
ban ke sapole unki har ik baat..kyaa kareiN
dasne lagi hain ab to khwaab-o-khayaal meiN
Khwaab-o-Khayaal should be 22-121, tum ne isey 122-121 baandha hai. [/b]
again jahan tak I know 'o' and 'e' izaafaat mein dono wazan pe ho sakte hain 1/2 ...again lets see ustaad log kya kehte hain(hope ab to unki nazar paR jaaye yahan :D)
Shu dear, tum mera point samjhi nahiiN. MaiN ye kehna chaah rahi thi k tum ne "khwaab-o-Khyaal" ko "khawaab-o-Khayaal" baandha hai.
Posted: Fri Nov 03, 2006 7:59 pm
by Shummu
Anmol wrote:shummu wrote:
Anmol wrote:
oh no ye itni obvious mistake kaise ho gayi mujhse
lagta hai waqaii bahut hi jaldi mein ghazal likh Daali is baar...
badi sharminda mehsoos ho rahi hai...bahut zyaada mistakes hai is baar kalaam mein
Posted: Fri Nov 03, 2006 11:58 pm
by Anmol
Come on, sharminda mat ho. Just concentrate on your poetry and take time to revise it.
...
Bahut khoob, waah waah
Posted: Sat Nov 04, 2006 4:42 am
by Abdullah Nazir
Azeezah
Shummu,
PurkhulooS Tasleemaat,
Aapki ghazal bahut pasand aayi jiske liye meri dili daad aur mubaarakbaad qubool farmaayiye.
MULAAHIZAAT:
woh jo kabhi shareek the pursaan-e-haal meiN
ab sochte hain kaun paRe is bawaal meiN
MatlAA achchaa hei, waah wah. Lafz "wabaal" meiN typo hei, durust karleejiye.
usne jhiRak diya kyoN mujhe ishte'aal meiN?
pinhaaN tha koi naam kya mere sawaal meiN?!
Is sheAr ke pahle miSreA meiN "KyoN" agar "mujhe" ke baAd likhkhaa jaaye tou vazn durust houjaataa hei.
Doosre miSreA eiN koii naam pinhaaN houne se sawaal sunne waale ko ghuSSah aane kaa koii sabab nahiN samajh meiN aataa. Albattah agar baat yuN hou tou vaaZeH houjaati hei. Micaal ke Taur per:
usne jhiRak diyaa mujhe kyuN ishtiAaal meiN
pinhaaN Adoo kaa naam thaa shayad sawaal meiN.
ab kya micaal deiN bhalaa unke shabaab ki
'Gum ho gayyii hai un ki tajalli jamal maiN '
gireh achchi hei. Waah waah.
ban ke sapole unki har ik baat..kyaa kareiN
dasne lagi hai hum ko to khwaab-o-khayaal meiN
yeh shear vaZaaHut chaahtaa hei. Ban ke sapole? Kaun sapole bankar? Ham? Yaa ban ke sapole se muraad jungle ke sapole? Phir unki her ik baat se kyaa taAalluq hei? Iske baAd dasne lgai hei ham ko tou khwaab o khayaal meiN. Kyaa dasne lagi hei?
Is sheAr kaa mafhoom jo kuch aap ke zehn meiN hei usko Theek se adaa karne ke liye nazar-e-caani keejiye.
uske khatoN ke saath bahaa Daali maine aaj
ik din jo dee thi usne nishaanii rumaal meiN
Dene waale kee nishaani kee koii qeemat nah thee jisko aap ne bahaadiyaa hei. Baharhaal mafhoom adaa hourahaa hei.
woh eik chhed jo na tha zaahir kabhii bahut
peband jab laga hua ashkaar shaal meiN!
Pahle miSreA kaa mafhooom zaahir hei. Doosre miSreA meiN "peband" se aapki muraad shaayad "pewand" hei. Doosri baat yeh ke lafz "aashkaar" ko aap ne "ashkaar" bawazn-e-"ashAar" isteAmaal kiyaa hei jo ghalaT hei.
Is liye doosre miSreA kaa ilaaj yuN housaktaa hei.
"pewand lagne se wo numaayaaN hei shaal meiN"
barwaqt bakht ne mujhe aa kar bachaa liyaa
aa hii gayii thi warna lakeeroN ki chaal meiN!
mafhoom vaaZeh hei, bahut khoob.
maana ke tajribe ki alaamat hai ye magar
miltii hai ab kahaan woh safedii hi baal meiN!
sheAr kaa mafhoom adaa hourahaa hei. Lekin koushish yeh keejiye keh ashAar meiN aise maZameen isteAmaal kareN jo anoukhe bhee houN tou unke paRhne se qaari kee zubaan sw waah nikal jaaye.
(yahan tanz hair color/dyes pe hai!)
dete jo bad du'aa the,wahii khud hee ro paRe
kyoN aaj dekhkar mujhe shoreeda haal meiN?!
Achcha sheAr hei. Waah waah.
maazii ki GhaltiyaaN mujhe bezaar kar gayiN
lagtaa hai umr yuN hi kaTegii malaal meiN
Lafz aSl meiN ghalaTiyaaN hei lekin Aam boul chaal meiN ghalTiyaN mustaAmal hei. Pahle miSreA meiN lafz "bezaar" kee jagah "hushyaar" behtar hei. MaAnawi liHaaz se achcha sheAr hei. Waah waah.
kehne ko hoshiyaar bahut hum bhi the magar
dushman ne ban ke dost phaNsaaya tha jaal meiN
sheAr kaa mafhoom adaa hourahaa hei. Waah.
yuN hee woh meHrbaaN nahi tujh pe 'shumaa'ilah'
lagtaa hai kuch zaroor se kaala hai daal meiN
maqTeA ke pahle miSreA meiN pe ko "per" isteAmaal karsate heiN jo behtar hei. Doosre miSreA meiN "Zaroor se" ghalaT hei. Sirf "Zaroor" isteAmaal karsate heiN jaise wo Zaroor khaT likhkhenge. Doosre miSreA ko yuN keh sakte heiN. "Lagtaa hei, ghaur keeje tou kaalaa hei daal meiN".
Aakhir meiN yeh vaaZeh kartaa chalooN ke meri aaraa se aapka muttafiq hounaa Zaroori nahiN.
Aapka MukhliS,
Nazir.
[/.u]
Posted: Sat Nov 04, 2006 12:23 pm
by Shummu
Anmol wrote:Come on, sharminda mat ho. Just concentrate on your poetry and take time to revise it.
...
han maine revise ki hai ghazal..ab dekho....maine edit ki hai ...
Re: Bahut khoob, waah waah
Posted: Sat Nov 04, 2006 12:38 pm
by Shummu
WEBMASTER wrote:
Azeezah
Shummu,
PurkhulooS Tasleemaat,
Aapki ghazal bahut pasand aayi jiske liye meri dili daad aur mubaarakbaad qubool farmaayiye.
Salaam-o-Adaab Nazir bhai..bahut shukriya ke itni mistakes ke bawajood meri ghazal aap ko pasand aayi...aap waqaii hausla afzaayi farmaana jaante hain ..shukriya tah-e-dil se
MULAAHIZAAT:
woh jo kabhi shareek the pursaan-e-haal meiN
ab sochte hain kaun paRe is bawaal meiN
MatlAA achchaa hei, waah wah. Lafz "wabaal" meiN typo hei, durust karleejiye.
shukriya...nahi ye typo nahi..maine jaanboojh ke is lafz ka istimaal kiya hai...
'bawaal' lafz bahut bola jaata hai hamare yahan...aur ye tanziya istimaal hota hai..amooman kaha jaata hai keh 'uff kaun paRe is bawaal (museebat,uljhan,pareshani) meiN' ..ho sakta hai hindi lafz ho....magar ye dekhiye khud GHALIB ne bhi istimaal kiya hai:
fikr e duniya mein sar khapat hoon
main kahan aur ye bawaal kahan
ghailib
usne jhiRak diya kyoN mujhe ishte'aal meiN?
pinhaaN tha koi naam kya mere sawaal meiN?!
Is sheAr ke pahle miSreA meiN "KyoN" agar "mujhe" ke baAd likhkhaa jaaye tou vazn durust houjaataa hei.
Doosre miSreA eiN koii naam pinhaaN houne se sawaal sunne waale ko ghuSSah aane kaa koii sabab nahiN samajh meiN aataa. Albattah agar baat yuN hou tou vaaZeH houjaati hei. Micaal ke Taur per:
usne jhiRak diyaa mujhe kyuN ishtiAaal meiN
pinhaaN Adoo kaa naam thaa shayad sawaal meiN.
pehla misra maine durust kar liya hai...aur aap ghaur karein to dono sawaaliya misre hain..yaani ek mein ye sawaal hai ke kyon usne mujhe aise jhirak diya mere sawaal poochne par? phir doosre misre mein main khud hi assume kar rahi hoon ke shayad koi naam aisa aa gaya hoga mere sawaal meiN posheeda tareeqe se..jo mere liye to aam naam hai magar uske liye woh naam bahut khaas hoga aur usne use jhanjhor ke rakh diya hoga.... ummeed hai kuch wazaahat ho gayi hogi
ab kya micaal deiN bhalaa unke shabaab ki
'Gum ho gayyii hai un ki tajalli jamal maiN '
gireh achchi hei. Waah waah.
bahut bahut shukriyaa
ban ke sapole unki har ik baat..kyaa kareiN
dasne lagi hai hum ko to khwaab-o-khayaal meiN
yeh shear vaZaaHut chaahtaa hei. Ban ke sapole? Kaun sapole bankar? Ham? Yaa ban ke sapole se muraad jungle ke sapole? Phir unki her ik baat se kyaa taAalluq hei? Iske baAd dasne lgai hei ham ko tou khwaab o khayaal meiN. Kyaa dasne lagi hei?
Is sheAr kaa mafhoom jo kuch aap ke zehn meiN hei usko Theek se adaa karne ke liye nazar-e-caani keejiye.
arey ikdam saaf sher to hai...BAN KE SAPOLE UNKI HAR IK BAAT= yaani unki baatein sapole banke...zaahir hain baatein zehreeli hongi isliye sapole lafz ka istimaal kiya hai
uske khatoN ke saath bahaa Daali maine aaj
ik din jo dee thi usne nishaanii rumaal meiN
Dene waale kee nishaani kee koii qeemat nah thee jisko aap ne bahaadiyaa hei. Baharhaal mafhoom adaa hourahaa hei.
Amooman log khaton to baha daalte hain magar nishaaniyaan nahi but maine apni ek saheli ko khud khaton ke saath nishaaniyaan bhi samundar mein bahaate dekha tha..wahi manzar zehn mein tha aur sher keh diya ..
woh eik chhed jo na tha zaahir kabhii bahut
peband jab laga hua ashkaar shaal meiN!
Pahle miSreA kaa mafhooom zaahir hei. Doosre miSreA meiN "peband" se aapki muraad shaayad "pewand" hei. Doosri baat yeh ke lafz "aashkaar" ko aap ne "ashkaar" bawazn-e-"ashAar" isteAmaal kiyaa hei jo ghalaT hei.
Is liye doosre miSreA kaa ilaaj yuN housaktaa hei.
"pewand lagne se wo numaayaaN hei shaal meiN"
agar is sher ko aise kar doon:
woh eik chhed jo na tha zaahir kabhii bahut
paiwand jab laga hua waazeh wo shaal meiN!
ya phir
woh eik chhed jo na thaa zaahir kabhii bahut
baad-e-rafuu hua hai numaayaaN wo shaal meiN
barwaqt bakht ne mujhe aa kar bachaa liyaa
aa hii gayii thi warna lakeeroN ki chaal meiN!
mafhoom vaaZeh hei, bahut khoob.
shukriyaa
maana ke tajribe ki alaamat hai ye magar
miltii hai ab kahaan woh safedii hi baal meiN!
sheAr kaa mafhoom adaa hourahaa hei. Lekin koushish yeh keejiye keh ashAar meiN aise maZameen isteAmaal kareN jo anoukhe bhee houN tou unke paRhne se qaari kee zubaan sw waah nikal jaaye.
(yahan tanz hair color/dyes pe hai!)
sher mein ye kaha gaya hai keh aajkal itna zyaada hair colors/streaking/dyes ka daur hai ke asl baal ka rang to kisi ka jaldi dikhta hi nahi hai..aur aajkal log safed baal ko old fashioned maante hain aur use bhi color kar lete hain..jisse woh bhi young dikhne lagte hain..isliye ab kisi ke baal ko dekhkar ye pata lagaana zara mushkil ho jaata hai ke ye kitna tajurbekaar banda hai ...aur baaloon mein woh safedi hi nahi dikhti jo kabhi dikhaa karti thi.. ye ThoRa halka phulka jadeed sher hai I guess..aur kuch nahi..
dete jo bad du'aa the,wahii khud hee ro paRe
kyoN aaj dekhkar mujhe shoreeda haal meiN?!
Achcha sheAr hei. Waah waah.
shukriya mujhe bhi apna ye sher bahut pasand hai
maazii ki GhaltiyaaN mujhe bezaar kar gayiN
lagtaa hai umr yuN hi kaTegii malaal meiN
Lafz aSl meiN ghalaTiyaaN hei lekin Aam boul chaal meiN ghalTiyaN mustaAmal hei. Pahle miSreA meiN lafz "bezaar" kee jagah "hushyaar" behtar hei. MaAnawi liHaaz se achcha sheAr hei. Waah waah.
shukriyaa...mujhe bezaar zyaada munaasib laga yahan... 
kehne ko hoshiyaar bahut hum bhi the magar
dushman ne ban ke dost phaNsaaya tha jaal meiN
sheAr kaa mafhoom adaa hourahaa hei. Waah.
jee seedha saadha sher hai..shukriyaa
yuN hee woh meHrbaaN nahi tujh pe 'shumaa'ilah'
lagtaa hai kuch zaroor se kaala hai daal meiN
maqTeA ke pahle miSreA meiN pe ko "per" isteAmaal karsate heiN jo behtar hei. Doosre miSreA meiN "Zaroor se" ghalaT hei. Sirf "Zaroor" isteAmaal karsate heiN jaise wo Zaroor khaT likhkhenge. Doosre miSreA ko yuN keh sakte heiN. "Lagtaa hei, ghaur keeje tou kaalaa hei daal meiN".
agar aise kar doon:
yuN hee woh meHrbaaN nahi tum par 'shumaa'ilah'
kuch kuch lage hai mujh ko keh kaala hai daal meiN!
Aakhir meiN yeh vaaZeh kartaa chalooN ke meri aaraa se aapka muttafiq hounaa Zaroori nahiN.
[/color]
Aapka MukhliS,
Nazir.
[/.u]
Nazir bhai bahut bahut shukriya jo waqt nikaal kar aapne meri ghazal pe apni raaye di..is baar ghazal khaasi mushkil paRi aur bahut ghalatiyaan bhi thin magar Anmol aur aap ki rehnumaayi ke baad dheere dheere ghazal ko sudhaar rahi hoon main.... ghazal ab kuch behtar hui kya zaroor bataaiyega shukriya :rose
Shumaila
Posted: Sat Nov 04, 2006 3:00 pm
by Anmol
Shu, pms aur St forum per is baare meiN kaafi discussion ho chuki hai.
Mohtaram Nazir SaaHib ne tumheN achchhi tajaaveez di haiN, un per ghaur karo.
Achchhe se achchha likhti raho.
Javaab ke liye shukriyah
Posted: Sat Nov 04, 2006 8:07 pm
by Abdullah Nazir
Azeezah
Shummu,
PurkhulooS Tasleemaat,
MULAAHIZAAT:
Aam Taur per maiN aek martabah tabSirah karne ke baAd dobaarah beHc o mubaaHice meiN nahiN paRhnaa chaahtaa taakeh ikhtilaaf kee khaleej waseeA nah houjaaye. Lekin aap ne apne maTleA ke baare meiN yeh likhkhaa hei:
woh jo kabhi shareek the pursaan-e-haal meiN
ab sochte hain kaun paRe is bawaal meiN
shukriya...nahi ye typo nahi..maine jaanboojh ke is lafz ka istimaal kiya hai...
'bawaal' lafz bahut bola jaata hai hamare yahan...aur ye tanziya istimaal hota hai..amooman kaha jaata hai keh 'uff kaun paRe is bawaal (museebat,uljhan,pareshani) meiN' ..ho sakta hai hindi lafz ho....magar ye dekhiye khud GHALIB ne bhi istimaal kiya hai:
fikr e duniya mein sar khapat hoon
main kahan aur ye bawaal kahan
--------
Ittifaaq se mere paas Mirza Ghalib ke 2 deewaan heiN aek ShabistaN nayi Dehli kaa Ghalib Number doosra edition aur doosra SharH-e-deewaan-e-Ghalib by Prof. Yousuf Saleem chishti Iatiqaad Publishing House, Nayi Dehli.
DounoN meiN "bawaal" nahiN balke wabaal likhkhaa houaa hei.
Mazeed yeh ke lafz "bawaal" mujhe mandarja-e-zeil lughaat meiN nahiN milaa:
1-Standard Twentieth Century Dictionary / Urdu into English.
2- Feroz ul lughaat / Urdu JaamiA
3- Farhang-e-aaSafyah / murataba-e-Maulvi Syed Ahmad Dehlawi.
4- Yeh lafz tashdeed ke saath Bawwal Arabi meiN Aam hei jiske maAni heiN ziyaadah peshaab karne waalaa. Yahi maAni Farhang-e-Aamirah (Mohammed Abdullah khan Khweeshaqgi kee lughat meiN likhkhe houe heiN.
5- Lughaat-e-kishouri meiN bhee yeh lagz ghair maujood hei.
"wabaal" her lughat meiN maujood hei.
---------------------
usne jhiRak diya kyoN mujhe ishte'aal meiN?
pinhaaN tha koi naam kya mere sawaal meiN?!
pehla misra maine durust kar liya hai...aur aap ghaur karein to dono sawaaliya misre hain..yaani ek mein ye sawaal hai ke kyon usne mujhe aise jhirak diya mere sawaal poochne par? phir doosre misre mein main khud hi assume kar rahi hoon ke shayad koi naam aisa aa gaya hoga mere sawaal meiN posheeda tareeqe se..jo mere liye to aam naam hai magar uske liye woh naam bahut khaas hoga aur usne use jhanjhor ke rakh diya hoga.... ummeed hai kuch wazaahat ho gayi hogi
Aapki tashreeH ke muTaabiq miSreA kee ibaarat nahiN hei. Agar houti tou maiN khud kehtaa ke haaN (wo samajh saktaa hei ke aap ke mazkoorah naamaoN meiN se koii aisaa bhee naam thaa) bilkul durust hei.
----------
ban ke sapole unki har ik baat..kyaa kareiN
dasne lagi hai hum ko to khwaab-o-khayaal meiN
arey ikdam saaf sher to hai...BAN KE SAPOLE UNKI HAR IK BAAT= yaani unki baatein sapole banke...zaahir hain baatein zehreeli hongi isliye sapole lafz ka istimaal kiya hai
aSl meiN lafz sapoliya hei jo saanp ke bachche ko kehte heiN. Aap ne isko boulchaal kee zabaan meiN jamA kaa Seghah sapole isteAmaal kiyaa hei jis se her aek baat kee tamceel nahiN housakti.
-------
woh eik chhed jo na tha zaahir kabhii bahut
peband jab laga hua ashkaar shaal meiN!
agar is sher ko aise kar doon:
woh eik chhed jo na tha zaahir kabhii bahut
paiwand jab laga hua waazeh wo shaal meiN!
ya phir
woh eik chhed jo na thaa zaahir kabhii bahut
baad-e-rafuu hua hai numaayaaN wo shaal meiN
Mandarja-e-baalaa dounoN sheAr durust heiN.
-------
maana ke tajribe ki alaamat hai ye magar
miltii hai ab kahaan woh safedii hi baal meiN!
(yahan tanz hair color/dyes pe hai!)
sher mein ye kaha gaya hai keh aajkal itna zyaada hair colors/streaking/dyes ka daur hai ke asl baal ka rang to kisi ka jaldi dikhta hi nahi hai..aur aajkal log safed baal ko old fashioned maante hain aur use bhi color kar lete hain..jisse woh bhi young dikhne lagte hain..isliye ab kisi ke baal ko dekhkar ye pata lagaana zara mushkil ho jaata hai ke ye kitna tajurbekaar banda hai ...aur baaloon mein woh safedi hi nahi dikhti jo kabhi dikhaa karti thi.. ye ThoRa halka phulka jadeed sher hai I guess..aur kuch nahi..
-----------
maazii ki GhaltiyaaN mujhe bezaar kar gayiN
lagtaa hai umr yuN hi kaTegii malaal meiN
shukriyaa...mujhe bezaar zyaada munaasib laga yahan...
Jee aapka zauq muqaddam hounaa chaahiye jiskaa aapko poora poora Haq hei.
-------
yuN hee woh meHrbaaN nahi tujh pe 'shumaa'ilah'
lagtaa hai kuch zaroor se kaala hai daal meiN
agar aise kar doon:
yuN hee woh meHrbaaN nahi tum par 'shumaa'ilah'
kuch kuch lage hai mujh ko keh kaala hai daal meiN!
Jee durust hei agar aapko "ko keh kaalaa" aek saath isteAmaal karnaa gawaaraa hou.
MaiN aapke javaab se khush hooN ke aap meiN itni jur'at hei ke ghalaT aur SaHeeH ke darmiyaan farq ko samajhne kee koushish kareN.
Aapka MukhliS,
Nazir.
Sawalat
Posted: Sun Nov 05, 2006 8:25 am
by bard
Salam,
Sanpolia wahid hay iss ki jama kia hay?sanp kay bachon ko kiya kehtay hain?Waisse tu Urdu grammer mein aisse he jama banate hain.
`Har eik baat` wahid hay ya jama?Har tu hamesha eik say ziyada kay leye hota hay jaisse har insan ya har bacha
Phir shayed hai ghalat ho jis ko shaira ne hain he likha tha.
Re: Sawalat
Posted: Sun Nov 05, 2006 9:52 am
by Shummu
bard wrote:Salam,
Sanpolia wahid hay iss ki jama kia hay?sanp kay bachon ko kiya kehtay hain?Waisse tu Urdu grammer mein aisse he jama banate hain.
`Har eik baat` wahid hay ya jama?Har tu hamesha eik say ziyada kay leye hota hay jaisse har insan ya har bacha
Phir shayed hai ghalat ho jis ko shaira ne hain he likha tha.
I'm so consfused uff
main yahi jaanti thi/hoon keh ke 'saaNp' ke bacche ko 'sapole' kehte hain..aur 'har ik baat' ...zaahir hai ek se zyaada baat ke liye hi kaha gaya hai..yaani plural.... uske baad maine 'dasne lagin' likha tha 'har bata ke' hawaale se hi..magar anmol ne kaha its wrong so I changed it to 'dasne lagi' ..aur mujhe laga typo ho gayi hogi...ghazal likhte waqt main bahut confuse thi 'lagi' aur lagin' mein aur ab aur ho gayi hoon
what is the correct version? :?
P.S:btw khushaamdeed..aap shayad naye hain yahan...aate hi aapne meri post pe tawajju farmaayi uske liye shukriya ..aate jaate rahiyega :)
Posted: Mon Nov 13, 2006 12:28 pm
by Shummu
Shukriya sara jee..aap ki jaanib se zamaane baad daad wusool hui hai..dil khush ho gaya.....waqaii is baar bahut lambe gap ke baad ghazal kahi thi.......aap ko pasand aayi jaankar khushi hui..shukriya !!:)