Bazm-urdubandhan ko manu kaa salaam.paish-e-khidmat hai ek taazaa nayi likhi ghazal , aur yeh ghazal khaas kar maine urduanjuman ke audio pragraame ke liye likhi hai , is ke liye men sarwar sahaab aur urduanjuman audio team ka tah-e-dil se shukraguzaar hoon ,mujhe yakeen hai ki ghazal sab ko pasand aayegi kyun ki is men maine apne sab jazbat nichor kar rakh diye hai aur kaafi mehnat bhi ki hai, mai ummid kartaa hoon aap apne mashahvare se ise jaroor navaaziyega

matlaa paish hai



Julm kar ke sanam muskurane lage
voh bahaareN gale ham lagaane lage


Gaur Farmaayiyega janaab


Kuchh rahi hi nahi mujh ko apni khabar
Is qadar zehn men voh samaane lage

chaandanii eik hi kyaa hai mere sanam
sab tere rukh ke aage fasaane lage

Kyaa pataa hai tumheN zehmateN ishq ki
Tum ko paane men ham ko zamaane lage

Kyaa ghazab ka nasha tha nazar men tiree
Bin piye hi qadam ladkhadaane lage

Sab lutaa kar bhi ham mutma,in* ho gaye
Ishq men haath kyaa kyaa khazaane lage

itni berehm to thii na doorii kabhii
Faasile bhi sazaa ab sunaane lage

Jab huii shaam un ka khayaal aa gaya
Lab mere Yeh ghazal gungunaane lage

Beasar bazm men thi ghazal hi meri
Chhod kar bazm hii log jaane lage


aur aakhir men maktaa arz hai, yeh to hona hi tha


Jab hameN Zakhm dil ke sataane lage
Ashk hii the vafaa jo nibhaane lage

*mutma-iin = Befikra

aap ki raay ka muntzir hoon
regards
manu

Post kii gayi ghazal modified hai , yaani ghaltiyaa sudhaar kar fir se likhi hui hai.

raay ka muntzir hoon

regards
manu

Sarwar Raz wrote:Manish jee: aadaab aur namaste!

mujh ko afsos hai keh maiN is se pehle naheeN likh sakaa. har jagah kee har cheez dekh naheeN saktaa aur dekh bhee looN to likhnaa mumkin naheeN hai. phir doosree meHfiloN se bhee dost likhne ko kehte haiN yaa iSlaaH aur madad maaNGte haiN. Khair mujh se jo ho saktaa hai woh karne kee koshish kartaa hooN. kaash kuchh aur dost bhee aage baRheN aur kaam kareN.

aap kee Ghazal par muKhtaSar likh rahaa hooN. maiN Hindi paRh likh letaa hooN aur jaantaa hooN keh us meN bohat see woh aawaazeN naheeN haiN jo Urdu meN haiN. is liYe aap kee mushkil samajh meN aatee hai. lekin agar Urdu meN Ghazal kehnee hai to zabaan to SaHeeH likhnee hee ho gee. aaj kal Delhi meN bohat see aisee kitaabeN miltee haiN jo English kee madad se aasaan Urdu sikhaatee haiN. agar waqt mile to un ko Khareed leN.

maiN jagah jagah aap kee zabaan bhee Theek karooN gaa taa keh aage aap ko aasaanee ho.

aap kee Ghazal achhee hai. itnee jaldee aap ne kaafee taraqqee kar lee hai. meHnat kaa phal to miltaa hee hai. so aap ko bhee mil rahaa hai. meHnat karte rahiYe.
---------------------------
Kar sitam hamnashiin muskuraane lage
Un fizaaN ko gale ham lagaane lage

un---------> us (kyoN keh fizaa waaHid ya'nee :singular: hai)
fizaaN-------> fizaa

:kar sitam: Theek naheeN hai. :kar ke sitam: honaa chaahiYe lekin aisaa likhne se wazn (meter) Kharaab ho jaataa hai. :fizaa ko gale lagaanaa: bhee mat^lab bayaan naheeN kartaa hai. ek shakl yeh ho saktee hai:

zulm Dhaa kar woh phir muskuraane lage
ham gale un ko phir bhee lagaane lage

aap bhee sochiye.
--------------------------
Gaur Farmaayiyega janaab

gaur--------->Ghaur (Hindi meN :Ghain: kee aawaaz naheeN hai. :ga: ke neeche :bindu: lagaa dete haiN. yeh aawaaz Halaq kee gehraayee se nikaltee hai)

Kuchh rahi hi nahi mujh ko meri khabar
Is kadar zehn men voh samaane lage

kadar-------->qadar (yeh aawaaz bhee :ka: ke neeche :bindu: lagaa kar adaa karne kee koshish kee jaatee hai)

:meree Khabar: ko :apnee Khabar: kar deejiYe to muHaawirah Theek ho jaaye gaa.
---------------------------
chaandani kyaa sanam hai tere saamne
Rukh ke aage tere sab fasaane lage

yeh she'r apne ma'nee meN Saaf naheeN hai. is par phir sochiYe.
------------------------------
Kyaa pataa hai tumhe jehmateN ishq ki
Tum ko paane men ham ko zamaane lage

tumhe------->tumheN
jahmateN--------> zehmateN (yahaaN bhee :ja: kee neeche :bindu: hai)

she'r achhaa hai. mujh ko pasand aayaa! shaabaasah.
----------------------
Kyaa ghazab ka nasha tha nazar men teri
Bin piye hi kadam ladkhadaane lage

teri--------->tiree

(:teree: meN :ta: par :ai: kee maatraa hai aur :ra: par baRee :ee: kee maatraa. :tiree: meN :ta: par chhoTee :ee: kee maatraa hai. in ke bolne meN bhee farq hai lekin mat^lab ek hee hai)

kadam---------> qadam (:ka: ke neeche :bindu:!)

she'r achhaa hai.
---------------------------
Sab lutaa kar bhi ham mutma-iin ho gaye
Ishq men haath kyaa kyaa khazaane lage

mutma-iin--------> mutma,in

yeh she'r bhee achhaa hai!
-------------------------
Beraham thi nahi itni dooriyaaN kabhi
Faasle bhi sazaa ab sunaane lage

beraham-----------> be-rehm (:ha: par kee maatraa naheeN hai bal.k yeh saakin ya'nee :without movement: hai.)
Faasle-------------->faasile

ab pehlaa miSRa' wazn meN naheeN rahaa! is par meHnat keejiye.
-----------------
Jab huii shaam un ka khayaal aa gaya
Lab mere Yeh ghazal gungunaane lage

achhaa she'r hai. daad!
------------------
Beasar bazm men thi kavish hi meri
Chhor kar bazm log laut jaane lage

kavish------->kaavish (ka par baRee :aa: kee maatraa hai)

ab yeh she'r bhee phir se kehnaa ho gaa!
-------------------
aur aakhir men maktaa arz hai, yeh to hona hi tha

maktaa-------->maqta

Jab hame jakhm dil ke sataane lage
Ashk hii the vafaa jo nibhaane lage

hame-----------> hameN
jakhm---------->zakhm

she'r yooN to achhaa hai lekin aap ne donoN miSro'N meN Ghazal kee radeef aur qaafiyah duhraa kar is ko mat^la' banaa diyaa hai. so pehlaa miSra' badal deN.

dard dil kaa mire jab bohat barh gayaa
ashk hee ---------------------
===============================
maiN aap kee koshish se Khush huwaa!

Sarwar A. Raz "Sarwar"

Sarwar sir aap ka mai tah-e-dil se shukragujaar hoon, aap ki rehnoomaayi hai tabhi mai yeh ghazal likh paaya hoon
aap ka bahut bahut shukriyaah, maine already is ghazal ko sudhaar kar paish kiyaa hai
regards
manu