Salam Afzal SaHeb,

leejiaye janab aap ki doosri ghazal paRhne ki s'aadat bhi HaSil ho gayee. aor ye khyaal dil par cabt hogyaa hai ke aap bohat achche shaair heN.

1. maTla' bohat khoob aor m'aini aafreeN ahi. daad! kaheeN ko kabhi kar ke bhi daikh leejiaye.
2. khyaal achchaa hai laikin pehlay miSra meN alfaaz ki tarteeb yaqeenun behtari chaahti hai. faqat ye soch kar meN ne diyaa hai taiz jhooNke ko shayed nisbatan behtar ho.
3. waah. bohat khoob. kyaa ghazab ka sher hai. mairaa to dil kartaa hai issay aap ke naam ke saath maqTa honaa chaahiaye, jaise,

moHabbat karne se pehlay ye maaNgi thi dua! afzal
ussi ka jim ho jaa-aye ussi ki jaan ho jaa-aye.
4. waah waah.
5. ye sher kuch khaaS samajh naheeN aayaa. apni kam samjhi ke leeaye ma'zirat chahtaa hooN.
6. [/b]bohat khoob janab! bohat khoob[/b] laikin pehlaa miSra meN kuch alfaaz ka hair phair lag rahaa hai. aap ki sher paRhaa to maire zehn meN ye miSra aayaa. ye bilkul na samjhiaye ga ke meN aap ki miSra ko tabdeel kar rahaa hooN. balkee meN apni aamad bataa rahaa hooN :). paristish kab bhalaa muHtaaj hai masjid ya mandar ki.
7.maqTaa' bhi khuch khaaS samajh naheen ayaa. kyaa ghar ki weerani ki dua maaNgi jaa rahi hai? aor phir bijli girne se ghar veeran naheeN hotaa balke jaltaa hai. aap ka kyaa khyaal hai.

meN shaairy meN bilkul nayaa hooN. is leeaye dostoN se shairy par discuss kartaa hooN. agar aap ko mairaa ye andaaz buraa lagaa ho Saaf Saaf farmaa dijiaye gaa. meN moHTaaT ho jaaooN ga aor haaN agar aap ne aik baar green signal day diyaa to phir meN rukne waalaa naheeN ;).

Allah aap ko khush rakhay,

niazmand,
Muhammad K. Siddiqui.

muhammad_19k wrote:Salam Afzal SaHeb,

leejiaye janab aap ki doosri ghazal paRhne ki s'aadat bhi HaSil ho gayee. aor ye khyaal dil par cabt hogyaa hai ke aap bohat achche shaair heN.

1. maTla' bohat khoob aor m'aini aafreeN ahi. daad! kaheeN ko kabhi kar ke bhi daikh leejiaye.
2. khyaal achchaa hai laikin pehlay miSra meN alfaaz ki tarteeb yaqeenun behtari chaahti hai. faqat ye soch kar meN ne diyaa hai taiz jhooNke ko shayed nisbatan behtar ho.
3. waah. bohat khoob. kyaa ghazab ka sher hai. mairaa to dil kartaa hai issay aap ke naam ke saath maqTa honaa chaahiaye, jaise,

moHabbat karne se pehlay ye maaNgi thi dua! afzal
ussi ka jim ho jaa-aye ussi ki jaan ho jaa-aye.
4. waah waah.
5. ye sher kuch khaaS samajh naheeN aayaa. apni kam samjhi ke leeaye ma'zirat chahtaa hooN.
6. [/b]bohat khoob janab! bohat khoob[/b] laikin pehlaa miSra meN kuch alfaaz ka hair phair lag rahaa hai. aap ki sher paRhaa to maire zehn meN ye miSra aayaa. ye bilkul na samjhiaye ga ke meN aap ki miSra ko tabdeel kar rahaa hooN. balkee meN apni aamad bataa rahaa hooN :). paristish kab bhalaa muHtaaj hai masjid ya mandar ki.
7.maqTaa' bhi khuch khaaS samajh naheen ayaa. kyaa ghar ki weerani ki dua maaNgi jaa rahi hai? aor phir bijli girne se ghar veeran naheeN hotaa balke jaltaa hai. aap ka kyaa khyaal hai.

meN shaairy meN bilkul nayaa hooN. is leeaye dostoN se shairy par discuss kartaa hooN. agar aap ko mairaa ye andaaz buraa lagaa ho Saaf Saaf farmaa dijiaye gaa. meN moHTaaT ho jaaooN ga aor haaN agar aap ne aik baar green signal day diyaa to phir meN rukne waalaa naheeN ;).

Allah aap ko khush rakhay,

niazmand,
Muhammad K. Siddiqui.

Esteemed brother............aap ki tamaam suggestions na sirf pasand aayin balke main in per fakhar mehsoos kerta houn.Aap ka aik aik lafz mayre leay upni poetry se kahin zayaza hasin laga hai.Main pehli hi fursat mein ye changes jo k aap ne farmaai hain ker loun ga..........Aap se guzarish hai k aap mayre her lafz ko tunqeedi nazer se daikhain taake koi pehloo bhi tishngi ka shikar na reh sake........mujhe na sirf khushi ho go balke aapki suggestions mayre leay aik roshni ka minar houn gi.Aik do din main farigh ho ker aap se baqaida mustafeez hota rahoun ga..........Aap ko green signal mil chukka hai........jub jub rehnamai farmain ge duaain daita rahoun ga.Thanks.

Afzal bhai assalam o alaekum

aap ko urdubandhan maiM khushaamedeed kehta huN

mujhay khushi hay keh aap kay kalam ki khushbu chaman der chaman phailnay lagi hay

aap ki yeh ghazal bhi aap ki shaeri ki salahietoN ki aeenahdaar hay aur mujhay kamil yaqeen hay keh ager aap mehnet keraiN to aap urdu adeb maiN giraNqader izafay ka baeC ban saktay haiN.

aap ki ghazal per khawer saaheb mufaSil likh chukay haiN aur yaqeenan aap kay liay is tabSiray maiN kai patay ki baateN hoN gi. khawer saaheb kay baray maiN sirf itna arz keruN ga keh in ki aajizi per nah jaeiay ga woh seekhnay kay bahanay hamaiN bohat kuch sikha daitay haiN aur in kay purkhayal tabSiroN say mustafeed honay ki saadet ka maiN bhi hamaisha baRay shouq say muntazir rehta huN.

kuch ashaar kay baray maiN apni raey day raha huN ager giraN nah guzray to...

1. pehla miSra ager yuN ker daiN

kabhi woh is terah dil maiN miray mehmaan ho jaey

chunkeh aap dusray miSray maiN jisterah ka istemaal ker rehay haiN to mojuda suret maiN sher ka bayan naqiS reh jaata hay.

2. khawer saaheb ki tajweez munasib hay.

3. yahaN bhi dekhiay keh khawer saaheb nay kis khubsureti say aap kay sher ki khami per perdah Daal ker ussay aik bohat behter shakel day di hay.

4. lafz 'ZanjeeraiN' yahaN wazen ko kharab ker raha hay

khayal to Theek hay albata bayan maiN behteri ki gunjaesh hay.

5. khayal acha hay jaisa keh meri soch kay mutabiq aap husn e takhleeq maiN zahur ki baat ker rehay haiN.

6. yahaN 'aelaan' ka lafz mujhay kuch munasib nahiN lag raha.... qafia nibhanay ki majburi ka unCer ghalib aa gaya hay shaed.

7. khawer saaheb darust keh rehay haiN ibhaam ka masala hay.



maiN nay socha signal green hay to maiN bhi gaRi guzar hi luN is say pehlay keh signal red ho jaey.


faqet


sohail malik

Sohail SaHeb theek farmaateN heN. sher No. chaar meN zanjeereN vazn ko kharab kar rahaa hai.meN apni kam nazari par sharmindaa hooN aor nishaandahi par Sohail SaHeb ka shukrguzaar hooN.

Regards,
Muhammad K. Siddiqui.