akifghani wrote:Assalam o allaikum!
Ek taza ghazal ley key hazir hoon.
Kaisee lagi bataiey ga

Akif jee,
aadaab,

aap kee ye taazaj ghazal daikhee aur pasaNd aayee.
she'r #4 khayaal buhat pasaNd aayaa.
iss kaavish par meree taraf se daad qubool kijiye!

1, 2 baateN:

she'r #2a behr se khaarij hai, aap ise daikh lijiye aur lafz.e."toomate" kaa kyaa ma'nee haiN? jahaaN tak meraa khayaal hai ye lafz urdu kaa naheeN hai balke "Punjabi" kaa mehsoos hotaa hai, aap bataanaa pasaNd kareN ge?
she'r #3a kaa misra' kamzor mehsoos huvaa. 3b buhat khoob misra' hai magar 3a mazeed behtar ho saktaa hai, aap daikh lijiye.

she'r #4b meiN :yooNhi: kaa mujhe shak hai ke ye shaayad iss vazn par naheeN aa saktaa hai, agar tau ise :khushee: kee tarah iss vazn par baaNdhaa jaa saktaa hai tau phir tau theek hai, lekin agar naheeN tau aap ye bhee dusrust kar lijiye!

she'r #5a,b donoN misre' hee behr se khaarij heiN. inheN bhee daikhnaa paRe gaa.


tau ye rahe mere taacuraat, umeed karti hooN ke meree koee baat naa.gawaar naheeN mehsoos ho gee.

buhat shukriya
Naheed