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ek mukhtasar ghazal
Posted: Sun Apr 10, 2005 4:46 am
by Mohib
aadaab !!
ek mukhtasar si ghazal haazir-e-khidmat hai.
:)
dil-e-naadaan kee qayadat mein
umr guzree hai kis aziyat mein
tum bhi ho kya kisi ki qurbat mein??
ham bhi jalte the yun hi furqat mein !!
ab tujhe bhool bhi nahin sakte
mubtilaa hain ajab museebat mein
kisko fursat thi ghar banane kee
log rahne lage imarat mein
main tujhe chhoR kar agar jaaoN
umr kat jayegi musafat mein
-------------
aap sabki aaraa ka muntazir.
khaq saar,
Mohib
Re: ek mukhtasar ghazal
Posted: Sun Apr 10, 2005 5:57 am
by Hashmat Usmani
salaam MoHeeb saaHib,
aapkii Ghazal abhi abhi nazar_guzaar huii. masha Allah zoe e qalam shabaab par hai...muKhtasir Ghazal meN aapne taveel Ghazal waalii baat kah di 
masha Allah...mujhe aapkii Ghazal bahot pasand aayii. shukria share karne ke liye.
dil-e-naadaan kee qayadat mein
umr guzree hai kis aziyat mein
waah! dil-e-naadaaN kii qayaadat meN....bahot Khoob
tum bhi ho kya kisi ki qurbat mein??
ham bhi jalte the yun hi furqat mein !!
kia baat hai...kia mavaazna kiyaa hai...bahot Khoob.
ab tujhe bhool bhi nahin sakte
mubtilaa hain ajab museebat mein
haN bhai...saheeH kaha...'ishq vaHshat hii nahiiN musiibat bhii hai
kisko fursat thi ghar banane kee
log rahne lage imarat mein
yeh she'r thoRa behtarii chaahtaa hai...zara Ghaur farmaaiyegaa. lafz-e-banaane ke bajaaye "basaane" ziyaadah mauzooN arhegaa, yaa is she'r ko yuN kahiiye:
unkii fitrat nahiiN ghar basaane kii
is liye jaa base haiN ik 'imaarat meN
main tujhe chhoR kar agar jaaoN
umr kat jayegi musafat mein
achchhaa Khayaal hai par mere Khayaal se aapdusre misr'e ko yuN kar ke dekhiye, aapko kaisa lagtaa hai. maHboob to janaab tasavvur hii nahiN kar saktaa ki kabhii uskii apnii maHbooba se judaaii bhi ho saktii hai is liye aap VOLUNTARILY kiuN use chhoR kar jaane ke imkaanaat ko ubhaar rahe haiN. yah badal kaisa rahegaa?
ham judaa ho ke bhi kahaN jaayeN
zeest kaise kaTe musaafat meN!
ummeed hai ki merii tajaaveez ka bura nahiiN maaneNge. shukria.
Hashmat
Aapki ghazal pasand aayi
Posted: Mon Apr 11, 2005 4:53 pm
by Abdullah Nazir
MuHtarami
Mohib Saahib,
Purkhuloos Tasleemaat,
Janab Asad Saahib ke tavassuT se
Bahut dinaoN pahle aap se taAaruf kaa sharaf Haasil houaa thaa. Aaj aapki ghazal urdubandhan per dekhkar bahut khushi houi.
Is per apna tabsirah karte houe yeh bataadenaa chaahtaa hooN ke aapka meri aaraa se muttafiq hounaa zaroori nahiN hei.
1)dil-e-naadaan kee qayadat mein
umr guzree hai kis aziyat mein
Lafz qiyaadat ko typo kii vajah se aap ne qayadat likhkha hei, aur aziyyat ko aziyat. Mafhoom ke liHaaz se maTlaA bahut achchaa hei.
2)tum bhi ho kya kisi ki qurbat mein??
ham bhi jalte the yun hi furqat mein !!
Aapka sheAr paRhkar yooN meHsoos hourahaa hei ke aapka doosra misraA yooN hounaa chaahiye:
jaise ham jal rahe heiN furqat meiN
3)ab tujhe bhool bhi nahin sakte
mubtilaa hain ajab museebat mein
Doosre misreA meiN lafz "mubtilaa" ghalat hei usko "mubtalaa" likhnaa chaahiye. SheAr bahut hii achchaa hei.
4)kisko fursat thi ghar banane kee
log rahne lage imarat mein
SheAr durust hei jis se yeh samajh meiN aataa hei ke kisi shakhs ko ghar banaane kii fursat nahiN thii
kiyoonkeh sab ke sab imaarat meiN rahne lage thay.
5)main tujhe chhoR kar agar jaaoN
umr kat jayegi musafat mein
yeh sheAr bhii vazeh hei.
Ummeed hei ke aayindah aapke muTaaleAe meiN tauseeA hougi aur aap behtar se behtar sheAr kahne lagenge.
Aapka Mukhlis,
Nazir.
Re: ek mukhtasar ghazal
Posted: Mon Apr 11, 2005 8:38 pm
by Mahtab Qadr
Mohib wrote:aadaab !!
ek mukhtasar si ghazal haazir-e-khidmat hai.
:)
dil-e-naadaan kee qayadat mein
umr guzree hai kis aziyat mein
tum bhi ho kya kisi ki qurbat mein??
ham bhi jalte the yun hi furqat mein !!
ab tujhe bhool bhi nahin sakte
mubtilaa hain ajab museebat mein
kisko fursat thi ghar banane kee
log rahne lage imarat mein
main tujhe chhoR kar agar jaaoN
umr kat jayegi musafat mein
-------------
aap sabki aaraa ka muntazir.
khaq saar,
Mohib
bahut khoob achi ghazal pesh ki hai mohib ji aapne
dil-e-naadaan kee qayaadat mein
umr guzree hai kis aziyyat mein
bahut khoob , acha sher hai, magar misra e oola maiN dil e naadaan shayed zabaan ke aitebaar se munasib nahi , wazan ki zaroorat zaroor hai. dil e naadaaN sahi hai.
tum bhi ho kya kisi ki qurbat mein??
ham bhi jalte the yun hi furqat mein !!
ab tujhe bhool bhi nahin sakte
mubtilaa hain ajab museebat mein
waah waah khoob
kisko fursat thi ghar banane kee
log rahne lage imarat mein
main tujhe chhoR kar agar jaaoN
umr kat jayegi musafat mein
Re: ek mukhtasar ghazal
Posted: Tue Apr 12, 2005 2:38 pm
by najma
Mohib wrote:aadaab !!
ek mukhtasar si ghazal haazir-e-khidmat hai.
:)
dil-e-naadaan kee qayadat mein
umr guzree hai kis aziyat mein
tum bhi ho kya kisi ki qurbat mein??
ham bhi jalte the yun hi furqat mein !!
ab tujhe bhool bhi nahin sakte
mubtilaa hain ajab museebat mein
kisko fursat thi ghar banane kee
log rahne lage imarat mein
main tujhe chhoR kar agar jaaoN
umr kat jayegi musafat mein
-------------
aap sabki aaraa ka muntazir.
khaq saar,
Mohib
mohib sahib
aapki ghazal bohat pasand aaee.khoob kahaa hay aap ne
waaah
daad qubool kijiye
