...ho jaanaa(nayi tarahi ghazal)

[Shummu]

Salaam ek nayi tarahi ghazal pesh-e-khidmat hai..ummeed hai aap ko pasand aayegi..aap ki aara ki muntazir :)

mere apnoN ka mujhee se yuN khafaa ho jaanaa
aur kia hoga mire Haq meiN buraa ho jaana

kyaa yahii hota hai anjaam-e-wafaa ho jaanaa ?!
'rote rote gham-e-furqat meiN fanaa ho jaanaa' ?!

teri qasmoN,tire waadoN ka wafaa ho jaanaa
jaise ik khwaab ka aankhoN se rihaa ho jaanaa

is janam meiN na sahii duuje janam meiN milnaa
tum agar mere na ho paana,judaa ho jaanaa

yuN achaanak miri dunyaa meiN tiraa aa jaanaa
jaise maangaa huaa qismat se ataa ho jaanaa

ho na ho meri duaaoN ka asar hai jaanaaN
abr-e-shaadaaN ka tiree chath pe ghanaa ho jaanaa

Aye mire dushman-e-jaaN itna karam farmaanaa
jaate jaate dil-e-bismil ki dawaa ho jaanaa

baais-e-be kali ban jaaye na terii furqat
khwaab meiN hee sahi tuu jalwa numaa ho jaanaa

jab bhi niklooN maiN khule sar tiri yaadeN le ker
dhoop meiN gham kii tuu khushyoN ki ridaa ho jaanaa

gar ye taqdeer nahii hai to bataa phir kyaa hai?
mere haathoN ki lakeeroN ka likhaa ho jaanaa


faqat,
Shumaila

[naheedv]

Dear Shummu,

aaj kal lagtaa hai likhne kee tehreek baRe zoroN par chal rahi hai :)
tumhaari ye nayi ghazal paRhi aur pasaNd aayee. mashaa'Allah tumhaaraa kalaam buhat nighar geyaa hai aur allah kare isee tarah likhti raho.
iss ghazal par meree daad qubool karo aur agar ijaazat ho tau chaNd aik baateN, iss umeed ke saath ke isey tanqid na samjhaa jaaye balke aik mukhlisaanah mashwarah!

1.
mere apnoN kaa mujhee se yooN khafaa ho jaanaa
aur kyaa ho gaa mire haq meN buraa ho jaanaa
she'r achaa hai magar pehlaa misra' mazeed behtaree chaahataa hai

2.
kyaa yahi hotaa hai anjaam.e.wafaa ho jaanaa
'rote rote gham.e.furqat meN fanaa ho jaanaa'

meree nazar meN pehlaa misra' kamzor hai. agar tum ye kehtii ke
kyaa yahi hotaa hai anjaam.e.wafaa?
tau baat poori adaa ho rahi hai magar "
kyaa yahi hotaa hai anjaam.e.wafaa ho jaanaa
kuch sahi nahi lag rahaa hai.
iss par qadre ghaur kee zaroorat hai.

3.
teri qasmoN, tire wa'doN kaa wafaa ho jaanaa
jaisey ik khawaab kaa aaNkhoN se rihaa ho jaanaa

yahaaN mujhey donoN misroN kaa rabt samajh meN nahiN aayaa hai.
2nd misra' yooN kahaa jaa saktaa hai:
jooN tire khawaab kaa aaNkhoN se rihaa ho jaanaa

4.
iss janam meN na sahi, dooje janam meN milnaa
tum agar mer ena ho paanaa, judaa ho jaanaa

ye she'r bhee tachnically kamzor hai.
pehlee baat tau ye ke hum musilman "dusre janam" par imaan naheeN rakhte haiN.
lekin iss misre' meN tumhaaraa matlab "life here after" se hai magar
she'r voh matlab adaa karne se qaasir rahaa hai.

6.
ho na ho meree du'aaoN kaa acar hai jaanaaN
abr.e.shaadaaN kaa tiree ch'at pe ghanaa ho jaanaa

she'r achaa hai, 2nd misre meN "tiree" ko "miree" se badal tau phir kaisaa rahe?

9.
jab bhee niklooN maiN khule sar tiri yaadeN le kar
gham ki do.pehr meN khushiyoN ki ridaa ho jaanaa

waah, khayaal buhat khoobsoorat hai, daad haazir hai, magar pehla misra qadre kamzor hai.

10.
aakhiree she'r kaa khayaal bhee khoob hai magar vaazeh nahi hai.
sahi tarah se adaa na hone par khayaal ulajh geyaa hai.

--------------------------------
Shummu mujhey ummeed hai ke mere iss tabsare kaa buraa nahi maanaa ho gaa,
agar iss se dil.shiknee ho tau ma'zarat magar ye mukhlisaanah raa'e hai.

mukhliS
Naheed

[Shummu]

[quote author=naheedv board=tanqeedtabsara thread=1133778232 post=1133792705]Dear Shummu,

aaj kal lagtaa hai likhne kee tehreek baRe zoroN par chal rahi hai :)
tumhaari ye nayi ghazal paRhi aur pasaNd aayee. mashaa'Allah tumhaaraa kalaam buhat nikhar geyaa hai aur allah kare isee tarah likhti raho.
iss ghazal par meree daad qubool karo aur agar ijaazat ho tau chaNd aik baateN, iss umeed ke saath ke isey tanqid na samjhaa jaaye balke aik mukhlisaanah mashwarah!

Salaam Dear NAHEED sis...mujhe khushi ho rahi hai ke aap ne mere kalaam mein pehle se nikhaar mehsoos kiya hai..bahut shukriya ..aur ab to aap saahiba-e-kitaab ho gayi hain isliye aap to mere liye kisi ustaani se kam nahi :D aap ne jahan jahan kuch kaha hai wahan main bhi defence mein kuch kehne ki jasaarat kar rahi hoon ..ummeed hai aap bura nahi maanengi :biggrin:

1.
mere apnoN kaa mujhee se yooN khafaa ho jaanaa
aur kyaa ho gaa mire haq meN buraa ho jaanaa

she'r achaa hai magar pehlaa misra' mazeed behtaree chaahataa hai

jee I know baDi mushkil se ye matla ho paaya hai..is baar behr khaasi dushwaar lagi mujhe...acchi khaasi zehn ki warzish ho gayi ye ghazal kehte hue lolz

2.
kyaa yahi hotaa hai anjaam.e.wafaa ho jaanaa
'rote rote gham.e.furqat meN fanaa ho jaanaa'

meree nazar meN pehlaa misra' kamzor hai. agar tum ye kehtii ke
kyaa yahi hotaa hai anjaam.e.wafaa?
tau baat poori adaa ho rahi hai magar "
kyaa yahi hotaa hai anjaam.e.wafaa ho jaanaa
kuch sahi nahi lag rahaa hai.
iss par qadre ghaur kee zaroorat hai.

achcha?mujhe to sahi lag raha hai....yahan mere sawaaliya andaaz mein ye baat kahi hai aur anjaam to hota haina? isliye anjaam-e-wafaa ho jaane ki tarteeb istimaal ki hai :eek:

3.
teri qasmoN, tire wa'doN kaa wafaa ho jaanaa
jaisey ik khawaab kaa aaNkhoN se rihaa ho jaanaa

yahaaN mujhey donoN misroN kaa rabt samajh meN nahiN aayaa hai.
2nd misra' yooN kahaa jaa saktaa hai:
jooN tire khawaab kaa aaNkhoN se rihaa ho jaanaa


maine yahan ye kehna chaaha hai keh..asl meiN khwaab sabhi dekhte hain magar khwaab poora kisi kisi ka hi hota hai aur jab tak khwaab poora na ho tab tak woh aankhon mein qaid ho ke reh jaata hai aur agar khwaab poora ho jaata hai to woh aankhon se rihaa ho jaata hai yaani phir woh khwaab dubaara nahi dekhta kyonki woh mukammal ho chuka hota hai,uski takmeel ho chuki hoti hai...waise hi qasmein,waade sabhi karte hain magar nibhaate koi koi hi hai to bas isliye kaha hai ke tumhare waade ka wafaa ho jaana jaise koi khwaab dekha ho aur woh poora ho gaya ho..ummeed hai ab baat wazeh ho gayi hogi

4.
iss janam meN na sahi, dooje janam meN milnaa
tum agar mer ena ho paanaa, judaa ho jaanaa

ye she'r bhee tachnically kamzor hai.
pehlee baat tau ye ke hum musilman "dusre janam" par imaan naheeN rakhte haiN.
lekin iss misre' meN tumhaaraa matlab "life here after" se hai magar
she'r voh matlab adaa karne se qaasir rahaa hai.

poetry mein to bahut si imaginary cheez hum likhte hain ..zaroori nahi ke use follow hi kar rahe ho ya aisa hona mumkin ho..jaise bahut se log sharaab ka zikr karte hain sher mein chaahe kabhi sharaab ko haath tak na lagayaa ho ..waise hi dusre janam ko maine imaginary taur pe likha hai aur yahan ye kehna chaaha hai keh..aksar log paas hoke bhi paas nahi hote aur ye door rehne se bhi dardnaak hota hai ke koi aap ke nazdeek to hai magar aap ke dil ke paas nahi to wahi main keh rahi hoon ke agar tum mere poori taarh nahi ho sakte is janam mein to behtar hai judaa ho jaoo aur koshish karna agle janam mein milne ki....ummeed hai ab sher smajh aa gaya hoga go ke bahut achche se sher mein ye khayaal Dhaal nahi paayi hoon magar baat waazeh ho gayi ho hogi :redface:

6.
ho na ho meree du'aaoN kaa acar hai jaanaaN
abr.e.shaadaaN kaa tiree ch'at pe ghanaa ho jaanaa

she'r achaa hai, 2nd misre meN "tiree" ko "miree" se badal tau phir kaisaa rahe?

pehle main sher ko MIREE ke saath hi likh rahi thi magar uski munaasbat se pehla misra zordaar nahi ban paa raha tha..to maine sher hi badal diya...aur main mutma'in hoon apne sher ki is shakl se so ab main sher ko mazeed cheRhna nahi chahti :022:


9.
jab bhee niklooN maiN khule sar tiri yaadeN le kar
gham ki do.pehr meN khushiyoN ki ridaa ho jaanaa

waah, khayaal buhat khoobsoorat hai, daad haazir hai, magar pehla misra qadre kamzor hai.

jee I know....agar koi aur shakl aap ek zehn mein ho to plz bataaiye :rolleyes:

10.
aakhiree she'r kaa khayaal bhee khoob hai magar vaazeh nahi hai.
sahi tarah se adaa na hone par khayaal ulajh geyaa hai.

:D arey woh kyon?itna seedha saadha to sher hai..ulajh kaise gaya..?ab isse bhi zyaada seedha sher kaise likhoon? jab straigth forward sher kehti hoon to log kehte hain thora diff. tareeqe se likho aur jab diff. likhti hoon to log kehte hain ..seedha likho..ab bataaiye aise mein main kya karoon :022:

--------------------------------
Shummu mujhey ummeed hai ke mere iss tabsare kaa buraa nahi maanaa ho gaa,
agar iss se dil.shiknee ho tau ma'zarat magar ye mukhlisaanah raa'e hai.

mukhliS
Naheed[/quote]

nahi bura nahi maaanaaa..is mein buraa maanne ki baat hi nahi..zaroori to nahi jo main likhoon woh sab ko hi samajh aa jaaye ya pasand aa jaaye isliye kabhi kabhi wazaahat karni paR jaati hai...aur woh maine ki hai..ab ummeed hai aap ko ashaar smajhne mein asaani ho gayi hogi ke main kya kehna chaah rahi thi :biggrin:

aap ki mukhlisaana raaye ki main dil se qadr karti hoon....shukriyaaaaaaaaaaaa bahut bahut

Shumaila

[Abdullah Nazir]

Azeezah
S H U M M U,

Purkhuloos Tasleemaat,

Aapki yeh ghazal bahut pasand aayi jiske liye meri dili daad aur mubaarakbaad qubool farmaayiye.

mere apnoN ka mujhee se yuN khafaa ho jaanaa
aur kia hoga mire Haq meiN buraa ho jaana

Achchaa MaTlaA hei. Doosre miSreA meiN thouRaa saa ibhaam rehgayaa hei. "aur kya houga" ke baAd "agar nahiN hei" kii kami meHsoos hourahi hei lekin baat bilkul mubham nahiN hei.

kyaa yahii hota hai anjaam-e-wafaa ho jaanaa ?!
'rote rote gham-e-furqat meiN fanaa ho jaanaa' ?!

Husn-e-maTlaA bahut achchaa hei. Waah waah.

teri qasmoN,tire waadoN ka wafaa ho jaanaa
jaise ik khwaab ka aankhoN se rihaa ho jaanaa

Yeh MaTlaA bhi bahut khoob hei. Doosre miSreA meiN "khwaab kaa aankhaoN se rihaa houjaanaa" ba'maAni "khwaab kaa pooraa houjaanaa" shayad baAZ ahl-e-sukhan ko aasaani se samajh meiN aaske.

is janam meiN na sahii duuje janam meiN milnaa
tum agar mere na ho paana,judaa ho jaanaa

Is sheAr kaa mafhoom tou yehi nikaalaa jaasaktaa hei ke jab doosre janam meiN milnaa aur mere nah hou paanaa tou judaa houjaanaa. Aap Hindi ke baAZ aise alfaaz urdu meiN isteAmal karti heiN jinkaa zikr Urdu kii lughaat meiN nahiN hei. Douje bhi aisaa hii aek lafz hei. Urdu zabaan meiN bahut sii doosri zabaaneN shaamil heiN. Is ke maAni yeh nahiN ke un zabaanaoN ke saare ke saare alfaaz isteAmaal kiye jaasakte heiN.

yuN achaanak miri dunyaa meiN tiraa aa jaanaa
jaise maangaa huaa qismat se ataa ho jaanaa

Is sheAr ke pahle miSreA meiN radeef kaa aakhiri lafz "jaanaa" maAyoob samjhaa jaataa hei. Is pahle miSreA ko yooN kiyaa jaasaktaa hei:
(yuN achaanak tiraa aajaanaa miri dunyaa meiN).

ho na ho meri duaaoN ka asar hai jaanaaN
abr-e-shaadaaN ka tiree chath pe ghanaa ho jaanaa

achcha sheAr hei. Bahut khoob.

Aye mire dushman-e-jaaN itna karam farmaanaa
jaate jaate dil-e-bismil ki dawaa ho jaanaa [/.u]

achcha sheAr hei.

baais-e-be kali ban jaaye na terii furqat
khwaab meiN hee sahi tuu jalwa numaa ho jaanaa

Pahle miSreA meiN "baaAis-e-be-kali" ki tarkeeb is liye ghalaT samjhi jaati hei kiuNke "be-kali" Hindi kaa lafz hei aur "baaAis" Arabi kaa. Is miSreA ko yooN kiyaa jaasaktaa hei:
(Talkhiy-e-zindagi ban jaaye na teri furqat)

jab bhi niklooN maiN khule sar tiri yaadeN le ker
Gham ki do pehr meiN khushyoN ki ridaa ho jaanaa

Doosre miSreA meiN lafz "do-pehr" ghalaT hei. SaHeeH lafz "do-paihar" hei yani "hey" per zabar hei. Is miSreA ko yooN kiyaa jaasaktaa hei:
(dhoop meiN gham kii tuu khushyaoN kii ridaa ho jaanaa)

gar ye taqdeer nahii hai to bataa phir kyaa hai?
mere haathoN ki lakeeroN ka likhaa ho jaanaa

SheAr kaa mafhoom adaa hourahaa hei. Theek hei.

MaiN dobaarah dili daad pesh kartaa hooN aur ummeed kartaa hooN ke aayindah bhii aapka kalaam paRhne ko miltaa rahegaa.


Aapka Mukhlis,
Nazir.

[Shummu]

Azeezah
S H U M M U,

Purkhuloos Tasleemaat,

Aapki yeh ghazal bahut pasand aayi jiske liye meri dili daad aur mubaarakbaad qubool farmaayiye.

Adaab-o-tasleemaat nazir sahab...mu'aazarat khwaah hoon der se jawaab dene ke liye magar kuch masroofiyat thi aur kuch zehni uljhan bhi jiski wajah se barwaqt jawaab na de saki......mujhe khushi hui ke aap ko ghazal pasand aayi ..shukriya daad ka

mere apnoN ka mujhee se yuN khafaa ho jaanaa
aur kia hoga mire Haq meiN buraa ho jaana

Achchaa MaTlaA hei. Doosre miSreA meiN thouRaa saa ibhaam rehgayaa hei. "aur kya houga" ke baAd "agar nahiN hei" kii kami meHsoos hourahi hei lekin baat bilkul mubham nahiN hei.

jee koshish karungi ise behtar kar sakoon....

kyaa yahii hota hai anjaam-e-wafaa ho jaanaa ?!
'rote rote gham-e-furqat meiN fanaa ho jaanaa' ?!

Husn-e-maTlaA bahut achchaa hei. Waah waah.


Sach maaniye aap ki is waah waah ne itna hausla buland kiya hai..warna to main dari hui thi ke pata nahi giraah kaisi hai


teri qasmoN,tire waadoN ka wafaa ho jaanaa
jaise ik khwaab ka aankhoN se rihaa ho jaanaa

Yeh MaTlaA bhi bahut khoob hei. Doosre miSreA meiN "khwaab kaa aankhaoN se rihaa houjaanaa" ba'maAni "khwaab kaa pooraa houjaanaa" shayad baAZ ahl-e-sukhan ko aasaani se samajh meiN aaske.

jee aapne bajaa farmaaya...sab se zyaada logon ko isi sher pe aiteraaz hai..magar mujhe khushi hui keh aapne ise sahi samjha...

is janam meiN na sahii duuje janam meiN milnaa
tum agar mere na ho paana,judaa ho jaanaa

Is sheAr kaa mafhoom tou yehi nikaalaa jaasaktaa hei ke jab doosre janam meiN milnaa aur mere nah hou paanaa tou judaa houjaanaa. Aap Hindi ke baAZ aise alfaaz urdu meiN isteAmal karti heiN jinkaa zikr Urdu kii lughaat meiN nahiN hei. Douje bhi aisaa hii aek lafz hei. Urdu zabaan meiN bahut sii doosri zabaaneN shaamil heiN. Is ke maAni yeh nahiN ke un zabaanaoN ke saare ke saare alfaaz isteAmaal kiye jaasakte heiN.



yuN achaanak miri dunyaa meiN tiraa aa jaanaa
jaise maangaa huaa qismat se ataa ho jaanaa

Is sheAr ke pahle miSreA meiN radeef kaa aakhiri lafz "jaanaa" maAyoob samjhaa jaataa hei. Is pahle miSreA ko yooN kiyaa jaasaktaa hei:
(yuN achaanak tiraa aajaanaa miri dunyaa meiN).

jee mujhe iska ilm hai magar is sher ko iski asl soorat mein hi logon ne bahut pasand farmaaya aur saraaha hai isliye socxhti hoon ise aise hi rehne doon

ho na ho meri duaaoN ka asar hai jaanaaN
abr-e-shaadaaN ka tiree chath pe ghanaa ho jaanaa

achcha sheAr hei. Bahut khoob.

shukriya...soch rahi hoon.....pehle misre mein 'teri' kar doon aur doosre mein 'meri'

Aye mire dushman-e-jaaN itna karam farmaanaa
jaate jaate dil-e-bismil ki dawaa ho jaanaa [/.u]

achcha sheAr hei.

nawaazish 8)

baais-e-be kali ban jaaye na terii furqat
khwaab meiN hee sahi tuu jalwa numaa ho jaanaa

Pahle miSreA meiN "baaAis-e-be-kali" ki tarkeeb is liye ghalaT samjhi jaati hei kiuNke "be-kali" Hindi kaa lafz hei aur "baaAis" Arabi kaa. Is miSreA ko yooN kiyaa jaasaktaa hei:
(Talkhiy-e-zindagi ban jaaye na teri furqat)

wah achchi tajweez hai..main ise badal dungi...shukriya

jab bhi niklooN maiN khule sar tiri yaadeN le ker
Gham ki do pehr meiN khushyoN ki ridaa ho jaanaa

Doosre miSreA meiN lafz "do-pehr" ghalaT hei. SaHeeH lafz "do-paihar" hei yani "hey" per zabar hei. Is miSreA ko yooN kiyaa jaasaktaa hei:
(dhoop meiN gham kii tuu khushyaoN kii ridaa ho jaanaa)

oho main is lafz ko leke bahut confused thi...aur dekhiye wahi hua..maine ghalat baandh diya...main tasheeh kar lungi....inshallah

gar ye taqdeer nahii hai to bataa phir kyaa hai?
mere haathoN ki lakeeroN ka likhaa ho jaanaa

SheAr kaa mafhoom adaa hourahaa hei. Theek hei.

theek

MaiN dobaarah dili daad pesh kartaa hooN aur ummeed kartaa hooN ke aayindah bhii aapka kalaam paRhne ko miltaa rahegaa.


Aapka Mukhlis,
Nazir.

Dili daad pesh karne ka aur meri ghaltiyon ki nishaandehi farmaane ka behad shukriya ek dafaa phir


Shumaila