Ghazal: Tiraa bas tegh-e-zaalim

[Munawwar]

Yaaraan-e-bazm,
Kucch nayaa kehne kee ijaazat chaahtaa huN. Har kalaam ki taraH, iskee bhee apne fikr-o-khayaal se nawaazish keejiyega. Kuchh ghamgeeN soorat kee ghazal hai, jo pichhle dinoN ke kucch HaadsoN ka asar hai.

Arz hai,

Tiraa bas, tegh-e-zaalim aaj chal jaaye to achhaa ho

tiraa bas, tegh-e-zaalim, aaj chal jaaye to achhaa ho
dam aTkaa hai jo seene meN nikal jaaye to achhaa ho

hazaaroN aashiqoN ke dil paRe haiN raah meN yaaN waaN
wahaaN jaate hu'e naadaaN, sambhal jaaye to achhaa ho

ye kyaa har pal dhaRaknaa yooN ke shaakh-e-khushk kaa ghisnaa
dil ik pal meN tamaashaa ban ke jal jaaye to achhaa ho

jo roke paasbaaN unkaa, kahooN kuchh taa wo pahchaane
ke unke kaanoN tak meree ghazal jaaye to achhaa ho

hai jeenaa gharq ho jaanaa nadaamat ke samandar meN
balaa hai zindagee meree, jo Tal jaaye to achhaa ho

bayaaN karne ko Haal-e-dil bas ik shab hee bahut hamko
wo ghaafil aaj aaye aur kal jaaye to achhaa ho

"Munawwar" naam hai meraa, maiN hooN ek aadmee achhaa
miree suHbat ka jaadoo unpe chal jaaye to achhaa ho!
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Bas dostoN, aapke khayaalaat kaa muntazir,

aapkaa khaadim,
Bhaswar Dasgupta "Munawwar"

[Abdullah Nazir]

MuHtarami o Azeezi
Munawwar SaaHib,[/u[

PurkhulooS Tasleemaat,

Ummeed hei ke ab aapke Haalaat sanbhal gaye hounge.
Aapki ghazal paRhkar bahut khushi houi jiske liye meri dili daad aur mubaarakbaad qubool farmaayiye.

MULAAHIZAAT:

tiraa bas tegh-e-zaalim, aaj chal jaaye to achhaa ho
dam aTkaa hai jo seene meN nikal jaaye to achhaa ho

MaTleA ke pahle miSreA meiN aap ne lafz "tegh" ko muzakkar isteAmaal kiyaa hei jo daraSl muannac hei. Is liye tiraa ke bajaaye "tiri" kardeejiye.
MaTlaA bahut hi achchaa hei waah waah.

hazaaroN aashiqoN ke dil paRe haiN raah meN yaaN waaN
wahaaN jaate hu'e naadaaN, sambhal jaaye to achhaa ho

Achcha sheAr hei, waah waah.

saHar kee gham gusaaree hai ke poNchhe hai namee shab kee
meree aaNkheN bhi ghuNchoN meN badal jaaye to achhaa ho

Is sheAr meiN pecheedagi hei. Ibarat ke liHaaz se bhi aur maAnavi liHaaz se bhi.
Doosre miSreA meiN ibaarat ghalaT houjaarahi hei. Ibaarat to yooN houni chaahiye:
(miri aankhaeN bhi ghunchaoN meiN badal jaayeN to achcha ho) jo zameen ke liHaaz se ghalaT houjaayegi. Pahle miSreA meiN "nami shab ki" ibhaam paidaa karrahi hei. Housaktaa hei ke aap shabnam ki Taraf ishaarah karnaa chaahte houN jiski vaZaaHut nahiN hourahi hei. Is liye behtar hei ke is sheAr per aap nazar-e-caani farmaaleN.

ye kyaa har pal dhaRaknaa yooN ke shaakh-e-khushk kaa ghisnaa
dil ik pal meN tamaashaa ban ke jal jaaye to achhaa ho

achcha sheAr hei. Doosre miSreA meiN "tamaasha ban ke" kii jagah koii behtar alfaaz houN to luTf dobaalaah houjaayegaa. Waah waah.

jo roke paasbaaN unkaa, kahooN kuchh taa wo pahchaane
ke unke kaanoN tak meree ghazal jaaye to achhaa ho

SheAr kaa mafhoom achcha hei. Bahut khoob.

hai jeenaa gharq ho jaanaa nadaamat ke samandar meN
balaa hai zindagee meree, jo Tal jaaye to achhaa ho

Bahut hi pur acar sheAr hei. Waah waah.

bayaaN karne ko Haal-e-dil bas ik shab hee bahut hamko
wo ghaafil aaj aaye aur kal jaaye to achhaa ho

Achcha sheAr hei.

"Munawwar" naam hai meraa, maiN hooN ek aadmee achhaa
miree suHbat ka jaadoo unpe chal jaaye to achhaa ho

Achcha maqTaA hei. Waah waah.

Note: Meri aaraa se aapka mutaafiq hounaa zaroori nahiN hei.


Aapka MukhliS,
Nazir.

[Munawwar]

Nazir Saahab,

tiraa bas tegh-e-zaalim, aaj chal jaaye to achhaa ho
dam aTkaa hai jo seene meN nikal jaaye to achhaa ho

MaTleA ke pahle miSreA meiN aap ne lafz "tegh" ko muzakkar isteAmaal kiyaa hei jo daraSl muannac hei. Is liye tiraa ke bajaaye "tiri" kardeejiye.
MaTlaA bahut hi achchaa hei waah waah.

Awwal to ghazal paRhne ke liye aur khair khwaahish ke liye aapkaa shukriyah. pehlaa sher maiN tegh se mukhaatib hokar kah rahaa hooN ke teraa bas chal jaaye to achha ho. "Bas" to mere khayaal meN muzakkar hai. Kyaa meraa yuN sochnaa zabaanee taur pe ghalat hai?

saHar kee gham gusaaree hai ke poNchhe hai namee shab kee
meree aaNkheN bhi ghuNchoN meN badal jaaye to achhaa ho

Jee haaN, ye sher khaam rah gayaa thaa. Abhi to ise haTaa diyaa hai, koii behtar shakl zehn meN ban jaaye to mazeed darj kar dooNgaa. Nishaan dehee karne kaa shukriya. Aap ne bahut see achhee baateN kaheeN hai meree ghazal ke liye. MaiN aapkaa mamnoon hooN,

Aapkaa khaadim,
Munawwar

[Abdullah Nazir]

MuHtarami o Azeezi
Munawwar SaaHib,

PurkhulooS Tasleemaat,

Aapke maTleA kaa mafhoom samajh meiN aagayaa hei. Agar usko aap yhooN likhdete to ghalaTfehmi ki gunjaaish nahiN rehti:

tiraa bas, tegh-e-zaalim, aaj chal jaaye to achhaa ho
dam aTkaa hai jo seene meN nikal jaaye to achhaa ho

Jee aapkaa maTlah bahut hi achchaa hei.


Aapka MukhliS,
Nazir.

[Sarwar A. Raz]

muHibbee Munawwar SaaHeb: namaskaar!

maiN ne aap ko aur aap kee Ghazal ko meHfil meN dekh` liyaa th`aa. yehee sochtaa rahaa keh Ghazal par likh`ooN gaa to Khush-aamadeed bh`ee keh dooN gaa. lekin buraa ho is maSroofiyat kaa keh muhlat milee to aaj milee hai. ma'Z^irat-Khwaah hooN.

aap kee GhazaloN se z^aahir hotaa hai keh aap bohat soch kar maZ^aameen baaNdh`te haiN. aap kaa shauq aur meHnat laa,iq-e-daad haiN. mushkil is meN Sirf yeh hai keh ba'Z^ auqaat jo ma'nee Zehn meN hote haiN woh tamaam-o-kamaal adaa naheeN ho paate haiN yaa agar kam-o-besh adaa hoN to bayaan ulajh` saktaa hai. aisaa hee is Ghazal ke saath` bh`ee pesh aayaa hai. mujh` ko yaqeen hai keh mashq ke saath` yeh kamee pooree ho jaaYe gee.
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tiraa bas tegh-e-zaalim, aaj chal jaaye to achhaa ho
dam aTkaa hai jo seene meN nikal jaaye to achhaa ho

aap :teGh: ke :bas: (t^aaqat, iKhtiyaar) kee baat keh rahe haiN lekin dekh`iYe keh Nazir SaaHeb ne is ko ba-ma'nee :kaafee: samjh`aa hai kyoN.k aap ke bayaan meN ta'qeed hai ya'nee alfaaz^ apnee fit^ree tarteeb se yooN alag ho gaYe haiN keh iltibaas-o-ibhaam kee Soorat paidaa ho gayee hai. doosraa miSra' bohat dilkash hai. she'r kee ek shakl yooN mumkin hai:

tiraa teer-e-naz^ar gar aaj chal jaaYe----------
dam aTkaa-----------------
--------------------------------
hazaaroN aashiqoN ke dil paRe haiN raah meN yaaN waaN
wahaaN jaate hu'e naadaaN, sambhal jaaye to achhaa ho

ek to :yaaN waaN: bh`alaa naheeN lagtaa hai aur doosre :naadaaN: achh`aa naheeN lagaa. yooN socheN?

hazaaroN a'ashiqoN ke dil paRe haiN raah-e-ulfat meN
qadam rakh`te huwe too waaN saNbh`al-------------
----------------------------------
saHar kee gham gusaaree hai ke poNchhe hai namee shab kee
meree aaNkheN bhi ghuNchoN meN badal jaaye to achhaa ho

yeh she'r apne ma'nee meN bohat ulajh` gayaa hai. shaayad aap kaa ishaarah :shabnam: kee jaanib hai. doosre yeh keh :aaNkheN: ke saath` :jaaYeN: honaa chaahiYe nah keh :jaaYe:! so yooN keh sakte haiN:

saHar kee Gham-gusaaree ne guloN kee god bh`ar dee hai
yeh miree aaNkh bh`ee Ghuncheh meN Dh`al jaaYe-----------
-------------------------
ye kyaa har pal dhaRaknaa yooN ke shaakh-e-khushk kaa ghisnaa
dil ik pal meN tamaashaa ban ke jal jaaye to achhaa ho

gustaaKhee mu,a'af! yeh meree samajh` meN naheeN aayaa. pehlaa miSra' ek mu,a'mmah hee rahaa. aap tashreeH kar deN to behtar ho gaa.
------------------------------------
jo roke paasbaaN unkaa, kahooN kuchh taa wo pahchaane
ke unke kaanoN tak meree ghazal jaaye to achhaa ho

yahaaN bh`ee ma'nee to achh`e haiN lekin bunat bohat uljh`ee huyee aur kamzor lagee. ek shakl yeh mumkin hai. doosree aap socheN!:

jo roke paasbaaN us kaa to Haal-e-dil kahooN aise
keh us kee bazm tak meree ---------------
-----------------------------------
hai jeenaa gharq ho jaanaa nadaamat ke samandar meN
balaa hai zindagee meree, jo Tal jaaye to achhaa ho

hai-----> yeh
ho jaanaa-----------> rehnaa hai?
-----------------------------
bayaaN karne ko Haal-e-dil bas ik shab hee bahut hamko
wo ghaafil aaj aaye aur kal jaaye to achhaa ho

bas ik shab hee bahut hamko -----------> bohat hai ek shab ham ko
wo ghaafil ------> agar too

dekh`eN keh koyee farq huwaa?
------------------------
"Munawwar" naam hai meraa, maiN hooN ek aadmee achhaa
miree suHbat ka jaadoo unpe chal jaaye to achhaa ho!

:SuHbat: to qareebee ta,a'lluq ko kehte haiN. so is ko :ulfat: kar deN?
=====================
ummeed hai keh meree baatoN se kuch` madad milee ho gee.

Sarwar A. Raz "Sarwar"

[Munawwar]

Janaab Sarwar Saahab,

Ajee apnee apnee masroofiyat hi hameN roke rakhtee hai, wagarnah ham din bhar bazm meN paRe rahte... :)

Aapkaa bahut bahut shukriyah, ke aapne ghazal paRhee aur uski behtaree keliye apne tajaaweez bhee diye. Mujhe ta'ajjub hai ke aapne is ghazal ki jis shakl kee tashreeH kee, woh dar asl puraani shakl hai. Nayee shakl meN maiN ne "sahar ki gham gusaari" waala sher nikaal diyaa hai. aur kucch tabdeeliyaaN bhi kee hai. matle kii puraani shakl :
"tiraa bas tegh-e-........."


aur nayee shakl hai:
"tiraa bas, tegh-e-........."

Ek comma(,) kaa farq hai. Comma ke Daalte hi maaloom paR jaataa hai ke maiN matla tegh-e-zaalim se mukhaatib hokar kah rahaa huN. Janaab Nazir Saahab ne is shakl ko durust kahaa hai.

Aapke maTleA kaa mafhoom samajh meiN aagayaa hei. Agar usko aap yhooN likhdete to ghalaTfehmi ki gunjaaish nahiN rehti:

tiraa bas, tegh-e-zaalim, aaj chal jaaye to achhaa ho
dam aTkaa hai jo seene meN nikal jaaye to achhaa ho

Jee aapkaa maTlah bahut hi achchaa hei.


Aapka MukhliS,
Nazir.

Tahreer meN Comma aur bayaan-e-zubaanee meN waqfah rahtaa hai to ibhaam paidah naheeN hote. :)

Matle kee jo shakl aapne tajweez kee hai, beshak acchee hai par mere khayaal ko bayaaN naheeN kartee hai. Shaayar maashuq se zakhm-e-teer-e-nigaah-e-ulfat naheeN balke zaalim duniyaa se zakhm-e-tegh kee guzaarish kar rahaa hai. Wo maayoos hai, aur taalib-e-marg hai, taalib-e-ulfat naheeN.

ye kyaa har pal dhaRaknaa yuN ke shaaKh-e-khushk kaa ghisnaa..

Jee maiN kah rahaa huN ke dil yuN dhaRak rahaa ke jaise sookhee DaaleN ghis raheeN ho. Kisee bhee waqt aag lag saktee hai, maiN us pal ke intezaar meiN saaNs roke rahtaa huN, lekin wo pal naheeN aataa. Besabr hokar shaayar kah rahaa hai bahut dhaRaknaa (Daal ka ghisnaa) hu'aa; ab tamaashaa ban ke jal jaao, mujhe is suspense se mukt karo.

Baaqi jo mashware aap ne diye haiN, wo durust haiN, aur maiN unheN apnee copy meN Daal rahaa huN, behtaree ke mumkin iqdaamaat ke taur par. Aapkaa mazeed shukriyah kartaa huN, aur abhee zaatee masroofiyat ke silsiloN meN phir se ulajh jaane kee ijaazat chaahtaa huN :)

Aapkaa mamnoon,
Bhaswar Dasgupta "Munawwar"