ghazal muskura ke seh loonga men jahaan ke patthar

[khozema husaini]

hazreen e mehfil

apni tazah ghazal ke chand ashAar aap ki KHidmat men pesh kar raha hoon aur ummeed karta hoon aap apni aara se nawaaz ka mamnoon farmayenge
shukriyah
Husaini

ghazal
muskura ke seh loonga meN jahaan ke patthar
tum nah maarna lekin tanz o taAn ke patthar

be nishaan zaKHmoN ne KHoon har ghaRi ugla
choT de gaye aisi kuchh zabaan ke patthar

irteqaa koi dekhe bangaye heN ab heere
gosh e yaar tak ponhche heN yeh kaan ke patthar

Aam raah par us ne baaGh aam ka boya
aa rahe heN HiSSe meN baaGHbaan ke patthar

umr bhar gurazaaN thay meri zindagani se
ab leHad pe rakhte ho kiyun nishaan ke patthar

izn se mujhe unke boo e sazish aati hai
mujh pe aayenge shayad mezbaan ke patthar

daastaN husaini jab chheRte heN aangan meN
nouHah KHwaaN nazar aate heN makaan ke patthar

Husaini Khandwi

[Abdullah Nazir]

MuHtarami o Azeezi
Khozema Husaini SaaHib,

PurkhulooS Tasleemaat,

Aapki ghazal bahut pasand aayi jiske liye meri dili daad aur mubaarakbaad qubool farmaayiye.

MULAAHIZAAT:

muskura ke seh loonga meN jahaan ke patthar
tum nah maarna lekin tanz o taAn ke patthar

Achcha maTlaA hei bahut khoob.

qitAa
sang e turbat e GHurbaa la patah huye lekin
qasr ban gaye gor e ahl e shaan ke patthar

Ghazal meiN jab qiTAa-band ashAar shurooA kiye jaate heiN to qiTAe ke ikhtitaam kaa bhi zikr hounaa chaahiye.
Lafz "ghareeb" ki jamA kaa Seghah "ghuraba" hei jo bilkul SaHeeH hei lekin bahut kam isteAmaal houtaa hei. Is lafz meiN Harf "ghain" per pesh hei, "ray" per zabar hei aur "be" per zabar hei. Taskeen-e-ausaT ke qaaAide se teen mutaHarrik HarfaoN ke beech ke Harf "ray" per jazm lagaakar saakin kardiyaa jaaye to "ghurbaa" kehnaa bilkul SaHeeH hei.
SheAr achchaa hei lekin mazmoon bahut kamzour hei.

khoob yeh diya sheh ne ajr e husn e taajmahal
heN gawaah tashaddud ki daastaan ke patthar

Aapki beHr hei "faa'ilun….mufaa'eelun…faa'ilun…mufaa'eelun"
Is liya aapkea yeh sheAr be-beHr hougayaa hei.
"Khoob yeh diyaa sheh ne" = faa'ilun…mufaa'eelun
"ajr e husn e taajmahal" = faa'ilaatun…mufta'ilun
doosre miSreA meiN bhi lafz "gawaah" ko gawaa nahiN keh sakte. Is liye aap is sheAr ko dobaarah likhne ke koushish kareN.

hoti taqat e guftaar to poochhte bureedah dast
kis ghaRi chhuye hum ne shahjahaan ke patthar

yeh sheAr bhi be-beHr hougayaa hei. Zaroorat hei ke aap apni beHr ko nazar meiN rakhte houe saare ashAar kaa jaayizah leN.

be nishaan zaKHmoN ne KHoon har ghaRi ugla
choT de gaye aisi kuchh zabaan ke patthar

yeh sheAr beHr meiN hei aur achcha hei.

maang men sitaroN se aap ki bharoon lekin
gul pe kistarah rakhdooN aasmaan ke patthar

SheAr beHr meiN hei lekin mazmoon caqeel hougayaa hei. sitaaraoN se maang bharne ko kisi per aasmaan ke patthar gul per = meHboob ke sar per rakhen se mushaabihat paida karnaa Theek nahiN maAloom houtaa.

irteqaa koi dekhe bangaye heN ab heere
gosh e yaar tak ponhche heN yeh kaan ke patthar

SheAr vazn meiN hei. Mafhoom saHeeH hei agar is meiN "kaan" ke patthar samajh sakeN tou. Khoob.

Aam raah par us ne baaGh aam ka boya
aa rahe heN HiSSe meN baaGHbaan ke patthar

SheAr vazn meiN hei.

zaat se miri tum ne umr bhar kiya parhaiz
ab leHad pe rakhte ho kiyun nishaan ke patthar

Pahle miSreA ko yooN kardeN to behtar bhi houjaaegaaaur lafz "parhaiz" ke haT jaane se rawaani bhi behtar houjaayegi:
umr bhar gurezaaN thay meri zindagaani se

izn se mujhe unke aati hai boo e sazish
muntazar nah hoon mere mezbaan ke patthar

pahle miSreA ko yooN kardeN to alif kaa dabnaa wawo ke dabne se behtar caabit hougaa:
izn se mujhe unke, boo e saazish aati hei
doosra miSraA bhi agar yooN houjaaye to behtar hei:
mujh per aayenge shayad mezbaan ke patthar

daastaN husaini jab chhRte heN aangan meN
chashm e nam nazar aate heN makaan ke patthar

maqTaA vazn meiN hei aur mafhoom bhi adaa hourahaa hei lekin meri nazar meiN "chashm-e-nam" ko badal kar "nauHah khwaaN" kerdeejiye to mafhoom aur ziyaadah vaaZeH houjaayegaa.
Note: aapko aazaadi hei keh jahaaN jahaaN aap samajhte heiN ke aapke alfaaz meiN mafhoom vaaZeH houraha hei usko waisaa hi rakhkheN. Mazeed yeh meri raaye qaabil-e-rujooA bhi hei aur bilkul mustarad bhi kii jaasakti hei.


Aapka MukhliS,
Nazir.

[khozema husaini]

mohtaram nazir saheb
aadaab o tasleemaat
aap ki rahnumai aur hoSlah afzaaii ka bohat bohat shukriyah
Husaini