Ghazal Nazr e Saani ke baad...shiyaar aNkhoN mai

[Mahtab Qadr]

Aik bilkul taaza ghazal Sarwar Sahib ki ghazal parh kar usi zameen mai kahne ki jasarat ki hai, nazr e saani ke baad pesh e khidmat hai,aara ka muntazir hoN .

jafaa ka dard wafa ka shiyaar aNkhoN mai
huve haiN dil ke sabhi kaarobar aNkhoN mai

ye kah rahi haiN teri surkh malgaji aNKheiN
simat ke aaya hai dil kaa ghubaar aNkhoN mai

mai ghar mai tha to koi poochta na tha mujhko
jo ghar se nikla to khatka hazaar aNkhoN mai

ham apni zaat ke sood o ziyaaN mai haiN mahsoor
ksi ka gham hai kahaaN ashkbaar aNkhoN mai

basaaratoN ko jo de day baseeratoN ka hunar
vo noor de meray parwardigaar aNkhoN mai

Mahtab

[Anmol]

Aadaab, Mahtab SaaHib!

wafa jafaa ke mile sab shiyaar aNkhoN mai
huve haiN dil ke sabhi kaarobar aNkhoN mai

She'r achchha hai lekin 'Wafa jafa' kuchh Khaas jach nahiiN raha.

ye kah rahi haiN teri surkh o malgaji aNKheiN
simat ke aagaya dil kaa ghubaar aNkhoN mai

Teri>>> tiree.

Bohot Khoob she'r hai.

mai ghar mai tha to koi poochta na tha mujhko
mai ghar se nikla to khatka hazaar aNkhoN mai

Pehle miSre meiN pehle "mai" ko "maiN" aur doosre wale ko "meiN" likheN to munaasib rahega.

:D Waise muaaf kijiye ga, hai to dukh bharaa she'r, mujhe jaane kyooN isey paRh kar bohot lutf aaya. Aap ka andaaz bohot Khoob hai. 8)
Waise kya Khayaal hai agar aap "maiN" ki takraar na kareN aur doosre miSre meiN "jo ghar se nikla" kar leN? Ya phir pehle miSre meiN "jab ghar meiN" kar leN. :???:

abhi to us ne zamaany kahaN se dekha hai
abhi to kuch bhi nahi honihaar aNkhoN mai

Bohot Khoob. 8)

ham apni zaat ke sood o ziyaaN mai haiN mahsoor
ksi ka gham hai kahaaN ashkbaar aNkhoN mai

To kya sirf apna Ghum hai? DoosroN ka koi eHsaas nahiN? Mazaq bartaraf, ye she'r bhi Khoob raha.

basaaratoN ko jo de day baseeratoN ka hunar
vo noor de meray parwardigaar aNkhoN mai

Mere>>mire

Ameen, bohot Khoob she'r hai.

Mahtaab SaaHib, aap ki ghazal bohot Khoob hai, mujhe dil-o-jaan se pasand aayi, isi liye kuchh tajaveez bhi zehen meiN aa gayeeN. Meri gustaaKhi ko muaaf kijiye ga, choTe muNh se ....

Mahtab

[Anmol]

abhi to us ne zamaana kahaaN se dekha hai
abhi to kuch bhi nahi honihaar aNkhoN maiN

Mahtaab SaaHib,

Urdu duniya per Muzaffar Saahib se hue tabaadla-e-Khayaal ke baad aik tajveez dena chaahti huuN. UnhoN ne "zamaana kahaaN se dekha" per aiteraaz kia hai, aur she'r meiN shaturgurba ka bhi shubha zaahir kia hai.

Mere khayaal se to "us" se yahaaN shaayir ki meHbooba muraad hai, ya jis ki aankhoN me baare meiN baat ho rahi hai woh. Agar aisa hai to, yuuN bhi kahaa jaa sakta hai:

Abhi to us ne zamaane meiN kuchh nahiN dekha
abhi to kuchh bhi nahiN honihaar aNkhoN maiN

"us' se muraad "aankheN" nahiiN hai, lekin agar aisa hai? to aik tajveez mere zehn meiN aayi hai,

Abhi inhoN ne zamaane meiN kuchh nahiN dekha
abhi to kuch bhi nahi honihaar aNkhoN mai

Dekhiye, maiNe "kahaaN se dekha" ka bhi ilaaj tajveez kar dia hai. Dekhte haiN ye nusKhaa kaam aata hai k nahiN?

[Mahtab Qadr]

sab se pahle ye batadoN ke ye ghazal online kahi gai thi jab Sarwar Raz sahib ki ghazal parhi to Comp. par hi baithe huve likh maari thi , aur mai chahta bhi yahi tha ke kuch sakht tanqeedeiN aaiN is par islye bila nazr e saani ke post kardi ghazal. isay aap uzr e lang bhi samajh sakti ahiN. ya naach na aaye aNgan Terha bhi kah sakti haiN

chaliye ab ghazal ki taraf aate haiN.

wafa , jafa agar sirf jach nahi raha hai to koi baat nahi , agar koi technical masala ho to tabdeel kia jasakta tha.

dosre sher teri ya tiree ka masala roman mai likhne ke andaaz se mutalleq hai warna urdu script mai wahi hota jo hona chaihiye , darasl roman mai mukhtalif log alag alag andaaz se samajhte aur likhte haiN islye aapki baat samajhte huve mai is ko koi ghalati nahi samajhta.

mai maiN ka bhi wahi roman wala masala hai. albatta aapne jo dosre misre mai mashwara dia hia ke jo ghar se nikla to khatka hazaar aNkhoN mai , mujhe acha laga shukria

mamnoon o mashkoor
Mahtab Qadr

[Mahtab Qadr]

Ghazal nazr e saani ke baad tarameem ke sath pesh e khidmat hai. mulahiza farmaiye.
shukria
Mahtab

[Abdullah Nazir]

MuHtarami
Mahtab Qadr SaaHib,

PurkhulooS Tasleemaat,

Aapki ghazal per aaj hee nazar paRi jiske liye meri dili daad aur mubaarakbad qubool farmaayiye.

MULAHIZAAT:

jafaa ka dard wafa ka shiyaar aNkhoN mai
huve haiN dil ke sabhi kaarobar aNkhoN mai

Achcha tou aap is maTleA meiN "jafaa kaa dard" aur wafaa kaa shiAaar" ko dil ke kaarobaar meiN shaamil samajhrahe heiN. Meri nazar meiN "dil kaa kaarobaar" bahut uljhi houee taAbeer hei.

ye kah rahi haiN teri surkh malgaji aNKheiN
simat ke aaya hai dil kaa ghubaar aNkhoN mai

Waah waah, bahut khoob.

mai ghar mai tha to koi poochta na tha mujhko
jo ghar se nikla to khatka hazaar aNkhoN mai

Achcha sheAr hei, waah waah.

ham apni zaat ke sood o ziyaaN mai haiN mahsoor
ksi ka gham hai kahaaN ashkbaar aNkhoN mai

Pahle miSreA meiN "apni zaat ke sood o ziyaaN meiN heiN mash'hoor hounaa" kee tashreeH yeh housakti hei ke apne shakhSi faayideh aur ghaaTe meiN mash'hoor heiN. YaAni jab bhee koii faayidah houta hei tou us meiN koii aisi anoukhi baat houti hei ke mash'hoor houjaate heiN aur jab bhee koii ghaaTaa houtaa hei tou us meiN bhii koii aisi baat houti hei ke mash'hoor houjaate heiN. Ab is baat se doosre miSreA meiN "kisi kaa gham hei kahaaN aashkaar aankhaoN meiN" se taAalluq samajhne meiN mushkil pesh aayi hei.

basaaratoN ko jo de day baseeratoN ka hunar
vo noor de meray parwardigaar aNkhoN mai

Waah waah bahut khoob.

Apne tabSirah meiN jin baataoN kaa maiN ne zikr kiyaa hei wo meri apni nazar kee Had tak heiN. Housaktaa hei ke maiN fikr kee gehraayi tak nah pahunch sakaa.

Note: ham apni zaat ke sood o ziyaaN mai haiN mahsoor
ksi ka gham hai kahaaN ashkbaar aNkhoN mai
lafz "meHSoor" ko maiN ne ghalaTi se "mash'hoor" paRhaa jiske liye maAziratkhwaah hooN.




Aapka MukhliS,
Nazir.

[Mahtab Qadr]

Mohatram Abdullah bhai , Salaam e masnoon
Aapki mohabbatoN ka mai pahle hi mushtaq o muatarif hoN. aap ne meri aik choti si koshish par apni raye se nawaaza aur daad di , mai behad mamnoon hoN aapka.
Aap ne sahi farmaaya ke dil ka kaarobaar bahut uljhi huvi shaye hai, jafa ka dard bhi mazeed uljha dene wala hota hai ,aur wafa ka shyaar bhi aNKhoN se umooman zahoor pazeer hota hai isi lye ye arz kia hai.

Ham apni zaat ke sood o ziaaN mai haiN mahsoor , mahsoor dar asl hisaar se lia hai , shayed aap ne mashoor samjha ho, jo saher se hai, saherzada hone ke manoN mai . hisaar qaid waghaira ke maanoN mai lia hai mai ne , agar ab bhi koi muzaiqa ho to bata dijiye mai nazr e saani kar loNga.
shukria
niazmand
Mahtab

[Abdullah Nazir]

[size-18]
MuHtarami
Mahtab Qadr SaaHib,

aadaab o niyaaz,

Aapkaa mandarja-e-zeil sheAr paRhne meiN mujh se ghalaTi houee:

ham apni zaat ke sood o ziyaaN mai haiN mahsoor
ksi ka gham hai kahaaN ashkbaar aNkhoN mai

MaiN ne "meHSoor" ko "mash'hoor" paRhaa jiske liye maAziratkhwaah hooN. Is TaraH sheAr vaaZeH houjaataa hei ke ham in HadaoN meiN meHSoor hougaye heiN jiski fajh se kisi kaa gha hamaari aankhaoN se aashkaa nahiN housaktaa. Shukriyah.l


Aapka MukhliS,
Nazir.
[/size]

[Mahtab Qadr]

Behad Shukria Abdullah bhai , aap ki qeemti aara mere lye hamesha mishal e raah rahi haiN ,
shukria
Niazmand

Mahtab

[Mahtab Qadr]

bahut shukria , aapka bhi ke aapne ghazal ko saraha aur waqai sarwar sahib ka shukria ke un ki ghazal ke sabab sab aNkheiN dikhnaane lage, phir aapne meri aNKheiN nahi dekheiN to mera kia qusoor.