tumaare dhayaan ke sooraj

Post by **naheedv** » Sat Feb 19, 2005 1:38 pm

aadaab,

aik adna see koshish le kar haazir huee hooN.
hamesha kee tarah aap kee raa'e kaa intezaar rahe gaa.

mukhliS
Naheed

Abdullah Nazir · Post by **Abdullah Nazir** » Sat Feb 19, 2005 7:41 pm

MuHtaramah
NAHEED-V Saahibah,

Purkhuloos Tasleemaat,

Aapki khoobsoorat ghazal paRhkar bahut khushi houi jiske liye meri dili daad aur mubaarakbaad qubool farmaayiye. Apna tabsirah paish karne se pahle ye kehnaa chaahtaa hooN ke aapka meri raaye se muttafiq hounaa zaroori nahiN hei.

1)Tire dhyaan ke sooraj bujhe bujhe kyooN heiN
Yeh chaar samt andheraoN ke silsile kyooN heiN

Waah waah bahut khoob maTlaA hei. Mujhe behad pasand aayaa lekin lafz "dhyaan" ko paRhne meiN mushkil paish aaraahi hei kiyoonkeh usko ham "dhiyaan" nahiN paRh sakte jo colloquial zubaan hei. Is misreA kii doosri soorat yeh housakti hei:
a)Tire khayaal ke sooraj bujhe bujhe kyooN heiN
Ya phir:
b)Tumhaari yaad ke sooraj bujhe bujhe kyooN heiN

2)FaZaa meiN mere bikharne k' maihak tak nahi hei
Hawaa ke phool hise sirf' raabiTe kyooN heiN

Agar ghaur o fikr nah kareN tou pahlaa misraA yooN meHsoos houtaa hei ke vazn meiN nahiN hei. Iski wajah bahut se Huroof kaa girnaa hei:
FaZaa m'merebikhrne k'maihak tak nahi'hei.
Bajaye iske agar koiee rawaaN misraA keh sakeN tou behtar hougaa.
Doosra misraA theek hei.

3)MaiN' tere'khwaab se baahar nikal chuki'hooN tou phir
Yeh jaa bajaa tiri yaadaoN ke Haashiye kyooN heiN.

Bahut khoob Naheed Saahibah. Aap ne tou mujhe bhii jhoomne per majboor kardiyaa. Waaqaiee bahut hii dilkash sheAr hei.

4)MaiN tere sang tou raushan safar pah nikli thii
Yeh chaar samt andheraoN ke silsile kyooN heiN

Yeh bhii achcha sheAr hei lekin is meiN doosraa misraA vohi hei jou aap ne apne matleA meiN isteAmaal kiyaa hei.

5)Kaiee dinaoN se tiri raushni nahiN utrii
Tire dhyaan ke sooraj bujhe bujhe kyooN heiN

Is sheAr meiN bhii doosre sheAr kaa doosraa misraA mukarrar aayaa hei. Iski doosri soorataoN ke baare meiN izhaar-e-khayaal karchukaa hooN.

6)Nah faasile hi ghaTe heiN nah manzileN mili heiN
JuRe houe mire pairaoN se raaste kyooN heiN.

Behtar hougaa ke aap pahle misreA ko yooN kardeN:
(Nah faasile hi ghaTe heiN nah manzileN hi mili)
Yeh sheAr bhii bahut achchaa hei.

7)MaiN paaniyaoN pah bhalaa kab talak chalooN aakhir
Saraab reit ke daryaa hii saamne kyooN heiN

Is sheAr ka khayaal bhi bahut achcha hei. Waah waah. Saraab reiT kii hindi tarkeeb bhii khoob hei jaise "phool baagh",

8)LabaoN pah tark-e-rafaaqat ke tazkire heiN agar
Tou tere dil ke mire dil se raabiTe kyooN heiN

Yeh sheAr bhii laajavaab hei Naheed Saahibah. Is beHr mein jab ham "to'tere" paRhte heiN tou tanaafur-e-lafzi paidaa houtaa hei. Yani herf "t" jaise mukarrar aarahaa hou. Iska ilaaj yooN kiyaa jaasaktaa hei:
a)misreA ko yooN kardeN:
tou mere dil se tire dil ke raabiTe kyooN heiN (yaa phir)
b)tumhaare dil ke mire dil se raabiTe kyooN heiN.

9)Kabhi sune tou bataaooN use maiN yeh :NAHEED:
Keh zindagi se mujhe is qadar gile kyooN heiN

Yeh maqTaA bhii mujhe behad pasand aayaa.

10)nayaa khayaal hei koiee nah khwab hei koii
phir aankh meiN miri :NAHEED: ratjage kyooN heiN

Yeh doosra maqTaA bhii bahut hii khoob hei.
=====

Doobaara Arz kartaa chalooN ke aapki ghazal mujhe bahut hii pasand aayii. Agar aap meri raaye se muttafiq nah houN tou use nazar andaaz kardeejiye. Shukriyah.
[

Aapka Mukhlis,
Nazir.

Post by **irfan abid** » Sat Feb 19, 2005 9:52 pm

Naheed sahiba, aadaab!

aap kii Ghazal pasand aayii. daad qubuul keejiye! Nazir Sb kii tajaaveez nihaayat maaquul aur qaabil-e-Ghaur haiN.

niyaazmand,
Irfan :Abid:

Post by **Shummu** » Sat Feb 19, 2005 10:34 pm

Wah Naheed sis ek aur khoobsurat ghazal ..baDi hi taazgi hoti hai aap ke kalaam meiN...sabhi sher achche hain...daad haazir hai :)

Shumaila

Post by **naheedv** » Sat Feb 19, 2005 11:01 pm

Abdullah Nazir wrote:
MuHtaramah
NAHEED-V Saahibah,

Purkhuloos Tasleemaat,

Aapki khoobsoorat ghazal paRhkar bahut khushi houi jiske liye meri dili daad aur mubaarakbaad qubool farmaayiye. Apna tabsirah paish karne se pahle ye kehnaa chaahtaa hooN ke aapka meri raaye se muttafiq hounaa zaroori nahiN hei.

1)Tire dhyaan ke sooraj bujhe bujhe kyooN heiN
Yeh chaar samt andheraoN ke silsile kyooN heiN

Waah waah bahut khoob maTlaA hei. Mujhe behad pasand aayaa lekin lafz "dhyaan" ko paRhne meiN mushkil paish aaraahi hei kiyoonkeh usko ham "dhiyaan" nahiN paRh sakte jo colloquial zubaan hei. Is misreA kii doosri soorat yeh housakti hei:
a)Tire khayaal ke sooraj bujhe bujhe kyooN heiN
Ya phir:
b)Tumhaari yaad ke sooraj bujhe bujhe kyooN heiN

ghazal ke pehle version meiN chaNd aik typos theeN tau maiN ne ghazal ko update kiyaa hai. lagtaa hai aap ne puraana version save kar liyaa thaa, magar aik nazar aap ghazal ke naye version ko dikh leN ge tau aap ko aNdaazah ho gaa ke maiN ne matle' ko badal diyaa hai.

2)FaZaa meiN mere bikharne k' maihak tak nahi hei
Hawaa ke phool hise sirf' raabiTe kyooN heiN

Agar ghaur o fikr nah kareN tou pahlaa misraA yooN meHsoos houtaa hei ke vazn meiN nahiN hei. Iski wajah bahut se Huroof kaa girnaa hei:
FaZaa m'merebikhrne k'maihak tak nahi'hei.
Bajaye iske agar koiee rawaaN misraA keh sakeN tou behtar hougaa.
Doosra misraA theek hei.

yahaaN par bhee vohi oopar kahi gayee baat dohraane kee zaroorat hai. aap ghazal ko dobaarah deikh lijiye!
mujh se matle ke :dhiyaan: aur iss she'r ke :mehak: ke vazn meiN gaR baR ho ga'ee thee jo maiN ne saheeh kar lee hai.

3)MaiN' tere'khwaab se baahar nikal chuki'hooN tou phir
Yeh jaa bajaa tiri yaadaoN ke Haashiye kyooN heiN.

Bahut khoob Naheed Saahibah. Aap ne tou mujhe bhii jhoomne per majboor kardiyaa. Waaqaiee bahut hii dilkash sheAr hei.

buhat buhat shukriya

4)MaiN tere sang tou raushan safar pah nikli thii
Yeh chaar samt andheraoN ke silsile kyooN heiN

Yeh bhii achcha sheAr hei lekin is meiN doosraa misraA vohi hei jou aap ne apne matleA meiN isteAmaal kiyaa hei.

ji bilkul, iss kaa misra'e caani matle' kaa misra-e-caani hai.
she'r pasaNd karne kaa shukriya!

5)Kaiee dinaoN se tiri raushni nahiN utrii
Tire dhyaan ke sooraj bujhe bujhe kyooN heiN

Is sheAr meiN bhii doosre sheAr kaa doosraa misraA mukarrar aayaa hei. Iski doosri soorataoN ke baare meiN izhaar-e-khayaal karchukaa hooN.

ji bilkul, iss kaa misra'e caani matle' kaa pehlaa misra' hai.
she'r pasaNd karne kaa shukriya!

6)Nah faasile hi ghaTe heiN nah manzileN mili heiN
JuRe houe mire pairaoN se raaste kyooN heiN.

Behtar hougaa ke aap pahle misreA ko yooN kardeN:
(Nah faasile hi ghaTe heiN nah manzileN hi mili)
Yeh sheAr bhii bahut achchaa hei.

pehlaa misra' maiN aap ke hehne se qabl hee badal chukee th`ee, aap ghazal kaa nayaa version deikh lete tau aap ko aNdaazah ho jaataa.

7)MaiN paaniyaoN pah bhalaa kab talak chalooN aakhir
Saraab reit ke daryaa hii saamne kyooN heiN

Is sheAr ka khayaal bhi bahut achcha hei. Waah waah. Saraab reiT kii hindi tarkeeb bhii khoob hei jaise "phool baagh",

she'r pasaNd karne kaa shukriya!
magar maiN ne iss she'r ko ghazal se nikaal diyaa hai, jaane kyoN mujh`e meHsoos huvaa ke shaayad maiN apnaa khayaal sahee tarah se adaa naheeN kar paa'ee hooN iss meiN, iss liye khaarij kar diyaa, lekin meraa khayaal ghalat bhee ho saktaa hai!

8)LabaoN pah tark-e-rafaaqat ke tazkire heiN agar
Tou tere dil ke mire dil se raabiTe kyooN heiN

Yeh sheAr bhii laajavaab hei Naheed Saahibah. Is beHr mein jab ham "to'tere" paRhte heiN tou tanaafur-e-lafzi paidaa houtaa hei. Yani herf "t" jaise mukarrar aarahaa hou. Iska ilaaj yooN kiyaa jaasaktaa hei:
a)misreA ko yooN kardeN:
tou mere dil se tire dil ke raabiTe kyooN heiN (yaa phir)
b)tumhaare dil ke mire dil se raabiTe kyooN heiN.

she'r pasaNd karne kaa shukriya!
aap kee baat bilkul th`eek hai aur meree nazar se chook ho ga'ee. maiN isey durust kiye letee hooN.
shukriya!

9)Kabhi sune tou bataaooN use maiN yeh :NAHEED:
Keh zindagi se mujhe is qadar gile kyooN heiN

Yeh maqTaA bhii mujhe behad pasand aayaa.

buhat shukriya!
magar maiN ne ye she'r bhee ghazal se nikaal diyaa sirf iss vajah se ke mere dusre misre' kaa khayaal aik mashhoor shaa'ir ke khayaal se kisee had tak Takraa geyaa thaa aur maiN naheeN chaahatee th`ee ke ko'ee mujh par choree kaa ilzaam lagaa'e iss liye maiN ne ise nikaal denaa hee behatar samjhaa. haalaNke meraa she'r har lehaaz se mere hi aNdaaz ko zaahir kartaa hai.

10)nayaa khayaal hei koiee nah khwab hei koii
phir aankh meiN miri :NAHEED: ratjage kyooN heiN

Yeh doosra maqTaA bhii bahut hii khoob hei.

buhat shukriya!

=====

Doobaara Arz kartaa chalooN ke aapki ghazal mujhe bahut hii pasand aayii. Agar aap meri raaye se muttafiq nah houN tou use nazar andaaz kardeejiye. Shukriyah.
[

Aapka Mukhlis,
Nazir.

Mohtaram Nazir saahab,

shaayad pehlee baar aap kee jaanib se aik t^aveel tabsarah paRhne ko milaa hai aur voh bhee meree aik adna see koshish par.
aap kaa tabsarah paRH kar buhat khushee huee aur ummeed karti hooN ke aap aa'iNdah bhee aisee raah numaayee farmaate raheN ge.
ghazal ko pasaNd karne ke liye aap ki mamnoon hooN.

buhat shukriya
Naheed

Post by **Raji** » Mon Feb 21, 2005 7:26 am

Azeezi Naheed Sis
Aadaab,

aap ka yeh kalam bhi bohat khoob hai hasb-e-mamool :)
daad aur mubarakbaad hazir-e-khidmaat hai ke yeh koshish beshak adnaa ho lekin kalaam andna naheiN hai :)

khair andesh
ur sis

Post by **nigaah** » Tue Feb 22, 2005 6:05 pm

Naheed Sahiba

aap ki Ghazal mujhay pasand aayi ..... aap ki Ghazal per udaasi ki dabeez teh Ghaalib mehsoos hui.....

1)Tire dhyaan ke sooraj bujhe bujhe kyooN heiN
Yeh chaar samt andheraoN ke silsile kyooN heiN

matlaa bohut Khubsoorat hai....sooraj ka bujhna aur chaar simt andhera ....baRa Khubsoorat talluq banta hai in ka aapas maiN...

2)FaZaa meiN mere bikharne k' baas tak nahi hei
Hawaa ke phool hise sirf' raabiTe kyooN heiN

"mehek" ki jaga "baas" laga dene say misray main masbat tabdeeli aagai hai...lekin abb bhi mujhay mehsoos hua(aur ho sakta hai mera Khayal sahi na ho) ke "baas tak nahiN hai" itna rawaaN nahiN hai.... agar isay "baas tak bhi nahiN" likha jaaye tou rawaani aajati hai lekin "tak" ke saath "bhi" Ghair zaroori hai aur bay maanwiyat peda karta hai .....koi aur tajweez mere zehen maiN bhi filhaal nahiN...

3)MaiN' tere'khwaab se baahar nikal chuki'hooN tou phir
Yeh jaa bajaa tiri yaadaoN ke Haashiye kyooN heiN.

ye bhi bohut umda shair hai...daad qubool kijye..

4)MaiN tere sang tou raushan safar pah nikli thii
Yeh chaar samt andheraoN ke silsile kyooN heiN

5)Kaiee dinaoN se tiri raushni nahiN utrii
Tire dhyaan ke sooraj bujhe bujhe kyooN heiN

in dono ashaar maiN na sirf ye ke dono ke misra-e-saani ka a'aada ho raha hai balke ...misra-e-oola maiN bhi roushan aur raushni jese alfaaz ki takraar ho gai hai.....

6)Nah faasile hi ghaTe heiN nah manzileN hi mili
JuRe houe mire pairaoN se raaste kyooN heiN.

pehle misray maiN shayad Nazir sahab say "typo" ho gai ho...aur yaqinun aap ka bhi dhiyaan nahiN gaya.....mere Khayal say "mili" ki jaga "mileeN" hona chaahiye tha....kiuNke manzilaiN jama hai...

7)MaiN paaniyaoN pah bhalaa kab talak chalooN aakhir
Saraab reit ke daryaa hii saamne kyooN heiN

waah ...kia kehnay.....

8)LabaoN pah tark-e-rafaaqat ke tazkire heiN agar
Tou tere dil ke mire dil se raabiTe kyooN heiN

9)Kabhi sune tou bataaooN use maiN yeh :NAHEED:
Keh zindagi se mujhe is qadar gile kyooN heiN

10)nayaa khayaal hei koiee nah khwab hei koii
phir aankh meiN miri :NAHEED: ratjage kyooN heiN

bohut Khoob.....

aap ki Ghazal per meri jaanib say bohut si mubaarakbaad aur daad wusool kijye....aur umeed-e-waasiq hai meri koi baat aap ko nagawaar-e-Khaatir na guzri hogi.

Nigaah

Post by **naheedv** » Fri Feb 25, 2005 2:55 am

Raji wrote:Azeezi Naheed Sis
Aadaab,

aap ka yeh kalam bhi bohat khoob hai hasb-e-mamool :)
daad aur mubarakbaad hazir-e-khidmaat hai ke yeh koshish beshak adnaa ho lekin kalaam andna naheiN hai :)

khair andesh
ur sis

Dear Raji,

deir se jawaab denen ke liye ma'zarar chaahati hooN,
dar asl idhar aanaa hi naheeN huvaa iss liye aap kaa khat paRhne se mehroom rahi.

aap kee daad aur mubaarakbaad kaa buhat shukriya, :)

mukhliS
Naheed

Post by **naheedv** » Fri Feb 25, 2005 2:58 am

nigaah wrote:Naheed Sahiba

aap ki Ghazal mujhay pasand aayi ..... aap ki Ghazal per udaasi ki dabeez teh Ghaalib mehsoos hui.....

1)Tire dhyaan ke sooraj bujhe bujhe kyooN heiN
Yeh chaar samt andheraoN ke silsile kyooN heiN

matlaa bohut Khubsoorat hai....sooraj ka bujhna aur chaar simt andhera ....baRa Khubsoorat talluq banta hai in ka aapas maiN...

2)FaZaa meiN mere bikharne k' baas tak nahi hei
Hawaa ke phool hise sirf' raabiTe kyooN heiN

"mehek" ki jaga "baas" laga dene say misray main masbat tabdeeli aagai hai...lekin abb bhi mujhay mehsoos hua(aur ho sakta hai mera Khayal sahi na ho) ke "baas tak nahiN hai" itna rawaaN nahiN hai.... agar isay "baas tak bhi nahiN" likha jaaye tou rawaani aajati hai lekin "tak" ke saath "bhi" Ghair zaroori hai aur bay maanwiyat peda karta hai .....koi aur tajweez mere zehen maiN bhi filhaal nahiN...

3)MaiN' tere'khwaab se baahar nikal chuki'hooN tou phir
Yeh jaa bajaa tiri yaadaoN ke Haashiye kyooN heiN.

ye bhi bohut umda shair hai...daad qubool kijye..

4)MaiN tere sang tou raushan safar pah nikli thii
Yeh chaar samt andheraoN ke silsile kyooN heiN

5)Kaiee dinaoN se tiri raushni nahiN utrii
Tire dhyaan ke sooraj bujhe bujhe kyooN heiN

in dono ashaar maiN na sirf ye ke dono ke misra-e-saani ka a'aada ho raha hai balke ...misra-e-oola maiN bhi roushan aur raushni jese alfaaz ki takraar ho gai hai.....

6)Nah faasile hi ghaTe heiN nah manzileN hi mili
JuRe houe mire pairaoN se raaste kyooN heiN.

pehle misray maiN shayad Nazir sahab say "typo" ho gai ho...aur yaqinun aap ka bhi dhiyaan nahiN gaya.....mere Khayal say "mili" ki jaga "mileeN" hona chaahiye tha....kiuNke manzilaiN jama hai...

7)MaiN paaniyaoN pah bhalaa kab talak chalooN aakhir
Saraab reit ke daryaa hii saamne kyooN heiN

waah ...kia kehnay.....

8)LabaoN pah tark-e-rafaaqat ke tazkire heiN agar
Tou tere dil ke mire dil se raabiTe kyooN heiN

9)Kabhi sune tou bataaooN use maiN yeh :NAHEED:
Keh zindagi se mujhe is qadar gile kyooN heiN

10)nayaa khayaal hei koiee nah khwab hei koii
phir aankh meiN miri :NAHEED: ratjage kyooN heiN

bohut Khoob.....

aap ki Ghazal per meri jaanib say bohut si mubaarakbaad aur daad wusool kijye....aur umeed-e-waasiq hai meri koi baat aap ko nagawaar-e-Khaatir na guzri hogi.

Nigaah

Dear Nigaah ji,

shaayad aap se pehli baar baat karne kaa moqa' milaa hai.
agar iss se pehle huyee ho tau yaad naheeN hai mujhe.

aap ne ghazal pasaNd kee, aur iss ke saath saath apne qeemati raa'e se bhee navaazaa, jis ke liye maiN aap kee be.had mamnoon hooN.
ghazal meiN khaatir khwaah tabdeeliyaaN kar dee ga'ee heiN aur jo typo ki ghalatiyaaN theeN voh bhee ab dursut heiN, aap chaaheN tau confirm kar skatee heiN :)

shukriya
Naheed

Post by **fatimah** » Sat Feb 26, 2005 9:17 am

aslaam_u_alikam

naheed ji aap ka yeh kalam bhi behad pasand aayaa.
puri gazal hi khub kahi hey aap ney.
dilli daad qubool kijiye.
shukriya

Post by **Star Mind** » Tue Mar 01, 2005 11:26 pm

Assalam-o-a'laikum,

Naheed jee,

hoi takheer to kuch baais--etakherr bhi thaa!!

bahut ma'zirat

aap ka ye kalaam bhi Hsb-e-mamool Hawaas-e-khamsa par chaagaya !! aur ham ash ash kar uThe Urdu Adab ki qismat par !! 8)
bahut hi khoob !! har lihaaz se umda !!

Daad qabool kejeye !! shukriya

MokhliS : Zia

Post by **naheedv** » Thu Mar 03, 2005 11:38 pm

fatimah wrote:aslaam_u_alikam

naheed ji aap ka yeh kalam bhi behad pasand aayaa.
puri gazal hi khub kahi hey aap ney.
dilli daad qubool kijiye.
shukriya

Fatima sis,

dier se jawaab dene ke liye ma'zarat chaahati hooN, dar ask kayee din se idher aanaa hi na ho sakaa iss liye aap kee post bhee na paRh saki.

bahar kaif, ghazal pasaNd karne kaa buhat buhat shkriya!

mukhlis
Naheed

Post by **naheedv** » Thu Mar 03, 2005 11:41 pm

Star Mind wrote:Assalam-o-a'laikum,

Naheed jee,

hoi takheer to kuch baais--etakherr bhi thaa!!

bahut ma'zirat

aap ka ye kalaam bhi Hsb-e-mamool Hawaas-e-khamsa par chaagaya !! aur ham ash ash kar uThe Urdu Adab ki qismat par !! 8)
bahut hi khoob !! har lihaaz se umda !!

Daad qabool kejeye !! shukriya

MokhliS : Zia

Zia ji,

aap buhat din ke ba'd nazar aa'ye, khairiyat tau hai sab?

janaab ghazal tau aik taraf, aap tau ta'rif hi itnee haseen karte heiN ke dil be ikhtiyaar hee waah keh uthtaa hai :)

hasbe ma'mool aap kee daad qubool karte huve shukriya adaa karti hooN :)

mukhliS
Naheed

tumaare dhayaan ke sooraj

tumaare dhayaan ke sooraj

Bahut pasand aayi aapki ghazal.......

Re: Bahut pasand aayi aapki ghazal.......