jawaid badauni wrote:
Azeezah Shummu SaaHibah,
aadaab aur doa
MaiN ne aap ki Ghazal per tabsarah kiya tha magar bohat see "typo" ki GhaltiyaaN Khud mujhse ho gaii theeN mujhe yeh bhi Khadsha tha kahiN mere e'traazaat nagawaar.e Khaatir nah ho jayeN. MaiN aap ki ya kisee ki dilshikanee nahiN chaahta hooN. Iss liye maiN ne apne tabsarey ko wahaN se "delete" kar diya tha. Ab aap ne israar kiya hai tou ek baar phir aapki Ghazal ka jayezah leta hooN. Majmooii taur per ek achchee koshish hai magar chund miSrey kuch Safaii chaahte haiN. Raftah raftah yeh kamee Khud hi door ho jayegee mashq jaaree rakhiyega.
Ws Jawaid bhai..plz aap se guzaarish hai ke aap is tarah apna tabsira likh ke miTaaya na karien kabhi....ye accha nahi lagta...aap ko pata hai ke main munaasib tanqeed ka kabhi bura nahi maanti aur tabsira hota hai to har baat ka apne ilm ke mutaabiq jawaab deti hoon...plz aap logon se bhi iltimaas hai ke mere diye gaye jawaab ka bura na maana karein..main jo kuch bhi kehti hoon to apne ilm mein izaafa karne ke liye kehti hoon na keh kisi anaa ki wajah se warna apne kalaam ko yaahn post hi kyon karti...main aankh band karke koi baat qubool nahi karti balki poori tarah samajh boojh ke ..ghaur fikr karke uspe amal karti hoon...jahan mujhe lagta hai tabdeeli karni chahiye karti hoon aur jahan mujhe apna sher zyaada behtar lagta hai to use as such chorh deti hoon basharte ke wazn sahi hona chahiye..ab itni to ijazat honi hi chahiye har shayar ko kyonki use hi asl pata hota hai ke woh kaun sa khayaal likh raha hai..ab aate hain aapke tabsire ki aur..
meri bikhri hui hastii ko ikhathTaa karne
koi aa jaaye kahiN se mujhe poora karne!
Mazmoon achcha hai magar sher kuch ziyadah Saaf nahiN.
"Pura karne" KhuSusan achcha nahiN laga. Waise sher
yaqeena" wazn meN hai. Nazr.e Saani kar lijiyega.
arey itna khoobsurat sher aapko accha nahi laga??hairat hai..ye to mera sabse azeez sher hai poori ghazal mein... aur jo baat is behr mein lafz"poora" se aa rahi hai..woh shayad hi kisi aur lafz se aa paayegi...aur mere ehsaas ki bilkul sahi tarjumaani kar raha hai ye sher aur khusoosan woh lafz....wahi to is sher ki jaan hai...
'raat aayee hai mire Gham meiN izaafaa karne'
mujhko tanhaaiyoN meiN aur bhi tanhaa karne
Awwal tou riwaaj yeh hai keh miSra.e tarah ko
doosra miSra banaaker usmeN miSra.e awwal ya oolah
lagaaker tazmeen ki jaatee hai jo kaam aap ne nahiN kiya
hai. Nez yeh keh doosra miSra Saaf bhi nahiN hai. YuuN
paRhkar dekhiye: "Mujhko tanahii meN kuch aur bhi tanha
karne".
jee mujhe ilm hai ke' tanhaaiyon 'mein 'yoN' dab raha hai...aur mujhe laga tha itni ijazaat hoti hai behr mein..aur main isi tarah apni baat keh paa rahi thi..aapki tajweez qaabil-e-qubool hai..inshaAllah ise badal dungi...shukriya...
jahan tak tarahi misre ko misra-e-oola banaane ka sawaal hai to jaisa maine Khawar sahab ko likha hai keh maine kahin paRha tha ke tarahi misra jab MATLE mein istimaal hota hai to aap ko aazaaadi hoti hai ke aap ise pehla karein ya doosra...kyonki koi farq to paRta nahi hai aur yahan pe mujhe apna misra ''as a punch line use' karna tha jisse ek tajassus rahe ke next misra kya hone waala hai isliye maine tarahi misra pehla le liya...aur aap khud dekhein ..mafhoom to nahi badalta magar aise zyaada asar paida ho raha hai banisbat us ke jab apne misre ko pehla kar doon...
bewafaayi ka tum aaye ho khulaasah karne?
ya ke aaye ho faqat koi tamashaa karne?!
Yaqeena" sher wazn meN hai. Magar donoN miSroN meN koii
rabt nazar nahiN aata. "Ya ke aaye ho" ki jagah "ya tum
aaye ho" paRhker dekhiye.
bas saada sa sher hai..jis mein shaayra soch rahi hai ke uske saath bewaafyi karne waala banda aaj wapis aaya hai to aakhir kisliye..woh kash ma kash mein mubtilaa hai keh kya waqaii us bande ko apne kiye pe nadaamat hai aur apni safaayi dene aaya hai ya phir use ruswaa karne ke liye koi naya tamshaa karne aaya hai...is mein shak-o-shubhaat ka pehluu hai
main pehle doosra misra "ya tum aaye ho" karke hi likh rahi thi magar mujhe laga mujh pe takraar-e-lafzi ka ilzaam lag jaayega so isliye nahi likha...
phir chale uski wafaaoN pe bharosaa karne
Ghalatii jo kabhi kii thii wo dubaaraa karne
Bhat achcha mazmoon hai.
Pahle miSrey meN "uski" ki jagah "unki" kar lijiye.
Achcha lagega. Doosra miSreymeN sirf dou alfaz
ko aage peeche kar lijiyega:
"Galatee ki jo kabhi usko dobarah karne".
oh aapne apna message edit kiya hai lagta hai ..kahir shukriya mazmoon pasand karne ke liye... aap na.. mere misre ko jab parhein to aise parhein "ghalatee jo kabhi kii thi..(thora rukein) aur phir paRhein "woh dubaara karne" aur dekhein kuch sahi laga??waise itni baar parh parh ke zubaan pe rawaaN ho chuka hai ye misra... aapka bataya misra bhi accha hai..is pe bhi zaroor ghaur karungi...maine likh liya hai...waise "uski" ko "unki" se badalna accha laga..shukriya..
pehle to dil ko mire choRha tha zakhmi karke
aur ab aaya hai woh kaar-e-maseehaa karne!
MaZmoon achcha magar sher Saaf nahiN hai.
Aap ko jis cheez ki zaroorat hai usey Angrezee
zubaan meN "finishing touch" kahte haiN.
Jo mire dil ko gaye thEy kabhi zaKhmee karke
aaj Khud aaye haiN woh kaar.e maseehaa karne
bahut khoob..shukriya..aapki tajweez kaafi acchi hai....waise sarwar sahab ki bhi tajweez mujhe acchi lagi thi....inshallah final version mein apa sab ki tajaweez ko zehn mein rakhke sher ko chust kar lungi...
abhi to khol ke rakh dete ho apne dil ko
hum na honge to kahaaN jaaoge aisaa karne?
Bahan yeh aap ki Ghazla ka sub se kamzor sher hai.
Bura nah maaniyega. Doosra miSra phir bhee kuch
thik hai magar pahle miSra bohat kamzor aur bemAAna
hai. Doosre miSrey ka kuch behtar istaimal kijiyega.
pata nahi kyon aap ko aisa laga??is mein ek tarah se main US KO warn kar rahi hoon ke itna close mat aao mere warna jab main nahi hongi to tumhe bahut takleef hogi aur tum phir kiske paas jaaya karoge apne dil ka bojh halka akarne...aur kisi misre se main ye baat keh nahi paa rahi thi...
tumse bujhtii hui ummeed ki lau kehti hai
kam se kam ab to chale aao ujaalaa karne![/b]
Aur yeh hai aap ki Ghazla ka shayad sub se Haseen sher.
Yuun karleN tou shayad aur Haseen ho jayega:
shamm.e ummid ki boojhtee huwee lau har lamha
unse kahtee hai chale aaoo ujaala karne
bahut nawaazish...maine shuru mein aisa hi likhna chaaha tha. pehla misra ..magar mujhse ban nahi paa raha tha..shukriya aap ka bahut khoobsurat badal pesh kiya hai aapne...waise aap ko nahi lagta..direct mukhaatib hone mein zyaada shiddat ka ehsaas hai?
Mere mashware Ghalat bhi ho sakte haiN. Aap per koii
aKhlaaqee pabandee aayad nahiN hotee keh aap inper
laazmee taur per amal kareN. Aap ki Ghazal hai aur sub
kuch aap ki marZee per hai. Khoosh raheN!
Aapka MuKhliS
Jawaid Badauni
shukriya ye aazaadi dene ke liye
jee jo cheez mujhe munaasib aur qaabil-e-qubool lagegi to inshaAllah use zaroor apnaaongi...aapka behad shukriya jo aap ne meri adna si ghazal pe tabsira kiya aur apni tajaweez pesh ki...accha laga...ummeed hai mera koi jawaab nagaawar-e-khaatir na hua hoga..agar aisa hua ho to gustaakhi mu'aaf kar dijiyega ke choti hoon...zyaada bol jaati hoon kabhi kabhi
duaoon mein yaad rakhiyega,
shumaila
aap sab ki aara ki muntazir :rose 
Shumail Sahiba
khair mazaaq bartaraf aap ne bhi acchi tajweez di hai magar woh shiddat jo mere likhe misre mein hai jis mein direct bande se mukhataib hoon woh zara kam ho jaa rahi hai..aisa mujhe laga...baaqi aap ki bhi tajweez apni jagah bahut achi hai...is pe jawaid bhai aur sarwar sahab ne bhi tajweez di hain..main inshallah sab pe ghaur karke final verison mein tabdeeli karungi..