After a long long time posting something here, hope this will get proper justifications from all teachers available here.
Behr-e-khafif (2122-1212-22)
Jo vafaa ka yaqeeN dilaate haiN
Vaade akshar vo bhool jaate haiN
Ashq palkoN tale chhupaa kar ham
Tere kehne pe muskuraate haiN
Teri yaadoN ke saaye bhi ab to
Dil ke aaNgan se laut jaate haiN
Le ujaale tu bhar le jee bhar kar
Ghar jalaa kar, yeh dil jalaate haiN
Kyaa kareN kuchh nahi dawaa is kii
Ashq pee kar jo gham bhulaate haiN
KaantoN ki ab na kijiye parwaaH
Zakhm to phool bhi de jaate haiN
MannatoN par yaqeen haiN ham ko
Bewafaa se yeh dil lagaate haiN
Baat tum se ho gar bichharne ki
Maut ko ham kareeb paate haiN
Hain fareb fitrat-e-bashar dostoN
Apne jazbon se chaut khaate haiN
Kyaa zamaana hame daraayega
Ham hawaadis pe ghar banaate hai
~*~ Jo vafaa ka yaqeeN dilaate haiN ~*~
Moderator: Muzaffar Ahmad Muzaffar
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Muzaffar Ahmad Muzaffar
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- Posts: 1258
- Joined: Sun Feb 12, 2006 1:40 pm
- Location: London, England
- Contact:
moHtaram Manu SaaHib aadaab! 
aek muddat ba'd meHfil meN tashreef lane par khush aam deed kehtaa hooN. aor ummeed kartaa hooN keh ab aap baaqae'idagee se tashreef late raheeN ge. aor apne khubSurat kalam se meHfil kee raonaq baRhaeeN ge.
Jo vafaa ka yaqeeN dilaate haiN
Vaade akshar vo bhool jaate haiN
kiyaa kehne Waah Waah Bohot khoob!
Ashq palkoN tale chhupaa kar ham
Tere kehne pe muskuraate haiN
Kiyaa kehne Waah!
Teri yaadoN ke saaye bhi ab to
Dil ke aaNgan se laut jaate haiN
Waah Waah!
Le ujaale tu bhar le jee bhar kar
Ghar jalaa kar, yeh dil jalaate haiN
Kiyaa kehne!
Kyaa kareN kuchh nahi dawaa is kii
Ashq pee kar jo gham bhulaate haiN
Waah Waah!
KaantoN ki ab na kijiye parwaaH
Zakhm to phool bhi de jaate haiN
maZmoon achchaa hai Waah Waah lekin she'er be beHer ho geyaa hai. aek yeh Surat ho saktee hai.
khaof ham ko naheN hai kaaNToN ka
Zakhm phooloN se khae jate haiN
MannatoN par yaqeen haiN ham ko
Bewafaa se yeh dil lagaate haiN
Waah! pehle miSra' meN :haiN: ko :hai: kar deejiye.
Baat tum se ho gar bichharne ki
Maut ko ham kareeb paate haiN
Kiyaa kehne!
Hain fareb fitrat-e-bashar dostoN
Apne jazbon se chaut khaate haiN
Waah Waah she'er achchaa hai lekin beHer se kharij ho geyaa hai. yeh Surat dekhiye.
makr hai aadamee kee fit^rat meN
looG jaZboN se chooT khate haiN!
Kyaa zamaana hame daraayega
Ham hawaadis pe ghar banaate hai
Kiyaa kehne! Waah Waah Bohot khooB Waah! Bohot khubSuarat maqt^a' hai.
aap kee Ghazal bohot khubSurat aor dilkash hai. sabhee she'er achche haiN. meree janib se dilee daad aor mubarak baad qubool keejiye.
Wassalam
Muzaffar A Muzaffar
aek muddat ba'd meHfil meN tashreef lane par khush aam deed kehtaa hooN. aor ummeed kartaa hooN keh ab aap baaqae'idagee se tashreef late raheeN ge. aor apne khubSurat kalam se meHfil kee raonaq baRhaeeN ge.
Jo vafaa ka yaqeeN dilaate haiN
Vaade akshar vo bhool jaate haiN
kiyaa kehne Waah Waah Bohot khoob!
Ashq palkoN tale chhupaa kar ham
Tere kehne pe muskuraate haiN
Kiyaa kehne Waah!
Teri yaadoN ke saaye bhi ab to
Dil ke aaNgan se laut jaate haiN
Waah Waah!
Le ujaale tu bhar le jee bhar kar
Ghar jalaa kar, yeh dil jalaate haiN
Kiyaa kehne!
Kyaa kareN kuchh nahi dawaa is kii
Ashq pee kar jo gham bhulaate haiN
Waah Waah!
KaantoN ki ab na kijiye parwaaH
Zakhm to phool bhi de jaate haiN
maZmoon achchaa hai Waah Waah lekin she'er be beHer ho geyaa hai. aek yeh Surat ho saktee hai.
khaof ham ko naheN hai kaaNToN ka
Zakhm phooloN se khae jate haiN
MannatoN par yaqeen haiN ham ko
Bewafaa se yeh dil lagaate haiN
Waah! pehle miSra' meN :haiN: ko :hai: kar deejiye.
Baat tum se ho gar bichharne ki
Maut ko ham kareeb paate haiN
Kiyaa kehne!
Hain fareb fitrat-e-bashar dostoN
Apne jazbon se chaut khaate haiN
Waah Waah she'er achchaa hai lekin beHer se kharij ho geyaa hai. yeh Surat dekhiye.
makr hai aadamee kee fit^rat meN
looG jaZboN se chooT khate haiN!
Kyaa zamaana hame daraayega
Ham hawaadis pe ghar banaate hai
Kiyaa kehne! Waah Waah Bohot khooB Waah! Bohot khubSuarat maqt^a' hai.
aap kee Ghazal bohot khubSurat aor dilkash hai. sabhee she'er achche haiN. meree janib se dilee daad aor mubarak baad qubool keejiye.
Wassalam
Muzaffar A Muzaffar
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muhammad_19k
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- Posts: 540
- Joined: Wed Nov 22, 2006 8:36 am
- Location: Lahore
- Contact:
Mohtaram Munu SaHeb,
aap ki dil kash ghazal nazar se guzri to soch meN bhi behti gangaa meN haath dhotaa chalooN.
1. bohat khoob "vafaa ka" ki bajaa-aye "zydaa" kar ke bhi daikh leejiaye.
2. ye saadaa se sher bhi khoob hai. khyaal chahay puraana hai laikin kafiat ko byaan kartaa hai.
3. bohat khoob
4. bohat khoob
5. doosre misra meN jo ko hi kar ke daikh leejiaye
6. bhoat khoob
7. ye sher kuch samajh naheeN aayaa. mare khyaal meN aap jo kuch kehna chah rahaiN haiN woh keh naheeN paa-aye
8. achhchha sher hai
9. Muzaffar SaHeb is ka zikr kar hi chukay haiN ke ye be baHr ho gyaa hai. un ki iSlaaH meN doosre misra' meN lafz "log" sher ki daairaa kaar ko baRhaa kar khoobSoorat banaataa hai.
10. bhalaa hawadic par ghar kaise banaa-aye ja sakte haiN? hawaadic meN shayed zydaa qabil e qubool ho ga.
mukhliS,
Muhammad K. Siddiqui
aap ki dil kash ghazal nazar se guzri to soch meN bhi behti gangaa meN haath dhotaa chalooN.
1. bohat khoob "vafaa ka" ki bajaa-aye "zydaa" kar ke bhi daikh leejiaye.
2. ye saadaa se sher bhi khoob hai. khyaal chahay puraana hai laikin kafiat ko byaan kartaa hai.
3. bohat khoob
4. bohat khoob
5. doosre misra meN jo ko hi kar ke daikh leejiaye
6. bhoat khoob
7. ye sher kuch samajh naheeN aayaa. mare khyaal meN aap jo kuch kehna chah rahaiN haiN woh keh naheeN paa-aye
8. achhchha sher hai
9. Muzaffar SaHeb is ka zikr kar hi chukay haiN ke ye be baHr ho gyaa hai. un ki iSlaaH meN doosre misra' meN lafz "log" sher ki daairaa kaar ko baRhaa kar khoobSoorat banaataa hai.
10. bhalaa hawadic par ghar kaise banaa-aye ja sakte haiN? hawaadic meN shayed zydaa qabil e qubool ho ga.
mukhliS,
Muhammad K. Siddiqui
Muhammad K. Siddiqui.
+92 321 4435273
938-C-Faisal Town, Lahore.
Pakistan.
+92 42 111516516
muhammad_19k@hotmail.com
+92 321 4435273
938-C-Faisal Town, Lahore.
Pakistan.
+92 42 111516516
muhammad_19k@hotmail.com
hello
moHtaram Muzaffar saahib der se jawaab dene ke liye tah-e-dil se maufii chahtaa huN, magar mai aap ka ahsaan mand hoon ke aap ne apna keemati vaqt de kar mere kalaam ko parhaa aur apne apne khoobsurat sujhaav se ise taraasaa, mai aap se aur bhi shikhane ki ummid rakhtaa hoon aur maine ye siye isi liye join kiyaa hai mai aap ke diye mashware se sehmat hoon, aur aap ki ray ko mai achhi tarah istemaal karoongaa, mere 2-3 sher is ghazal ke behr se khaariz hai jise mai sudhaarane ki koshish karoongaa, aap kaa keemato mashware paa kar mujhe behad khushi hui, age bhi mujhe aap yunhi padhate rahenge aur shikhate rahenge yahi ummid kartaa hoonMuzaffar Ahmad Muzaffar wrote:moHtaram Manu SaaHib aadaab!
aek muddat ba'd meHfil meN tashreef lane par khush aam deed kehtaa hooN. aor ummeed kartaa hooN keh ab aap baaqae'idagee se tashreef late raheeN ge. aor apne khubSurat kalam se meHfil kee raonaq baRhaeeN ge.
Jo vafaa ka yaqeeN dilaate haiN
Vaade akshar vo bhool jaate haiN
kiyaa kehne Waah Waah Bohot khoob!
Ashq palkoN tale chhupaa kar ham
Tere kehne pe muskuraate haiN
Kiyaa kehne Waah!
Teri yaadoN ke saaye bhi ab to
Dil ke aaNgan se laut jaate haiN
Waah Waah!
Le ujaale tu bhar le jee bhar kar
Ghar jalaa kar, yeh dil jalaate haiN
Kiyaa kehne!
Kyaa kareN kuchh nahi dawaa is kii
Ashq pee kar jo gham bhulaate haiN
Waah Waah!
KaantoN ki ab na kijiye parwaaH
Zakhm to phool bhi de jaate haiN
maZmoon achchaa hai Waah Waah lekin she'er be beHer ho geyaa hai. aek yeh Surat ho saktee hai.
khaof ham ko naheN hai kaaNToN ka
Zakhm phooloN se khae jate haiN
MannatoN par yaqeen haiN ham ko
Bewafaa se yeh dil lagaate haiN
Waah! pehle miSra' meN :haiN: ko :hai: kar deejiye.
Baat tum se ho gar bichharne ki
Maut ko ham kareeb paate haiN
Kiyaa kehne!
Hain fareb fitrat-e-bashar dostoN
Apne jazbon se chaut khaate haiN
Waah Waah she'er achchaa hai lekin beHer se kharij ho geyaa hai. yeh Surat dekhiye.
makr hai aadamee kee fit^rat meN
looG jaZboN se chooT khate haiN!
Kyaa zamaana hame daraayega
Ham hawaadis pe ghar banaate hai
Kiyaa kehne! Waah Waah Bohot khooB Waah! Bohot khubSuarat maqt^a' hai.
aap kee Ghazal bohot khubSurat aor dilkash hai. sabhee she'er achche haiN. meree janib se dilee daad aor mubarak baad qubool keejiye.
Wassalam
Muzaffar A Muzaffar
aate rahiyega hoozoor
KHUDA HAAFIS
regards
manu
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Sarwar A. Raz
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- Posts: 518
- Joined: Sat Jan 01, 2005 3:18 pm
- Location: Fort Worth, Texas
- Contact:
Manu jee: namaste!
maiN kal hee Europe ke safar se waapas aayaa hooN. aap kee Ghazal aur us par dostoN ke Khat^ bhee dekhe. taqreeba" sab baateN in dostoN ne dekh hee lee haiN lekin maiN ne sochaa keh maiN bhee kuchh likh dooN. ho saktaa hai keh is se koyee nayee baat nikal aaYe aur nah bhee niklee to kyaa harj hai?
aap kee Ghazal se aap kee meHnat z^aahir hai. Khayaalaat Saaf-suthre haiN aur bayaan bhee achhaa hai. do ek jagah koyee kamee reh gayee hai. maiN apnee raaYe neeche likh rahaa hooN. meHnat jaaree rakhiYe. koyee wajh naheeN keh aap jald hee aur behtar Ghazal nah kehne lageN.
Sawar A. Raz "Sarwar"
================================
Jo vafaa ka yaqeeN dilaate haiN
Vaade akshar vo bhool jaate haiN
achhaa she'r hai! (durust lafz^ :aksar: hai :akshar: naheeN)
--------------------------
Ashq palkoN tale chhupaa kar ham
Tere kehne pe muskuraate haiN
yeh bhee achhaa kahaa hai! (:ashq: naheeN bal.k :ashk: durust hai)
-------------------------
Teri yaadoN ke saaye bhi ab to
Dil ke aaNgan se laut jaate haiN
yeh she'r mujh ko bohat achhaa lagaa. haaN aap Roman Urdu meN koshish keejiYe keh aawaazoN kaa farq likh sakeN. jaise Hindi ke :da: aur :Da: kee aawaaz alag alag hotee hai, waise hee Urdu kee :daal: aur :Daal: kee bhee hotee hai.
---------------------------------
Le ujaale tu bhar le jee bhar kar
Ghar jalaa kar, yeh dil jalaate haiN
pehle miSre' meN :bhar: ko duhraanaa achhaa naheeN lag rahaa hai. waise mujh ko Khayaal meN koyee uljhan naheeN lagee. haaN, bayaan behtar ho saktaa hai. ek shakl yeh hai:
looT le too ujaale jee bhar kar
ghar jalaa, dil bhee ab jalaate haiN!
------------------------------
Kyaa kareN kuchh nahi dawaa is kii
Ashq pee kar jo gham bhulaate haiN
ashq-----------> ashk
doosre miSre' meN :jo: kee jagah :hee: kar ke dekhiYe. she'r ke acar (effect) meN farq meHsoos honaa chaahiYe. yooN aap :jo: bhee keh sakte haiN.
---------------------------
KaantoN ki ab na kijiye parwaaH
Zakhm to phool bhi de jaate haiN
(1) durust lafz^ hai :parwaa: nah keh :parwaa:! Ghalib kehte haiN:
nah sitaayish kee tamannaa nah Sileh kee parwaa
gar naheeN haiN mire ash,a'ar meN ma'nee, nah sahee!
(2) :de jaate: do :alfaaz^: (words) haiN lekin aap kee bandish meN in ko ek lafz^ kee t^araH :dijaate: kehnaa paR rahaa hai. aisaa karne kee ijaazat to hai lekin behtar hai keh is se bachaa jaaYe. Khaawar aur Malik SaaHebaan ne is kaa Zikr kiyaa hai. she'r yooN kar deN to Theek hai:
ab nah kaaNToN kee keejiYe parwaa
zaKhm to phool bhee lagaate haiN
----------------------------------
MannatoN par yaqeen haiN ham ko
Bewafaa se yeh dil lagaate haiN
:haiN: kee jagah :hai: honaa chaahiYe. :mannatoN: aur :yeh dil: kee wajh se baat ziyaadah Saaf naheeN ho sakee hai. ek Soorat yeh mumkin hai:
ham wafaa par yaqeen rakhte haiN
be-wafaa se jo dil lagaate haiN!
yahaaN :jo: ko :jabhee to: ke ma'nee meN liyaa jaaYe gaa.
----------------------------
Baat tum se ho gar bichharne ki
Maut ko ham kareeb paate haiN
kareeb------------> qareeb
she'r achhaa hai!
----------------------------
Hain fareb fitrat-e-bashar dostoN
Apne jazbon se chaut khaate haiN
pehlaa miSra' beHr se baahar hai. aap is ko aahistah aahistah paRheN ge to Khud hee ma'loom ho jaaYe gaa. ek shakl yeh dekhiYe aur doosree aap sochiYe!
Khud-farebee see Khud-farebee hai!
apne jazboN se choT khaate haiN!
------------------------------------
Kyaa zamaana hame(N) daraaye ga
Ham hawaadis pe ghar banaate hai(N)
bohat achaa she'r hai! shaabaash!
------------------------------
aap ne likhaa hai keh "Meri sarwar sir se darkhwaast hai aur binti bhi ki jab bhi unhe Vaqt miley , is ghazal ko padh kar mujhe bataayeN ki is mai kahaa kaha ghaltiyaa hui hai.Mai abhi Behr mai lkikhana shikh hi raha hun . Aur Mai unse sheekhne ke liye hi yahaa aaya hun."
aap kisee KhaaS dost kaa naam nah leN to behtar ho gaa kyoN.k is t^araH aap ko bohat se logoN kee raaYe mil jaaYe gee jo ek raaYe se behtar hai!
ummeed hai keh aap isee t^araH yahaaN aate raheN ge.
Sarwar A. Raz "Sarwar"
maiN kal hee Europe ke safar se waapas aayaa hooN. aap kee Ghazal aur us par dostoN ke Khat^ bhee dekhe. taqreeba" sab baateN in dostoN ne dekh hee lee haiN lekin maiN ne sochaa keh maiN bhee kuchh likh dooN. ho saktaa hai keh is se koyee nayee baat nikal aaYe aur nah bhee niklee to kyaa harj hai?
aap kee Ghazal se aap kee meHnat z^aahir hai. Khayaalaat Saaf-suthre haiN aur bayaan bhee achhaa hai. do ek jagah koyee kamee reh gayee hai. maiN apnee raaYe neeche likh rahaa hooN. meHnat jaaree rakhiYe. koyee wajh naheeN keh aap jald hee aur behtar Ghazal nah kehne lageN.
Sawar A. Raz "Sarwar"
================================
Jo vafaa ka yaqeeN dilaate haiN
Vaade akshar vo bhool jaate haiN
achhaa she'r hai! (durust lafz^ :aksar: hai :akshar: naheeN)
--------------------------
Ashq palkoN tale chhupaa kar ham
Tere kehne pe muskuraate haiN
yeh bhee achhaa kahaa hai! (:ashq: naheeN bal.k :ashk: durust hai)
-------------------------
Teri yaadoN ke saaye bhi ab to
Dil ke aaNgan se laut jaate haiN
yeh she'r mujh ko bohat achhaa lagaa. haaN aap Roman Urdu meN koshish keejiYe keh aawaazoN kaa farq likh sakeN. jaise Hindi ke :da: aur :Da: kee aawaaz alag alag hotee hai, waise hee Urdu kee :daal: aur :Daal: kee bhee hotee hai.
---------------------------------
Le ujaale tu bhar le jee bhar kar
Ghar jalaa kar, yeh dil jalaate haiN
pehle miSre' meN :bhar: ko duhraanaa achhaa naheeN lag rahaa hai. waise mujh ko Khayaal meN koyee uljhan naheeN lagee. haaN, bayaan behtar ho saktaa hai. ek shakl yeh hai:
looT le too ujaale jee bhar kar
ghar jalaa, dil bhee ab jalaate haiN!
------------------------------
Kyaa kareN kuchh nahi dawaa is kii
Ashq pee kar jo gham bhulaate haiN
ashq-----------> ashk
doosre miSre' meN :jo: kee jagah :hee: kar ke dekhiYe. she'r ke acar (effect) meN farq meHsoos honaa chaahiYe. yooN aap :jo: bhee keh sakte haiN.
---------------------------
KaantoN ki ab na kijiye parwaaH
Zakhm to phool bhi de jaate haiN
(1) durust lafz^ hai :parwaa: nah keh :parwaa:! Ghalib kehte haiN:
nah sitaayish kee tamannaa nah Sileh kee parwaa
gar naheeN haiN mire ash,a'ar meN ma'nee, nah sahee!
(2) :de jaate: do :alfaaz^: (words) haiN lekin aap kee bandish meN in ko ek lafz^ kee t^araH :dijaate: kehnaa paR rahaa hai. aisaa karne kee ijaazat to hai lekin behtar hai keh is se bachaa jaaYe. Khaawar aur Malik SaaHebaan ne is kaa Zikr kiyaa hai. she'r yooN kar deN to Theek hai:
ab nah kaaNToN kee keejiYe parwaa
zaKhm to phool bhee lagaate haiN
----------------------------------
MannatoN par yaqeen haiN ham ko
Bewafaa se yeh dil lagaate haiN
:haiN: kee jagah :hai: honaa chaahiYe. :mannatoN: aur :yeh dil: kee wajh se baat ziyaadah Saaf naheeN ho sakee hai. ek Soorat yeh mumkin hai:
ham wafaa par yaqeen rakhte haiN
be-wafaa se jo dil lagaate haiN!
yahaaN :jo: ko :jabhee to: ke ma'nee meN liyaa jaaYe gaa.
----------------------------
Baat tum se ho gar bichharne ki
Maut ko ham kareeb paate haiN
kareeb------------> qareeb
she'r achhaa hai!
----------------------------
Hain fareb fitrat-e-bashar dostoN
Apne jazbon se chaut khaate haiN
pehlaa miSra' beHr se baahar hai. aap is ko aahistah aahistah paRheN ge to Khud hee ma'loom ho jaaYe gaa. ek shakl yeh dekhiYe aur doosree aap sochiYe!
Khud-farebee see Khud-farebee hai!
apne jazboN se choT khaate haiN!
------------------------------------
Kyaa zamaana hame(N) daraaye ga
Ham hawaadis pe ghar banaate hai(N)
bohat achaa she'r hai! shaabaash!
------------------------------
aap ne likhaa hai keh "Meri sarwar sir se darkhwaast hai aur binti bhi ki jab bhi unhe Vaqt miley , is ghazal ko padh kar mujhe bataayeN ki is mai kahaa kaha ghaltiyaa hui hai.Mai abhi Behr mai lkikhana shikh hi raha hun . Aur Mai unse sheekhne ke liye hi yahaa aaya hun."
aap kisee KhaaS dost kaa naam nah leN to behtar ho gaa kyoN.k is t^araH aap ko bohat se logoN kee raaYe mil jaaYe gee jo ek raaYe se behtar hai!
ummeed hai keh aap isee t^araH yahaaN aate raheN ge.
Sarwar A. Raz "Sarwar"
yooN aur bohat a'ib haiN :Sarwar: meN wa-lekin
kambaKht muHabbat meN to yaktaa nazar aayaa
Sarwar A. Raz :Sarwar:
kambaKht muHabbat meN to yaktaa nazar aayaa
Sarwar A. Raz :Sarwar:
Re: ~*~ Jo vafaa ka yaqeeN dilaate haiN ~*~
saraa ji aap ka bahut bahut shukriya mujhe padhane aur pasand karne ke liye, aap ka tah-e-dil se shukragujar hoon is hausala afsaai ke liye , yunhi aati rehna aur apna khayaal rakhna mahotarmasara_j wrote:Manu sahib,manu1979 wrote:After a long long time posting something here, hope this will get proper justifications from all teachers available here.
Behr-e-khafif (2122-1212-22)
Jo vafaa ka yaqeeN dilaate haiN
Vaade akshar vo bhool jaate haiN
Ashq palkoN tale chhupaa kar ham
Tere kehne pe muskuraate haiN
Teri yaadoN ke saaye bhi ab to
Dil ke aaNgan se laut jaate haiN
Le ujaale tu bhar le jee bhar kar
Ghar jalaa kar, yeh dil jalaate haiN
Kyaa kareN kuchh nahi dawaa is kii
Ashq pee kar jo gham bhulaate haiN
KaantoN ki ab na kijiye parwaaH
Zakhm to phool bhi de jaate haiN
MannatoN par yaqeen haiN ham ko
Bewafaa se yeh dil lagaate haiN
Baat tum se ho gar bichharne ki
Maut ko ham kareeb paate haiN
Hain fareb fitrat-e-bashar dostoN
Apne jazbon se chaut khaate haiN
Kyaa zamaana hame daraayega
Ham hawaadis pe ghar banaate hai
adaab arz hai, aur urdubandhan per khushamdeed.
aapki ghazal nazarnawaaz hui aur pasand aayi. sab hi ashaar khoob hain
daad qubool keejiye khaas is shair per
"Hain fareb fitrat-e-bashar dostoN
Apne jazbon se chaut khaate haiN"
mukhlis
sara
regards
manu
MUHAMMAD JI AAP KA BHI TAH-E-DIL SE SHUKRAGUJAAR HON REHNUMMAYI KE LIYE, YUNHI AATE RAHIYEGA AUR HAME SHIKHAATE RAHIYEGAmuhammad_19k wrote:Mohtaram Munu SaHeb,
aap ki dil kash ghazal nazar se guzri to soch meN bhi behti gangaa meN haath dhotaa chalooN.
1. bohat khoob "vafaa ka" ki bajaa-aye "zydaa" kar ke bhi daikh leejiaye.
2. ye saadaa se sher bhi khoob hai. khyaal chahay puraana hai laikin kafiat ko byaan kartaa hai.
3. bohat khoob
4. bohat khoob
5. doosre misra meN jo ko hi kar ke daikh leejiaye
6. bhoat khoob
7. ye sher kuch samajh naheeN aayaa. mare khyaal meN aap jo kuch kehna chah rahaiN haiN woh keh naheeN paa-aye
8. achhchha sher hai
9. Muzaffar SaHeb is ka zikr kar hi chukay haiN ke ye be baHr ho gyaa hai. un ki iSlaaH meN doosre misra' meN lafz "log" sher ki daairaa kaar ko baRhaa kar khoobSoorat banaataa hai.
10. bhalaa hawadic par ghar kaise banaa-aye ja sakte haiN? hawaadic meN shayed zydaa qabil e qubool ho ga.
mukhliS,
Muhammad K. Siddiqui
REGARDS
MANU
hi
Respected Sarwar SirSarwar Raz wrote:Manu jee: namaste!
maiN kal hee Europe ke safar se waapas aayaa hooN. aap kee Ghazal aur us par dostoN ke Khat^ bhee dekhe. taqreeba" sab baateN in dostoN ne dekh hee lee haiN lekin maiN ne sochaa keh maiN bhee kuchh likh dooN. ho saktaa hai keh is se koyee nayee baat nikal aaYe aur nah bhee niklee to kyaa harj hai?
aap kee Ghazal se aap kee meHnat z^aahir hai. Khayaalaat Saaf-suthre haiN aur bayaan bhee achhaa hai. do ek jagah koyee kamee reh gayee hai. maiN apnee raaYe neeche likh rahaa hooN. meHnat jaaree rakhiYe. koyee wajh naheeN keh aap jald hee aur behtar Ghazal nah kehne lageN.
Sawar A. Raz "Sarwar"
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Jo vafaa ka yaqeeN dilaate haiN
Vaade akshar vo bhool jaate haiN
achhaa she'r hai! (durust lafz^ :aksar: hai :akshar: naheeN)
--------------------------
Ashq palkoN tale chhupaa kar ham
Tere kehne pe muskuraate haiN
yeh bhee achhaa kahaa hai! (:ashq: naheeN bal.k :ashk: durust hai)
-------------------------
Teri yaadoN ke saaye bhi ab to
Dil ke aaNgan se laut jaate haiN
yeh she'r mujh ko bohat achhaa lagaa. haaN aap Roman Urdu meN koshish keejiYe keh aawaazoN kaa farq likh sakeN. jaise Hindi ke :da: aur :Da: kee aawaaz alag alag hotee hai, waise hee Urdu kee :daal: aur :Daal: kee bhee hotee hai.
---------------------------------
Le ujaale tu bhar le jee bhar kar
Ghar jalaa kar, yeh dil jalaate haiN
pehle miSre' meN :bhar: ko duhraanaa achhaa naheeN lag rahaa hai. waise mujh ko Khayaal meN koyee uljhan naheeN lagee. haaN, bayaan behtar ho saktaa hai. ek shakl yeh hai:
looT le too ujaale jee bhar kar
ghar jalaa, dil bhee ab jalaate haiN!
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Kyaa kareN kuchh nahi dawaa is kii
Ashq pee kar jo gham bhulaate haiN
ashq-----------> ashk
doosre miSre' meN :jo: kee jagah :hee: kar ke dekhiYe. she'r ke acar (effect) meN farq meHsoos honaa chaahiYe. yooN aap :jo: bhee keh sakte haiN.
---------------------------
KaantoN ki ab na kijiye parwaaH
Zakhm to phool bhi de jaate haiN
(1) durust lafz^ hai :parwaa: nah keh :parwaa:! Ghalib kehte haiN:
nah sitaayish kee tamannaa nah Sileh kee parwaa
gar naheeN haiN mire ash,a'ar meN ma'nee, nah sahee!
(2) :de jaate: do :alfaaz^: (words) haiN lekin aap kee bandish meN in ko ek lafz^ kee t^araH :dijaate: kehnaa paR rahaa hai. aisaa karne kee ijaazat to hai lekin behtar hai keh is se bachaa jaaYe. Khaawar aur Malik SaaHebaan ne is kaa Zikr kiyaa hai. she'r yooN kar deN to Theek hai:
ab nah kaaNToN kee keejiYe parwaa
zaKhm to phool bhee lagaate haiN
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MannatoN par yaqeen haiN ham ko
Bewafaa se yeh dil lagaate haiN
:haiN: kee jagah :hai: honaa chaahiYe. :mannatoN: aur :yeh dil: kee wajh se baat ziyaadah Saaf naheeN ho sakee hai. ek Soorat yeh mumkin hai:
ham wafaa par yaqeen rakhte haiN
be-wafaa se jo dil lagaate haiN!
yahaaN :jo: ko :jabhee to: ke ma'nee meN liyaa jaaYe gaa.
----------------------------
Baat tum se ho gar bichharne ki
Maut ko ham kareeb paate haiN
kareeb------------> qareeb
she'r achhaa hai!
----------------------------
Hain fareb fitrat-e-bashar dostoN
Apne jazbon se chaut khaate haiN
pehlaa miSra' beHr se baahar hai. aap is ko aahistah aahistah paRheN ge to Khud hee ma'loom ho jaaYe gaa. ek shakl yeh dekhiYe aur doosree aap sochiYe!
Khud-farebee see Khud-farebee hai!
apne jazboN se choT khaate haiN!
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Kyaa zamaana hame(N) daraaye ga
Ham hawaadis pe ghar banaate hai(N)
bohat achaa she'r hai! shaabaash!
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aap ne likhaa hai keh "Meri sarwar sir se darkhwaast hai aur binti bhi ki jab bhi unhe Vaqt miley , is ghazal ko padh kar mujhe bataayeN ki is mai kahaa kaha ghaltiyaa hui hai.Mai abhi Behr mai lkikhana shikh hi raha hun . Aur Mai unse sheekhne ke liye hi yahaa aaya hun."
aap kisee KhaaS dost kaa naam nah leN to behtar ho gaa kyoN.k is t^araH aap ko bohat se logoN kee raaYe mil jaaYe gee jo ek raaYe se behtar hai!
ummeed hai keh aap isee t^araH yahaaN aate raheN ge.
Sarwar A. Raz "Sarwar"
Mai maufee ka talabgaar Hoon jo aap ko ab reply kar rahaa hoon. Dar-asal vaqt ki paabandi hi kuchh aisi hai ki kabhi kabhi aisa lagta hai khud ke kaamo ke liye bhi vaqt nahi miltaa, mai pichhale 2-3 mahine se is ghazal par kaam kar rahaa tha to ab jaa ke ise puri kar paaya hoon magr phir bhi kaafi kamiyaan hai is men. Kyunki ye sab padhaayi ke saath saath aur job ke saath karne men bahut dikkateN aati hai. Mai aap ka shukragujaar hoon ki aap ne apni mashroofiyat se vaqt nikaal kar meri ghazal ko padhaa aur na sirf padhaa magar apni raay se navaazaa bhi. Agar is kalaam ki baat kare to ghaltiyaan hui hai is ki vajah yeh hai ki mujhe roman ka ziyaadah gyaan nahi hai kyunki us men har alphaaz ko baarikaayi se dekhna padta hai, labz ko is tarah likhne padta hai ki woh Hindi men likhnewaale ya kehne waale sher se alag hon us ka pronouncing sahi ho . Aur dosri bat yeh ki Mai kisi bade shayar ki zameen par nahi likhtaa hoon , mai dil men aur dimaag mej jo khayaal aate hai us ke hisaab se likhta hoon kabhi dil kuchh kehata hai magar dimaag kuchh aur is kashmaksh men bhi ghaltiya ho jaati hai
magar main koshish jaroor karoonga is par kaam aur amal kar sakoon yaani apni roman ko sudharane ki jaise aap ne raay di hai
aap ka bahiut bahut shukriyaa janab jo aap ne mujhe itni achhi tarah se raahnumaayi ki, itna men shaayad kahin nahi shikh paata
apna khayaal rakhiyega
ALLAH-HAAFIS
regards
manu