Urdubandhan ke sabhii dosto.N ko manu kaa aadaab. Aaj badi muddat ke baad kuchh likhane ka man banaaya hai,aur vp bhi apni ek puraani kaavisih ko ghazal men tabdiil kar ke piash kar raha hoon.Aap sabhee dosto.N se iltiijaa hai kii is ghazal ko padh kar apnii qeemati raay se ise nawaaze.Maine is ghazal ko is tarah likha hai ki is ke qaafee sher ek dusare se juDe hue hai, yun samajh lijiye ki ek chhto see kahaane kehi kii koshish kee hai. ghazal kuchh yun hai
[align=center]jab se dekhaa tu_mHe toh khuda kar chale
gham tumHe chhoo na paaye du_aa kar chale
Jis^m se rooh tak tum hee tum ho gaye
Ish^q men khud ko ham kyaa se kyaa kar chale
Be_khudii me.n kahii.n uth gaye jo kadam
Yu.n hu_aa tum pe khud ko fanaa kar chale
Baat hotii rahi chaa.nd kii jab kabhi
Naam le kar tera bas vafaa kar chale
Jab hu_aa saamana jo tere hus^n se
Guf^tagoo ka sabhi silsila kar chale
Kyu.n na haasil hu_aa noor tum sa hame
Chaa.nd taare sabhi yeh gilaa kar chale
pHir yahi tay hu_a mehjabeeno me.n kuchh
Sab tere hus^n ko aaiinaa kar chale
Hai gHazab noor tuu chaa.ndani jal gayi
Ham tumHe chaahne ki khata kar chale
Koi tum sa nahii is jahaa.n me.n kahii.n
ham Dil-o-jaa.n tumhii par fida kar chale
Zindagi jab meri chout khaati rahi
Tabbasum ko tere ham sifaa kar chale
Ham taraste rahe bas Milan ke liye
Faasile zindagi ko kaza kar chale [/align]
aap ki raay ka muntzeer
manu
Jab se dekha tumhe toh khuda kar chale
Moderator: Muzaffar Ahmad Muzaffar
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Muzaffar Ahmad Muzaffar
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- Posts: 1258
- Joined: Sun Feb 12, 2006 1:40 pm
- Location: London, England
- Contact:
Re: Jab se dekha tumhe toh khuda kar chale
manu1979 wrote:Urdubandhan ke sabhii dosto.N ko manu kaa aadaab. Aaj badi muddat ke baad kuchh likhane ka man banaaya hai,aur vp bhi apni ek puraani kaavisih ko ghazal men tabdiil kar ke piash kar raha hoon.Aap sabhee dosto.N se iltiijaa hai kii is ghazal ko padh kar apnii qeemati raay se ise nawaaze.Maine is ghazal ko is tarah likha hai ki is ke qaafee sher ek dusare se juDe hue hai, yun samajh lijiye ki ek chhto see kahaane kehi kii koshish kee hai. ghazal kuchh yun hai
[align=center]jab se dekhaa tu_mHe toh khuda kar chale
gham tumHe chhoo na paaye du_aa kar chale
Jis^m se rooh tak tum hee tum ho gaye
Ish^q men khud ko ham kyaa se kyaa kar chale
Be_khudii me.n kahii.n uth gaye jo kadam
Yu.n hu_aa tum pe khud ko fanaa kar chale
Baat hotii rahi chaa.nd kii jab kabhi
Naam le kar tera bas vafaa kar chale
Jab hu_aa saamana jo tere hus^n se
Guf^tagoo ka sabhi silsila kar chale
Kyu.n na haasil hu_aa noor tum sa hame
Chaa.nd taare sabhi yeh gilaa kar chale
pHir yahi tay hu_a mehjabeeno me.n kuchh
Sab tere hus^n ko aaiinaa kar chale
Hai gHazab noor tuu chaa.ndani jal gayi
Ham tumHe chaahne ki khata kar chale
Koi tum sa nahii is jahaa.n me.n kahii.n
ham Dil-o-jaa.n tumhii par fida kar chale
Zindagi jab meri chout khaati rahi
Tabbasum ko tere ham sifaa kar chale
Ham taraste rahe bas Milan ke liye
Faasile zindagi ko kaza kar chale [/align]
aap ki raay ka muntzeer
manu
moHtaram Biradaram Manu SaaHib tasleemaat!
kaafee dinooN qabl aap kee Ghazal dekh lee thee lekin soochaa keh aaraam se likhooN gaa. aor yooN kuch taakheer hotee rahee. khaer ummeed hai mua'aaf farma deeN ge.
aap ke kheyaalaat dilkash aor qaabil-e-daad haiN. aor aap kee t^aba'ee milaan bhee Ghazal kee jaanib aap ko khenchtaa hai. lekin is silsilah meN mashq aor asaatizah kee kutub kaa mut^alea'h se bhalaa kise inkaar ho saktaa hai. koshish keejiye keh kuch waqt nikaal kar mut^aalea'h farma liya kareeN.
bilshubah aap kee Ghazal andaaZ dilkash hai. daad bhee haaZ^ir hai. lekin baa eeN hamah chand bateeN jo baHeCiyat-e-qaaree meHsoos hueeN haiN. likhe detaa hooN. jis kaa aap kee jaanib se Hukm bhee mila hai. keh apnee raeY se aagah kiya jaeY.
isee Ghazal se miltee jultee aek Ghazal jo Zabaan-e-zad-e-a'aam hai.
"faqeeranah aaeY Sada kar chale
miyaaN khush raho ham dua'aa kar chaleY"
yeh beHer mutaqaarib mucammin meHZoof meN hai. aap kee Ghazal jo Ghaaleba" isee Ghazal kaa dhemaa saa ranG apne andar rakhtee hai. agar aesaa hai. to koshish yeh karnee chahiye thee keh isee beHer meN aap koshish karte. aor isee zameen ke paband rehte. to kiyaa baat thee. khaer is Surat meN agar aap ab bhee koshish kareeN to Ghazal do aatishah ho saktee hai. agar ise muqarrarah meN Dhaalaa jaeY.
macala" is beHer kee shakl yeh hai.
fa oo' lun....fa oo' lun.....fa oo' lun....fa al=122...122...122..12
beHer kee yeh woh aaTh ruknee shakl hai jis meN meHZoof ZaHaaf "HaZaf" kaa a'mal kiya jataa hai. aor "fa oo' lun" se "lun" nikaal kar "fa oo' ko "fa al" se badal diya jataa hai.
ya'nee aap kee Ghazal agar is wazan par hotee to bohot dilkash ho taatee. aor yooN aSal Ghazal se aap kee wabastagee aor raGhbat kaa pataa bhee de detee.
jab se dekhaa tu_mHe toh khuda kar chale
gham tumHe chhoo na paaye du_aa kar chale
is she'er kaa rabt^ mujh par waaZ^eH nah ho sakaa.
Jis^m se rooh tak tum hee tum ho gaye
Ish^q men khud ko ham kyaa se kyaa kar chale
Waah!
Be_khudii me.n kahii.n uth gaye jo kadam
Yu.n hu_aa tum pe khud ko fanaa kar chale
Waah!
Baat hotii rahi chaa.nd kii jab kabhi
Naam le kar tera bas vafaa kar chale
Waah!
Jab hu_aa saamana jo tere hus^n se
Guf^tagoo ka sabhi silsila kar chale
ise Saaf karne kee Z^aroorat hai.
Kyu.n na haasil hu_aa noor tum sa hame
Chaa.nd taare sabhi yeh gilaa kar chale
pHir yahi tay hu_a mehjabeeno me.n kuchh
Sab tere hus^n ko aaiinaa kar chale
Waah!
Hai gHazab noor tuu chaa.ndani jal gayi
Ham tumHe chaahne ki khata kar chale
Waah!
Koi tum sa nahii is jahaa.n me.n kahii.n
ham Dil-o-jaa.n tumhii par fida kar chale
Waah!
Zindagi jab meri chout khaati rahi
Tabbasum ko tere ham sifaa kar chale *
neeche waala miSra' beHer se nikal geya hai. "ham tabassum ko tere sifaa kar chale"
Ham taraste rahe bas Milan ke liye
Faasile zindagi ko kaza kar chale
Waah"
tashreef aawaree ke liye mamnoon hooN khush raheeN aor aate rahiye.
Wassalam
Muzaffar A Muzaffar
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jawaid badauni
- -
- Posts: 810
- Joined: Sat Jan 01, 2005 5:38 am
- Contact:
Azeezi Manu Saahab, tasleemat
aapki Ghazal dekhi. achchi koshish ki hai. isee tarah kahte rahiye aur yahaN bhejte rahiyega. mashq har shaKhS ko ek din achcha shayar bana deti hai.
Mundraja zel sher bohat achcha laga;
Koi tum sa nahii is jahaa.n me.n kahii.n
ham Dil-o-jaa.n tumhii par fida kar chale
Mundarjazel miSra aap ghalat "typ" kar gaye haiN
jiske sabab bewazn ho gaya hai. isko yuuN "type" kijiyega:
hum tabbasum ko tere sifaa kar chale
ummid hai aindah bhi aapka kalam paRhne ko milega.
aapka muKhliS
Jawaid Badauni
aapki Ghazal dekhi. achchi koshish ki hai. isee tarah kahte rahiye aur yahaN bhejte rahiyega. mashq har shaKhS ko ek din achcha shayar bana deti hai.
Mundraja zel sher bohat achcha laga;
Koi tum sa nahii is jahaa.n me.n kahii.n
ham Dil-o-jaa.n tumhii par fida kar chale
Mundarjazel miSra aap ghalat "typ" kar gaye haiN
jiske sabab bewazn ho gaya hai. isko yuuN "type" kijiyega:
hum tabbasum ko tere sifaa kar chale
ummid hai aindah bhi aapka kalam paRhne ko milega.
aapka muKhliS
Jawaid Badauni
Re: Jab se dekha tumhe toh khuda kar chale
Muzaffar Ahmad Muzaffar wrote:manu1979 wrote:Urdubandhan ke sabhii dosto.N ko manu kaa aadaab. Aaj badi muddat ke baad kuchh likhane ka man banaaya hai,aur vp bhi apni ek puraani kaavisih ko ghazal men tabdiil kar ke piash kar raha hoon.Aap sabhee dosto.N se iltiijaa hai kii is ghazal ko padh kar apnii qeemati raay se ise nawaaze.Maine is ghazal ko is tarah likha hai ki is ke qaafee sher ek dusare se juDe hue hai, yun samajh lijiye ki ek chhto see kahaane kehi kii koshish kee hai. ghazal kuchh yun hai
[align=center]jab se dekhaa tu_mHe toh khuda kar chale
gham tumHe chhoo na paaye du_aa kar chale
Jis^m se rooh tak tum hee tum ho gaye
Ish^q men khud ko ham kyaa se kyaa kar chale
Be_khudii me.n kahii.n uth gaye jo kadam
Yu.n hu_aa tum pe khud ko fanaa kar chale
Baat hotii rahi chaa.nd kii jab kabhi
Naam le kar tera bas vafaa kar chale
Jab hu_aa saamana jo tere hus^n se
Guf^tagoo ka sabhi silsila kar chale
Kyu.n na haasil hu_aa noor tum sa hame
Chaa.nd taare sabhi yeh gilaa kar chale
pHir yahi tay hu_a mehjabeeno me.n kuchh
Sab tere hus^n ko aaiinaa kar chale
Hai gHazab noor tuu chaa.ndani jal gayi
Ham tumHe chaahne ki khata kar chale
Koi tum sa nahii is jahaa.n me.n kahii.n
ham Dil-o-jaa.n tumhii par fida kar chale
Zindagi jab meri chout khaati rahi
Tabbasum ko tere ham sifaa kar chale
Ham taraste rahe bas Milan ke liye
Faasile zindagi ko kaza kar chale [/align]
aap ki raay ka muntzeer
manu
moHtaram Biradaram Manu SaaHib tasleemaat!
kaafee dinooN qabl aap kee Ghazal dekh lee thee lekin soochaa keh aaraam se likhooN gaa. aor yooN kuch taakheer hotee rahee. khaer ummeed hai mua'aaf farma deeN ge.
aap ke kheyaalaat dilkash aor qaabil-e-daad haiN. aor aap kee t^aba'ee milaan bhee Ghazal kee jaanib aap ko khenchtaa hai. lekin is silsilah meN mashq aor asaatizah kee kutub kaa mut^alea'h se bhalaa kise inkaar ho saktaa hai. koshish keejiye keh kuch waqt nikaal kar mut^aalea'h farma liya kareeN.
bilshubah aap kee Ghazal andaaZ dilkash hai. daad bhee haaZ^ir hai. lekin baa eeN hamah chand bateeN jo baHeCiyat-e-qaaree meHsoos hueeN haiN. likhe detaa hooN. jis kaa aap kee jaanib se Hukm bhee mila hai. keh apnee raeY se aagah kiya jaeY.
isee Ghazal se miltee jultee aek Ghazal jo Zabaan-e-zad-e-a'aam hai.
"faqeeranah aaeY Sada kar chale
miyaaN khush raho ham dua'aa kar chaleY"
yeh beHer mutaqaarib mucammin meHZoof meN hai. aap kee Ghazal jo Ghaaleba" isee Ghazal kaa dhemaa saa ranG apne andar rakhtee hai. agar aesaa hai. to koshish yeh karnee chahiye thee keh isee beHer meN aap koshish karte. aor isee zameen ke paband rehte. to kiyaa baat thee. khaer is Surat meN agar aap ab bhee koshish kareeN to Ghazal do aatishah ho saktee hai. agar ise muqarrarah meN Dhaalaa jaeY.
macala" is beHer kee shakl yeh hai.
fa oo' lun....fa oo' lun.....fa oo' lun....fa al=122...122...122..12
beHer kee yeh woh aaTh ruknee shakl hai jis meN meHZoof ZaHaaf "HaZaf" kaa a'mal kiya jataa hai. aor "fa oo' lun" se "lun" nikaal kar "fa oo' ko "fa al" se badal diya jataa hai.
ya'nee aap kee Ghazal agar is wazan par hotee to bohot dilkash ho taatee. aor yooN aSal Ghazal se aap kee wabastagee aor raGhbat kaa pataa bhee de detee.
jab se dekhaa tu_mHe toh khuda kar chale
gham tumHe chhoo na paaye du_aa kar chale
is she'er kaa rabt^ mujh par waaZ^eH nah ho sakaa.
Jis^m se rooh tak tum hee tum ho gaye
Ish^q men khud ko ham kyaa se kyaa kar chale
Waah!
Be_khudii me.n kahii.n uth gaye jo kadam
Yu.n hu_aa tum pe khud ko fanaa kar chale
Waah!
Baat hotii rahi chaa.nd kii jab kabhi
Naam le kar tera bas vafaa kar chale
Waah!
Jab hu_aa saamana jo tere hus^n se
Guf^tagoo ka sabhi silsila kar chale
ise Saaf karne kee Z^aroorat hai.
Kyu.n na haasil hu_aa noor tum sa hame
Chaa.nd taare sabhi yeh gilaa kar chale
pHir yahi tay hu_a mehjabeeno me.n kuchh
Sab tere hus^n ko aaiinaa kar chale
Waah!
Hai gHazab noor tuu chaa.ndani jal gayi
Ham tumHe chaahne ki khata kar chale
Waah!
Koi tum sa nahii is jahaa.n me.n kahii.n
ham Dil-o-jaa.n tumhii par fida kar chale
Waah!
Zindagi jab meri chout khaati rahi
Tabbasum ko tere ham sifaa kar chale *
neeche waala miSra' beHer se nikal geya hai. "ham tabassum ko tere sifaa kar chale"
Ham taraste rahe bas Milan ke liye
Faasile zindagi ko kaza kar chale
Waah"
tashreef aawaree ke liye mamnoon hooN khush raheeN aor aate rahiye.
Wassalam
Muzaffar A Muzaffar
mohtaram Muzaffar A Muzaffar sahaab aap ka kis kis zubaan se shukriyaah adaa karoon yeh mujhe samajh nahii aata, aap ne jis dariyaadilli se mujh naacheezz ki ghazal par apni rehnumaayii ki barsaat barsaayi hai dil padh kar sach me baag baag ho gayaa, Mai behad sharmindaa hoon kii aap ke is khat ka jawaab itne din baad de rahaa hoon, magar aap ne jis umdaa saleeke se merii hosala afsaayi ki hai us ke liye aap ka tah-e-dil se mamnoon.
daraaz arsa huaa hai is ghazal ko likhe hue magar aap ki baat bilkul hee duroost hai janaab yeh ghazal jo 212 212 212 212 mai maine kahi hai magar is ki neev(base) meri hii ek ghazal jo ki 122 122 122 12 (beHer mutaqaarib mucammin meHZoofpar) se likhi hai, mai aap ke saath yaha vo ghazal share karna chaahta hoon. aap yaha dekh paayenge kii dono ghazale ek doosre se maanfii hai, 122/122/122/12.......waali ghazal hai vo poori tarah nafrat aur bevafaayi ke jazbaat bayan karti hai.
ghazal kuchh yun hai janaab jo ki poori tarah se maine 1-2 maheene pehle 122-122-122-12
me.n likhane ki koshish ki thii,
Vafa is kadar voh adaa kar chale
Merii zindagi ko kazaa kar chale
Na Qeemat lagayai na sauda kiya
Mila daam toh faisala kar chale
Mile dost chaahe ya dushman mile
lagaa kar gale ham duaa kar chale
Thi shiddat vafaa men meri is kadar
Sanam bevafa ko khuda kar chale
Liya apne dil se hi paadaaSH* khud
Ye rashm-e-mahobbat nibha kar chale
diye zindagii ne hame zakhm jab
tabassum ko tere shifa kar chale
Huaa gham se yun aasana is kadar
Khushii kii nazar se bacha kar chale
Va1 faa2 is2 ka1dar2 voh2 a1daa2 kar2 cha1 le2
Me1 ri2 zin2 da1gi2 ko2 ka1 zaa2 kar2 cha1 le2
Na1 Qee2 mat2 la1 gaa2 yii2 na1 sau2 daa2 ki1yaa2
Mi1 laa2 daa2 m1 toh2 fai2 sa1 la2 kar2 cha1 le2
Mi1 le2 dos2 t1 chaa2 he2 ya1 dush2 man2 mi1 le2
Ga1 le2 se2 la1 gaa2 kar2 du1 aa2 kar2 cha1 le2
Thi1 shii2 dat2 va1 faa2 men2 me1ri2 is2 ka1 dar2
Sa1nam2 be2 wa1 fa2 ko2 khu1 daa2 kar2 cha1 le2
aap dono ghazalo ko compare karenge to aap ko ilm ho jaayega, maine jab yeh 122-122-122-12 waali ghazal mere ek dost ko sunaayi toh us ne mujhe kaha ki manu itna nafrat bhara aur udaase bhara mat likho kuchh romantic likho to maine phir 212 212 212 212 (behr-e-mootdariik-musamman saalim) men ghazal likhi jis par aap ne dariyaadilli se meri rehnumaayii kii hai .haalaaki maine radeef ko same rakha hai dono ghazal me 'kar Chale" just kafiyaa ko thoraa change kiyaa hai
magar kaafe jagah chook huii hai jis ka reason yeh hai ki merii juban urdu nahi hai magar mai us ko improve karne ki koshish bhi kar raha hoon.
filhaal izazat chahta hoon
khudaa haafis
regards
manu