ghazal: ghaur se daikho agar tum zindagi ke daa'ire

[naheedv]

aadaab yaaraan.e.meHfil,

buhat din ke ba'd meHfil meN kuch apnaa likhaa paish karne kaa moqa' milaa hai. mashaa'Allah ab tau itne qaabil sukhanwar jama' ho gaye haiN ke un sab kaa kalaam paRh paRh kar hee dil khush ho jaataa hai.
bahar.kaif, ye aik taazah koshish hai, umeed hai ke pasaNd aaye gee. aur haaN, mujhe ye kehne kee zaroorat tau naheeN honee chaahiye ke aap sab kee raa'ye kaa intezaar rahe gaa

--------------
GHAZAL
--------------


1.
Ghaur se daikho agar tum ziNdagee ke daa'ire
be.basee ke daa'ire haiN be.basee ke daa'ire
2.
aaNkh meN phaile haiN jo namee ke daa'ire
un ke aNdar simTe haiN teree kamee ke daa'ire
3.
gh`aire rehte haiN mujhe yooN roshanee ke daa'ire
teri khushboo meN hoN jaise chaaNdanee ke daa'ire
4.
muddatoN ke ba'd khushboo ne ki mujh se guftagoo
muddatoN ke ba'd mehke ziNdagee ke daa'ire
5.
bh`oolne kaa uss ko jab bhee maiN iraadah kartee hooN
bolne lagte haiN mujh meN be.basee ke daa'ire
6.
ik namee aavaaz meN hai, ik namee palkoN pe hai
aur uss meN tairte haiN khaamashee ke daa'ire
7.
maiN rafaaqat kee kahaanee bhee likhooN tau kyaa likhooN
khastagee ke daa'ire yaa teeragee ke daa'ire
8.
bas mire eHsaas kee dewaar hee girtee naheeN!
waise tau har shai se jhaaNkeN khastagee ke daa'ire



mukhliS
Naheed

[Ibn-e-siddique]

Naheed saHiba:

salaam arz hai

aik taveel arse baa'd aap ki jaanib se kuch sun'ne ka mauqa milaa.

aap ki ye ghazal ba.radeef-e-"daaire" hameN pasand aayee :)

aap ne is mushkil zameen meiN bahot ache ash'aar kahe haiN

khaaksaar ki jaanib se daad qubool farmaaiN

jo ash'aar zyaada pasand aaye, vo ye haiN :

aaNkh meN phaile haiN jo namee ke daa'ire
un ke aNdar simTe haiN teree kamee ke daa'ire

muddatoN ke ba'd khushboo ne ki mujh se guftagoo
muddatoN ke ba'd mehke ziNdagee ke daa'ire

bh`oolne kaa uss ko jab bhee maiN iraadah kartee hooN
bolne lagte haiN mujh meN be.basee ke daa'ire

maiN rafaaqat kee kahaanee bhee likhooN tau kyaa likhooN
khastagee ke daa'ire yaa teeragee ke daa'ire

bas mire eHsaas kee dewaar hee girtee naheeN!
waise tau har shai se jhaaNkeN khastagee ke daa'ire

umeed hai aainda aap baa.qaaidgi se apna kalaam sunaati raheN gi

sadaa khush raheN


amjad

[zmufti]

Naheed jee
Aap ki ghazal buhat pasand aayii
aap ka aandaz-e-bayaN buhat munfarid hai
thanks for sharing
zmufti

[Sarwar A. Raz]

muHtaramah Naheed SaaHebah: aadaab

aap kee Ghazal kee zameen bohat dilkash hai aur Khayaal-aafreenee ke muKhtalif dar waa kartee hai. aap ne is ke imkaanaat ko nibh`aane kee achh`ee koshish kee hai. meree daad qubool keejiYe.

mujh` se kuch` dostoN ko shikaayat hai keh maiN tanqeed bohat kartaa hooN. yeh ab tak kisee ne naheeN kahaa hai keh yeh tanqeed ta'meeree naheeN hotee hai! tanqeed ko bardaasht karne ke liYe har shaKhS taiyyaar naheeN hotaa hai. z^aahir hai keh har shaa,i'r ko apnee taKhleeq a'zeez hotee hai aur us par nuktah-cheenee se dil kuRh`taa hai. ittifaaq aisaa hai keh maiN jin Urdu meHfiloN meN jaataa hooN wahaaN koyee aur shaKhS siwaaYe :rasmee waah waah: ke aur kuch` naheeN kartaa hai (illaa maashaa-Allah!). gaahe gaahe koyee tabSirah naz^ar aa jaataa hai lekin woh :ba-qadr-e-baadaam: hee dekh`aa gayaa hai!

meree mushkil yeh hai keh :waah waah: keh dene se nah Sirf yeh keh meree apnee tashaffee naheeN hotee hai bal.k shaai'r ke saath` naa-inSaafee kaa eHsaas bh`ee hotaa hai. agar maiN yeh samjh`ooN (chaahe Ghalat^ hee samjh`ooN!) keh kaheeN behtaree mumkin hai to Khaamoshee se apnee raah lenaa mere liYe naa-mumkin ho jaataa hai. aap kee is Ghazal ke saath` bh`ee aisaa hee pesh aayaa hai. maiN jo kuch` likh` rahaa hooN us ko az-raah-e-karam :tanqeed/iSlaaH/nuktah-cheenee: kee qism kee koyee cheez nah samjh`eN. agar in ma'rooZ^aat ko aap :fikr ba-aawaaz-e-baland: (thinking out loud!) samajh` kar paRh` leN to i'naayat ho gee.

t^ai kar chukaa hooN raah-e-muHabbat ke marHale
is se ziyaadah Haajat-e-sharH-o-bayaaN naheeN (Raz Chandpuri)

jahaaN Ghazal meN Khayaalaat aur istia'aroN meN taazagee aur infiraadiyat naz^ar aayee waheeN bayaan jaa-ba-jaa kamzor bh`ee meHsoos huwaa. maiN aap ke Khayaalaat ko apne andaaz meN baaNdh kar likh` rahaa hooN. ummeed hai keh kam se kam is meHnat se aap par nayee sochoN ke kh`ulne kaa imkaan hai. ijaazat hai?
------------------------------------
1.
Ghaur se daikho agar tum ziNdagee ke daa'ire
be.basee ke daa'ire haiN be.basee ke daa'ire

achh`aa she'r hai. daad HaaZ^ir hai. haaN is meN acar kee kamee hai. :Ghaur se dekh`o: behtaree chaahataa hai aur doosraa miSra' bh`ee zor-t^alab meHsoos huwaa. yeh shakl dekh`iYe:

dekh` to lillaah! meree zindagee ke daa,ire!
be-kasee ke daa,ire, be-chaaragee ke daa,ire!
---------------------------------
2.
aaNkh meN phaile huwe haiN jo namee ke daa'ire
un ke aNdar simTe haiN teree kamee ke daa'ire

Khayaal yaqeena" u'mdah hai. doosraa miSra' bohat kamzor lagaa. ek naz^ar aur dekh` leN. maiN shaayad yooN kehtaa:

jo naz^ar aate haiN palkoN par namee ke daa,ire
sab haiN teree aarzoo, teree kamee ke daa,ire!
---------------------------------
3.
gh`aire rehte haiN mujhe yooN roshanee ke daa'ire
teri khushboo meN hoN jaise chaaNdanee ke daa'ire

yeh she'r waZ^aaHat chaahataa hai. alfaaz^ KhoobSoorat haiN lekin ma'nee Saaf naheeN haiN aur donoN miSro'N kaa rabt^ bh`ee mushtabah ho kar reh gayaa hai. :Khushboo meN chaandnee kee daa,ire:, ya'nee kyaa? ek shakl yeh mumkin hai:

is t^araH gh`ere haiN mujh` ko raushanee ke daa,ire
jaise Khushboo meN base hoN chaandanee ke daa,ire!
---------------------------------
4.
muddatoN ke ba'd khushboo ne ki mujh se guftagoo
muddatoN ke ba'd mehke ziNdagee ke daa'ire

pehle miSre' meN :kee: kee :ye: buree t^araH dab rahee hai. she'r bohat achh`aa hai. daad qubool keejiYe. aur she'r yooN kahiYe:

muddatoN ke ba'd kee khushboo ne mujh se guftagoo
muddatoN ke ba'd mehke ziNdagee ke daa'ire
-------------------------------------
5.
bh`oolne kaa uss ko jab bhee maiN iraadah kartee hooN
bolne lagte haiN mujh meN be.basee ke daa'ire

pehlaa miSra' ulajh` gayaa hai. ta'qeed ko aasaanee se yooN door kar sakte haiN:

jab bh`ee us ko bh`oolne kaa mujh` ko aataa hai Khayaal
bolne lagte haiN mujh meN be.basee ke daa'ire
------------------------------
6.
ik namee aavaaz meN hai, ik namee palkoN pe hai
aur uss meN tairte haiN khaamashee ke daa'ire

aap yeh maZ^moon (:namee: kaa) oopar likh` chukee haiN. doosre miSre' meN :tairate: woh kaifiyyat naheeN adaa kar rahaa hai jis kee yahaaN Z^aroorat hai:

ik namee aavaaz meN hai, ik namee palkoN pe hai
aur larzaaN har t^araf haiN khaamashee ke daa'ire
---------------------------------
7.
maiN rafaaqat kee kahaanee bhee likhooN tau kyaa likhooN
khastagee ke daa'ire yaa teeragee ke daa'ire

pehle miSre' meN :bh`ee: kee jagah :gar: hotaa to behtar th`aa. yaa zor-e-bayaan ke Hawaale se kuch` yooN ho saktaa hai:

kyaa likh`ooN maiN qiSSah-e-maaZ^ee ke zaKhmee naam par?
khastagee ke daa'ire? yaa teeragee ke daa'ire?
--------------------------------
8.
bas mire eHsaas kee dewaar hee girtee naheeN!
waise tau har shai se jhaaNkeN khastagee ke daa'ire

achh`aa Khayaal hai. :har shai: ko badal deN?

bas mire eHsaas kee dewaar hee girtee naheeN!
warnah har patth`ar se jhaaNkeN khastagee ke daa'ire
=========================
aaKhir meN ek baat aur kehtaa chalooN. agar meree is teHreer se aap ko koyaa faa,idah nah bh`ee poNhchaa to nuqSaan to yaqeena" naheeN ho gaa. mazeed yeh ke kisee aur naye likh`ne waale ko shaayad faa,idah ho jaaYe!. agar ek shaKhS bh`ee is se kisee Had tak mustafeed ho sakaa to yooN samajh`iYe keh :mer paise wuSool ho jaaYeN ge:!

Khush rahiYe!

Sarwar A. Raz "Sarwar"

[jawaid badauni]

MohtarmaH Naheed SahibaH
Tasleemaat

Sub se pahle to maiN aap ko ek nihayat dushwaar zameen meN Ghazal kahne per dili mubarakbaad pesh karta hooN. "Daa.irey" radeef ko nibhana itna aasan kaam na tha, jis meN aap ko baRee hud tak kaamyabee mili hai.

Chund mis'rey safaaii chaahte the jo kaam ek buzurg shayar ne kar hi diya hai. Kool milakar ek nihayat kamyaab ghazal aur "radeef" ke moAAmley meN aapki diqqat pasandee qabil-e Sud-daad haiN.

Zindabad Naheed Bahin,

Khulooskaar,
Jawaid Badauni

[naheedv]

Amjad ji
salaam,

aap kee hosla afzaayee ke liye mamnoon hooN.
isee hosla afzaayee kaa hee ye acar hai jo mujh se mushkil se mushkil tareen "zameen" meN ghazal likhwaatee hai warna tau
"maiN kahaaN aur ye vabaal kahaaN"

zameen qadre mushkil caabit huyee magar chooNke maiN poori tayaaree ke saath kamara.e.imtehaan meN aati hooN tau mushkil qadre aasaan ho jaati hai ;)

Zarqa ji,
aap ko ghazal pasaNd aayee, iss se dil khush huvaa.
Pleae meraa shukriya qubool kijiye!

shukriya
Naheed

[naheedv]

MohtarmaH Naheed SahibaH
Tasleemaat

Sub se pahle to maiN aap ko ek nihayat dushwaar zameen meN Ghazal kahne per dili mubarakbaad pesh karta hooN. "Daa.irey" radeef ko nibhana itna aasan kaam na tha, jis meN aap ko baRee hud tak kaamyabee mili hai.

Chund mis'rey safaaii chaahte the jo kaam ek buzurg shayar ne kar hi diya hai. Kool milakar ek nihayat kamyaab ghazal aur "radeef" ke moAAmley meN aapki diqqat pasandee qabil-e Sud-daad haiN.

Zindabad Naheed Bahin,

Khulooskaar,
Jawaid Badauni

aadaab Jawaid Bhai,

aap kee hosla afzaayee ke liye buhat shukriya! mujhey buhat khushi huyee ke aap ko meree ye koshish.e.naakaam pasaNd aayee.

aap ne bajaa kahaa ke mohtaram Sarwar saahab ne buhat ache tariqe se apnee tanqid paish kee hai jis ko maiN hamesha hee saraahati hooN ke isee taraH seekhane kee nayee raaheN khultee haiN.

aap kee tavajjoh ke liye aik baar phir shukirya!

mukhliS
Naheed

[naheedv]

Moharam Sarwar saahab,
aadaab,

Mujhey ye jaan kar az.had khushee huyee hai ke aap ko meree iss ghazal kee zameen pasaNd aayee hai. Aap kee daad ke liye mamnoon hooN.

jahaaN tak tanqeed kee baat hai tau maiN ne aap aur dusre dostoN kee tanqeed se buhat kuch` seekhaa hai aur buhat kuch` abhee seekh`naa baaqi hai. maiN ne hameshah yahi koshish kee hai ke maiN apnee takhleeq par hone waalee ta’meeree tanqeed kaa khule dil se khair.maqdam karooN. kyoN ke mere nazdeek aik yahee zaree’a hai jis se maiN apnee shaa’iree meN mojood khaamiyoN par qaaboo paa saktee hooN. Magar aisaa kabhee naheeN huvaa hai ke maiN fuzool meN hi apnaa dil jalaatee rahooN ke meree ghazal par itnee nukta.cheenee kyoN huyee.
haaN, ba’z dafah aisaa hotaa hai ke maiN samajhtee hooN ( jo ke ghalat bhee ho saktaa hai) ke meraa apnaa khyaal/she’r zeyaadah behtar hai banisbat islah shuda she’r ke, tau koshish phir bhee yahi kartee hooN ke usi khayaal ko bar.qaraar rakhte huve maiN uss kee khaami par qaaboo paa looN.
Agar kabhee mujhe aisaa meHsoos huvaa ke maiN samjhooN ke ab maiN ne sab kuchh seekh liyaa hai lehazah koyee meree akhliq par tanqeed na kare tau wohi maqaam mere liye :fall back: ho gaa.
maiN ne hameshah hee aap kee tanqeed/nuktah.cheenee ko khush.aamdeed kahaa hai, iss liye dil buraa karne kaa sawaal hi naheeN uThtaa hai

ab aate haiN aap kee tanqeed kee taraf

1. daad ke liye shukriya haazir hai.
Aap ne matle’ kee jo Soorat paish kee hai, voh qaabil.e.sad.teHseen hai.
Magar iss se mere she’r ke khayaal aur aap ke khayaal meN farq paR geyaa hai. maiN apne khayaal meN “zindagee” (as itself) ke daa’ire kehnaa chaah rahee thee.
Aap ke sh’er meN ye “personal” ho geyaa hai, jo ke aisaa buraa bhee naheeN hai. Tau ab mujhey ye tai karnaa hai ke maiN kis par mutma’in hoti hooN.

Agar maiN iss she’r ko yooN kahooN tau kaisaa rahe gaa:
Dekhiye tau aap meree zindagee ke daa’ire
Be.kasee ke daa’ire haiN, be.basee ke daa’ire
---------------------------------
2.
Khyaal aap ko pasaNd aayaa, shukriya!
maiN ne aap kee tajveez maan lee hai aur she’r ko is badal detee hooN!
---------------------------------
3.

---------------------------------
4.
yahaaN 1st misre’ ko maiN ne pehle iss taraH hee likhaa thaa jaise aap ne kahaa hai, magar mujhey “ba’d kee” saath saath kuch bhale naheeN meHsoos huve thay, magar khair ab aap ne tajzeez kiyaa hai tau aise hee kar letee hooN.

---------------------------------
5.
yahaaN main pehlaa misra’ agar yooN kahooN tau kaisaa rahe gaa:

jab bhee us ko bhoolne kaa maiN iraadah kartee hooN
bolne lagte haiN mujh meN be.basee ke daa'ire

------------------------------
6.
Iss she’r ke pehle misre ko tau maiN ne naheeN badlaa, haaN magar dusre misre ko agar yooN kar dooN tau?

ik namee aavaaz meN hai, ik namee palkoN pe hai
Aur us meN bolte haiN khaamashi ke daa’ire
---------------------------------
7.
yahaaN maiN ne “bhee” ko “gar” se badal diyaa hai

maiN rafaaqat kee kahaanee gar likhooN tau kyaa likhooN ?
khastagee ke daa'ire? yaa teeragee ke daa'ire?
--------------------------------
8.
Khayaal pasaNd aayaa, shukriya!
Iss she’r par ghaur kartee hooN. yahaaN mujhey “warnah har patth`ar” kuch dil ko naheeN bhaayaa magar maiN mazeed iss par sochti hooN.


Aap jaane aisaa kyoN samajhte haiN ke aap kee tehreeroN se hameN faa’idah naheeN hotaa hai, kisi aur ko be.shak na hotaa ho, kam az kam maiN tau in se be.bahaa seekhtee hooN.
Aap jis lagan aur muhabbat se ye kaam karte haiN, voh qaabil.e.sitaa’ish hai aur maiN umeed kartee hooN ke aap isee tarah ye safar jaaree rakheN ge, inshaa’Allah!
Aap ke iss bhar.poor tanqeed kaa dil se shukriya! 8)

Mukhlis
Naheed

[naheedv]

naheedji aapke is jumle ne mujhe muskuraane per majboor kerdiya, dear aapne hamesha hi apna likha kalaam humse share kiya hai na

Sara ji, aap ne khoob meree baat pakaRee hai aur aik lihaaz se mujhe laa.jawaab bhee kar diyaa hai. ab bhalaa maiN apnee safaayee meN kahooN tau kayaa kahooN?


Naheed ji aapne to dil nikaal ker rakhdiya hai is ghazal mein, aisa andaaz bohat kam dekhne milta hai. narm, shaistagi aur khoobsurti se bharpoor is ghazal per hazaaron daad qubool keejiye.

Sara ji, aap ne tau mushkil meN Daal diyaa hai iss qadar ta'rif kar ke! ab bhalaa maiN kahaaN iss eHsaan ko utaar sakooN gee!
ye aap kaa a'ala zoq hai bus aur kuch naheeN!
maiN buhat shukr.guzaar hooN aap kee hosla afzaayee kee :)

buhat shukriya
Naheed

[Sarwar A. Raz]

Naheed SaaHebah: aadaab!

Khat^ ke mufaSSil jawaab ke liYe mamnoon hooN. aisee guftgoo meN beHc ko t^ool dene se u'mooma" koyee faa,idah naheeN hotaa hai. agar maiN apnee tajaaweez ke Haq meN koyee daleel dooN bh`ee to aap ke paas us kee jawaabee daleel maujood ho gee! nateejah?, "wohee Dhaak ke teen paat"!

jin tajaaweez se aap muttafiq haiN maiN un ke liYe maiN aap kaa shukr-guZaar hooN aur jahaaN aap ko iKhtilaaf hai wahaaN mujh` ko mazeed kuch` aur naheeN kehnaa hai. aap apne mauqif par qaa,im rahiYe. aap kaa apnee koshish se mut^ma,in rehnaa aur sab cheezoN se ziyaadah Z^arooree hai!

Khush rahiYe!

dua'a-go

Sarwar A. Raz "Sarwar"