Guzarish 7 ki Tarhi Ghazal

[Mahtab Qadr]

Janab Jawaid Badauni sahib ki khawhish par fauran kahi ghai aik tarhi ghazal

"khul ke mil bas moN chupaana chorde"
yaar meray tu bahaana chorhde

zakhm merey, dene walaa bhi meraa
kaise kahdoN aana jaana chorhde

kia bajuz ruswaai kuch hasil huva
raaz AoroN ko bataana chorhde

qaid ho jaane ka andeshaaa sahi
kia kabootar aab o daana chorhde

apna ghar kisko nahia hota azeez
kaise koi aashiyaana chorhde

[jawaid badauni]

Azeezi Mahtab Qadr Sahab, Salam-e Masnoon

Iss baar Mushaaireh meN jald tashreef laane ke liye shukriya. Bus aap yahaN tak pahooNchne meN mujhe se zara hi peeche rah gaye.Ghazal muKhtacar hai magar achchee hai. Tamam ashAAr pasaNd aaye.

MaiN aapki kaii GhazaloN per tabsara karna chaahta tha magar iss Khadshe ke pesh-e nazar himmat nah hoii keh shayad kahiN nagawaare Khatir nah ho jaye. Aaj aap ne apna samjha to maiN bhi aap ko apna samjh kar apne tees salah she'ree tajurbe ke pesh-e nazar apne nacheez mashware bhej raha hooN. Aap per koii dabao nahiN keh aap unheN tasleem farmayeN. Yaqeenan mera Khyaal ghalat bhi ho sakta hai.


Mukhlis
Jawaid Badauni



khul ke mil bas moN chupaana chorde"
yaar meray tu bahaana chorhde

Achchee tazmeen ki hai magar nah jane kyooN misrA-e oola meN ye "tu" ka lafz achcha nahiN lag raha hai. Ise kisi bhi tarah nikal den too mere Khyaal meN bahtar hoga,masAlaN, "Ab nah milne ka bahana choR de."

zakhm merey, dene walaa bhi meraa
kaise kahdoN aana jaana chorhde

MaiN ne aana-jana istaimal kiya tha mujhe Khooshee hai aap ne bhi istaimAl kiya hai. Magar aap ke she'r meN donoN misAroN ka rabt maiN nahiN samajh paa raha hooN. Kuch wazahat farmaaiyega.

kia bajuz ruswaai kuch hasil huva
raaz AoroN ko bataana chorhde

Bahut hi haseen Khiyaal hai. Bus pahle misAre ko thoda sa saaf karne ki zaroorat hai. MaiN iss masAre ko shayad yooN kahta, "Baat ghar ki ghar ke aaNgan tak rahe."

qaid ho jaane ka andeshaaa sahi
kia kabootar aab o daana chorhde

Nihayat munfarid mazmoon hai. Kya kahna. Bus pahle misArey meN "sahi' ka lafz mujhe sahi' nahiN lag raha. MaiN kahta to shayad yooN kahta," Qaid ho jane ka Khadsaha hai magar"

apna ghar kisko nahia hota azeez
kaise koi aashiyaana chorhde

MaiN aap ki jagah hota to pahla misAra shayad yooN kahta,

Apna ghar Mahtaab phir hai apna ghar, ya,
Apna ghar ai Qadr phir hai apna ghar




[/b][/color][/size][/quote]

[Mahtab Qadr]

Jawaid Badauni Sahib
Salaam e masnoon
Isqadar Izzat afzai aur giraNqadr tabsire ke lye mashkoor hoN. darasl peeche nahi rahgaya balke yoN samajh leiN tarhi ghazleiN umaman nahi kahta hoN, aisa shaaz o nadir hi hota hai, warna aapse mera kia muqabila ke mai aage peeche ki baat karoN. ekhtecar pasand tool naveec nahi magar ghazaleiN umooman mukhtacir hi kahta hoN. pasandeedgi ka dobara shukria.
GhazloN par tabsira kabhi bhi giraani ka sabab kaise ban sakta hai jab ke ye aik khalis ilmi guftagu ka muamila hai (agarche mai apne ko is ka ahl nahi samajhta) aray bhai mai ne to aapko kabhi ghair samjha hi nahi ,aap hi khawmakhaw ....khair yahaN is guftagu ka mahal nahi.
yaqeenan aapke 30 saala sheri tajarbe se istefaada mere lye bhi bayes e ektesaab e faiz hi hoga. waise bhi mai ne kabhi ye nahi kaha,
"MUSTANAD HAI MERA FARMAAYA HUVA"
na hi kabhi mai ne is baat ka tazkira ksi se kia ke mujhe shergui ka kitna tajarba hai kioN ke tajarbe khud bolte haiN iske izhaar ki zaroorat nahi hoti. baharhaal aap ke qeemti mashware mere lye khushi ka bayes haiN.
niazmand
Mahtab Qadr

Azeezi Mahtab Qadr Sahab, Salam-e Masnoon

Iss baar Mushaaireh meN jald tashreef laane ke liye shukriya. Bus aap yahaN tak pahooNchne meN mujhe se zara hi peeche rah gaye.Ghazal muKhtacar hai magar achchee hai. Tamam ashAAr pasaNd aaye.

MaiN aapki kaii GhazaloN per tabsara karna chaahta tha magar iss Khadshe ke pesh-e nazar himmat nah hoii keh shayad kahiN nagawaare Khatir nah ho jaye. Aaj aap ne apna samjha to maiN bhi aap ko apna samjh kar apne tees salah she'ree tajurbe ke pesh-e nazar apne nacheez mashware bhej raha hooN. Aap per koii dabao nahiN keh aap unheN tasleem farmayeN. Yaqeenan mera Khyaal ghalat bhi ho sakta hai.


Mukhlis
Jawaid Badauni



khul ke mil bas moN chupaana chorde"
yaar meray tu bahaana chorhde

Achchee tazmeen ki hai magar nah jane kyooN misrA-e oola meN ye "tu" ka lafz achcha nahiN lag raha hai. Ise kisi bhi tarah nikal den too mere Khyaal meN bahtar hoga,masAlaN, "Ab nah milne ka bahana choR de."
Ji aapka misra bahut shusta hai, magar mai jo barjastagi is misre mai laana chahta tha vo ,yaar meray se hi paida ho sakti hai ,mere khyal mai.

zakhm merey, dene walaa bhi meraa
kaise kahdoN aana jaana chorhde

MaiN ne aana-jana istaimal kiya tha mujhe Khooshee hai aap ne bhi istaimAl kiya hai. Magar aap ke she'r meN donoN misAroN ka rabt maiN nahiN samajh paa raha hooN. Kuch wazahat farmaaiyega.
zaher hai tarhi ghazloN mai aisa hota hai isteyare aur alfaaz ke istemal ki takraar koi aib nahi. ji mai ne is khyal ko yoN samjha hai ke aik shaks mera apna hai aur usi ne mujhe zakhm diye haiN , jab vo apna hi ho to us se tark e marasim kaise karlia jaye ya usay aana jaana milna milaana kaise chordia jaye.

kia bajuz ruswaai kuch hasil huva
raaz AoroN ko bataana chorhde

Bahut hi haseen Khiyaal hai. Bus pahle misAre ko thoda sa saaf karne ki zaroorat hai. MaiN iss masAre ko shayad yooN kahta, "Baat ghar ki ghar ke aaNgan tak rahe."
baat ghar ki ghar mai rahna acha mahavira hai magar yahaN muamila dosra hai, mujhe ye wazeh karna hai ke apne raaz dosroN tak pahoNchaa aadmi aksar auqat zaleel o ruswa karta hai. aapka misra bhi acha hai magar vo sirf ehtiaat ki dawat de raha hai jab ke mai anjaam se mutanabbah kar raha hoN.

qaid ho jaane ka andeshaaa sahi
kia kabootar aab o daana chorhde

Nihayat munfarid mazmoon hai. Kya kahna. Bus pahle misArey meN "sahi' ka lafz mujhe sahi' nahiN lag raha. MaiN kahta to shayad yooN kahta," Qaid ho jane ka Khadsaha hai magar"
aapke misre se poori tarah muttafiq hoN. shukria

apna ghar kisko nahia hota azeez
kaise koi aashiyaana chorhde

MaiN aap ki jagah hota to pahla misAra shayad yooN kahta,

Apna ghar Mahtaab phir hai apna ghar, ya,
Apna ghar ai Qadr phir hai apna ghar
aapne Maqta kahne ki zahmat farmai ,shukria


MAHTAB QADR[/b][/color][/size]

[/quote]

[Abdullah Nazir]

MuHtarami
Mahtab Qadr Saahib.

Purkhuloos Tasleemaat,

Aapki ghazal majmooAi Taur per pasand aayi. Achche sheAr nikaale heiN aap ne. Meri apni raaye hasb-e-zeil hei jis se aapka muttafiq hounaa zaroori nahiN hei

((khul ke mil bas moN chupaana chorde"
yaar meray tu bahaana chorhde ))

TaraHi misreA ko pahle aur girah ko doosre misreA kii haiciat se isteAmaal karne kii mumaaniAat kaa kahiN zikr nahiN hei lekin Aam Taur per girah ko TaraHi misreA se pahle isteAmaal kiyaa jaataa hei.
Dekhne meiN aapke misreA meiN lafz "tuu" ziyaadah yaa Hashvo maloom houtaa hei mukhaaTibat ke liHaaz se lekin is meiN aisaa nahiN. Micaal ke Taur per ham mandarja-e-zeil ashAar pesh karsakte heiN:
Mumin:
"nah jaaoungaa kabhi jannat meiN maiN nah jaaoungaa
agar nah houvegaa naqshah tumhaare ghar kaa saa"
Aatish:
"Naatavaani ne yeh Haalat miri pahonchaayi hei
do qadam maiN jo chalooN saikRoN manzil dauRaa"
Ghalib:
"Apne dil hii se maiN aHvaal-e-giraftaariy-e-dil
jab nah paaouN koii ghamkhwaar kahooN yaa nah kahooN"
"mat pooch ke kyaa Haal hei meraa tire peeche
tuu dekh ke kyaa Haal hei meraa tire aage"
Zauq:
"Kushta-e-dast-e-Hinaayi hooN mire marqad per
phool do haath se, tuu apne miri jaan chaRhaa"
"zehe naseeb ke hangaam-e-mashq-e-teer-e-sitam
hamaare Dher ko tum toudah khaak kaa samjhou"
MusHafi:
"kis rang kaa thaa kushtah ke ayyam-e-bahaaraaN
bulbul ko taRaptaa, maiN khayaabaan meiN dekhaa"
"kal qaafila-e-nakhat-e-gul hougaa ravaanah
mat chouRiyou tuu saath naseem-e-saHari kaa"


((zakhm merey, dene walaa bhi miraa
kaise kahdoN aana jaana chorhde ))

SheAr bahut achchaa hei. Doosre misreA meiN (usko) samajh meiN aajaataa hei yani (usko kaise kehdooN ke aanaa jaanaa chouRde). Albattah lafz aanaa ke Harf "alif" ko nahiN giraanaa chaahiye baqaul Shamsurrahman Faarouqi ke, unki kitaab "aahang Arooz aur bayaan" ke SafHae 62 per. Kehte heiN ke 2 sabab-e-khafeef per mushtamil lafz meiN "alif" kaa suqoot gawaaraa nahiN houtaa hei.

((kia bajuz ruswaai kuch hasil huva
raaz AoroN ko bataana chorhde ))

Yeh sheAr bhii bahut achchaa hei. Pahle misreA meiN aek Haqeeqat bayaan kii gaiee hei aur usi ke nateejeh meiN doosre misreA meiN naseehat dii gaiie hei. Lafz auraoN yaa ghairaoN dounoN mustaAmal heiN.

((qaid ho jaane ka andeshaaa sahi
kia kabootar aab o daana chorhde ))

Yeh sheAr bhii bahut achcha hei aur vaazeH hei. Iatiraaz us waqt kiyaa jaataa hei jab ke koii naqs yaa Aib waarid houaa hou. Albattah her shaayer kaa andaaz-e-bayaan mukhtalif housaktaa hei.

((apna ghar kisko nahiN hota azeez
kaise koi aashiyaana chorhde))

Yeh sheAr bhii vaazeh hei aur bahut khoob hei aapke apne andaaz-e-bayaan ke liHaaz se.

Agar meri kisi baat se aapko ikhtilaaf hou tou bilaa jhijak likhiye taakeh meri maAloomaat meiN izaafah hou.


Aapka Mukhlis,

Nazir.

_________________

[Mahtab Qadr]

Mohatram o Mukarram Abdullah Bhai. salaam alaikum wa rahma
Aap ki beshbahaa raye aur qeemti tabsire ne ilm mai izaafa kia. behad mamnoon hoN . aap ne aik choti si ghazal ko apne is ilmi tabsire se izzat bakshi , ye aapke tabahhur e ilmi ka mazhar, aur mere lye bayes e izzat o iftekhaar hai. Allah aapko Jaza e Khair ata faramaye.
shukria
niazmand
Mahtab Qadr

[Hashmat Usmani]

salaam Mahtaab saaHib,

aapkii taraHii Ghazal nazar_guzaar huii aur paRh kar bahot lutf aayaa. har ek she'r aapkii umda shaa'irii kii Ghammaazii kartaa hai. buland Khayaal aur mazaameen nikaale haiN aapne. ek bahot hii umda Ghazal par merii taraf se mubaarakbaad qubool farmaaiye. share karne ka shukria.

mujhe Ghazal ke yeh ash'aar kuchh ziyaada bhaaye:

zakhm merey, dene walaa bhi meraa
kaise kahdoN aana jaana chorhde

kia bajuz ruswaai kuch hasil huva
raaz AoroN ko bataana chorhde

qaid ho jaane ka andeshaaa sahi
kia kabootar aab o daana chorhde

[Mahtab Qadr]

Hashmat Osmani sahib
Aap ka behad mashkoor hoN kioN Ke shukria ada karna
rasm e dunya bhi hai, mauqa bhi hai , dastoor bhi hai

mujhe bhi khud apni is ghazal ke do sher ziada achay lagay, balke hazb e haal bhi.

zakhm merey, dene walaa bhi meraa
kaise kahdoN aana jaana chorhde

kia bajuz ruswaai kuch hasil huva
raaz AoroN ko bataana chorhde

Khairandaish
MahtabQadr

[zmufti]

Mahtaab sahib
aapki ghazal buhat pasand aayii
khaas tor per yeh sher
kia bajuz ruswaai kuch hasil huva
raaz AoroN ko bataana chorhde
zmufti

[Mahtab Qadr]

saara sahiba is walihaana daad ke lye mashkoor hoN.
shukria
mahtab qadr

"

zakhm merey, dene walaa bhi meraa
kaise kahdoN aana jaana chorhde


qaid ho jaane ka andeshaaa sahi
kia kabootar aab o daana chorhde

apna ghar kisko nahi hota azeez
kaise koi aashiyaana chorhde

mahtab saahib,

salaam.

waah! bohat khoob is baar tou aapne bohat jald apna kalaam pesh kiye, daad aur mubarakbaad qubool keejiye.

ooper quotes ashaar bohat pasand aaye hain.

sara

[Mahtab Qadr]

zarqa ji salaam
aap ki daad ka mashkoor hoN.
mahtab qadr

Mahtaab sahib
aapki ghazal buhat pasand aayii
khaas tor per yeh sher
kia bajuz ruswaai kuch hasil huva
raaz AoroN ko bataana chorhde
zmufti

[irfan barabankwi]

mohtaram

mehtab bhai

salam

aaj aapki yeh khoobsurat ghazal paRhney ka ittefaq hau. wah kiya khoob ghazal Ataa farmayi hai. aakhir aap ustad haiN phir ghazal kiyoN na achhi ho. meri janib se dili daad qubool kareiN. shukriyah

khair andaish

irfan barabankwi

[Mahtab Qadr]

janab irfan sahib ,chaliye ittefaq to huva, agar ye ittefaq na bhi hota to kia karleta mai aapka..:) bhai sahib mujhe asatiza ki fahrist mai na gardaaniye , aik to ye ke mai iska ahl nahi samajhta apne ko aur dosri baaat ye ke is se baaz asatiza ki naraazgi ka bhi khadsha hai.
shukria aaki daad o tahseen ka.
niazmand
Mahtab Qadr