ustaz-e muhtaram abdullah nazir
asslamu alikum
ummid hai aap kheriyyat se hoN ge ..
az rah-e karam apne mulahazaat inayat farmaa-eN
wasslam
SK
ILTIJAA.....
Moderator: Muzaffar Ahmad Muzaffar
ILTIJAA.....
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Abdullah Nazir
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- Posts: 2681
- Joined: Sat Dec 11, 2004 4:16 am
- Location: Jeddah
- Contact:
meri raaye
MuHtaramah SK. Saahibah,
Purkhuloos Tasleemaat,
Yeh ghazal aek kaamyaab koushish hei jis ke liye meri daad aur mubaarakbaad Haazir hei.
JahaN tak iSlaaH kaa taAlluq hei, meri apni zaati aaraa Hasb-e-zeil heiN:
1-aapka dil jou chaahe sazaa deejiye
kyaa vajah rooThne kii bataa deejiye.
Is maTleA ke doosre miSreA meiN lafz "vajah" ghalat hei jo daraSl "vajh" hounaa chaahiye. Is miSreA ko kis TaraH se ham badal sakte heiN:
a- kyaa sabab rooThne kaa bataa deejiye.
b- Vajh kyaa rooThne kii bataadeejiye
c- Pahle, mujhko sabab tou bataadeejiye
d- Vajh-e-naaraaZagi tou bataadeejiye.
In meiN se (d) ko us waqt ikhtiyaar kiyaa jaasaktaa hei jab ke kam se kam alfaaz badalne ko tarjeeH dii jaaye wrenah (c) baghair kisi izaafat ke munaasib miSraA hei.
2-Aapki zeest meiN Harf-e-muhmal heiN gar
yooN nah taRpaaiye sar, miTaadeejiye.
Is sheAr ke vazn meiN houne ke bavajood aur achche mazmoon ke baavajood alfaaz iaa isteAmaal munaasib nahiN hei. Isko ham yooN karsakte heiN:
(HeiN agar Harf-e-muhmal ke maanand ham
yooN nah taRpaayhiyegaa, miTaadeejiye)
3- Mujhko besood shamAaa samjhte hou gar
leejiye aag mujhko jalaadeejiye.
Pahle miSreA meiN Zameer-e-mustatir hei "tum" aur doosre meiN "aap" jiski vajah se shutur gurbah kii Soorat paidaa hougaie hei. Pahle miSreA meiN lafz "shamAaa" kaa ghalaT hei jiskaa ilaaj yooN kiyaa jaasaktaa hei: (shamA-e-be'sood mukhko samjhte hou gar) lekin majmooAi Taur per poore sheAr kaa ilaaj yooN mumkin hei:
(shamA-e-be'sood hooN maiN agar mehrbaaN
meri be-faiZ lau ko bujhaadeejiye)
4- raaHat-e-jaaN nah khaamoush baiThe rahou
ik dafaA hii sahi, muskuraadeejiyhe.
Is sheAr meiN bhi shutur gurbah hei. MajmooAi Taur per is sheAr ko yooN behtar banaayaa jaaskataa hei:
(raaHat-e-jaaN, jabeeN per shikan kab talak
ik dafaA hii sahi, muskuraadeejiye)
5- sun ke aaheN miri wo pighalte nahiN
koushisheN laakh keeN, aur kyaa keejiye.
Achchaa sheAr hei. Lafz "pighalte" hounaa chaahiye.
6- aek iHsaan meHfil bhari meiN kareN
apne haathaoN se :Saaghar: giraadeejiye.
Pahle miSreA meiN "bhari meHfil" ko "meHfil bharii" kehnaa naa munaasib hei. Doosre miSreA meiN "apne haathaoN se :Saaghar: ko giraadeejiye" kii bajaye :Saaghar: giraadeejiye bhii ghair munaasib hei. Is maqTeA kaa ilaaj kisTarah se kiyaa jaaye?
(bazm-e-aHbaab meiN keeje itnaa karam
apne :Saaghar: kii qeemat giraadeejiye)
Note: mumkin hei doosre asaatizah kii mukhtalif raaye hou aur wo mujh se behtar iSlaah de sakeN.
Islaah shudah ghazal urdu meiN pesh karrahaa hooN.
Aapka Mukhlis,
Nazir.
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wah SK ek arsa-e-daraaz ke baad tumhe mehfil meiN dekh kar behad khushi hui....achchi ghazal kahi hai jo ke Nazir sahab ki islaah ke baad aur chamak gayi hai....bahut daad haazir hai! aate rehna aur mehfil ko apne kalaam se sajaate rehna 
Shumaila
Shumaila
Koi pooche humse hamaari haalat ka sabab
to ashk baha kar bhi baat adhoori reh jati hai
Waqt jaise kahin thehar sa gaya hai
Na Gham jaata hai na khushi aati hai