salaam dosto,
kaisii/kaise haiN aap sabhii Khawaateen o Hazraat,
aapne shaayad is baat ko NOTE kiyaa ho ki maiN kabhii koii NAZM nahiiN kahtaa...shaaz o naadir hii kabhii koii nazm kahii ho vo bhii be-dili ke saath. magar aaj jo nazm maiN aapke saamne pesh karne kii jasaarat kar rahaa huuN vo merii ek sanjeeda kaavish hai. is nazm ko maiN ne 11 roz meN mukammil kii aur iske har har band ke har har misr'e ke har har alfaaz par meHnat kii hai. ab dekhnaa sirf yeh hai ki merii yeh maHnat kisii gat kii bhii hai ya bas yuNhii mashq-e-be_ma'nii hai. yeh baat to aap qaare'iin hii bataa sakeNge is liye aapkii aaraa kaa shiddat se intezaar rahegaa. shukria.
to, nazm ba_'umwaan "taqdees-e-talab" mulaaHizah farmaaiye:
maiN jaantaa huuN tumhaarii nigaah kaa mafhoom
mirii Hayaat kaa partav hai jiskii jumbiish meN
mire sha'oor kii dai'reena aarzoo kaa gudaaz
hazaaroN saal se maKhfii hai jiskii larzish meN
sukoot-e-shab meN fazaaoN kii naGhmagii, tum ho!
chaman_chaman ke bahaaroN kii taazgii, tum ho!
kalii_kalii kaa tabassum, shaguftagii, tum ho!
Khumaar_baar nazaaroN kii dil_kashii, tum ho!
zamiin-e-shauq kii har rah_guzar tumhaarii hai
tumhaare naam se jalte haiN chaahatoN ke charaaGh!
maiN jaantaa huuN tumhaarii Hasiin palkoN par
chhalak rahe haiN phir aaNsoo miri moHabbat meN
samajh sako to miri mushkiloN ko behtar hai
maiN zindagii ke kisii moR par, magar, ik baar
tumhare paas ba_har taur lauT aauuNgaa
tumhaare Husn kii ra'naaiyoN meN gum ho kar
maiN apnii rooH kii taskeen phir se kar luuNgaa
magar, yeh raaz tum pe 'ayaaN ho to behtar hai
tumhaarii aaNkh kaa motii hai waqt_saaz abhii
Tapak na jaaye kahiiN iztiraab-e-jaaN ho kar
mire Khuloos_o_moHabbat kaa vaasta tumko
jo ho sake to miraa intezaar kar lenaa!
maiN jaantaa huuN tumhaarii nigaah kaa mafhoom!
taqdees-e-talab...merii pahlii sanjeeda nazm
Moderator: Muzaffar Ahmad Muzaffar
-
Hashmat Usmani
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- Posts: 1173
- Joined: Wed Dec 08, 2004 1:00 pm
- Location: Kitchener, Ontario, Canada
- Contact:
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Sarwar A. Raz
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- Posts: 518
- Joined: Sat Jan 01, 2005 3:18 pm
- Location: Fort Worth, Texas
- Contact:
mukarramee Hashmat SaaHeb: aadaab!
aap kee (ba-qaul-e-Khud) "pehlee sanjeedah" naz^m baaSirah-nawaaz huyee. is ko kayee baar paRhaa aur lut^f-andoz huwaa. daad qubool keejiYe. maiN bh`ee aap kee t^araH Ghazal kaa shaa,i'r hooN aur naz^m bohat hee kam kehtaa hooN. is liYe aap kee naz^m par jo kuch` kahooN gaa us kee Haiciyyat ma'loom! ph`ir bh`ee kuch` kehne kee jasaarat kar rahaa hooN. dekh` lene meN to harj naheeN hai? shukriyah!
aap kee meHnat naz^m ke alfaaz^ ke intiKhaab aur ash,a'ar kee bunat se z^aahir hai. yeh hunar aasaan naheeN hai aur aap is Hawaaleh se daad ke mustaHiq haiN! so HaaZ^ir hai!!
maiN ne naz^m ko apne tajziyeh ke ba'd kuch` TukRoN meN munqasim kiyaa hai (jin ko "-----" se dikh`aayaa hai) aur miSro'N par number Daal diYe haiN taa.k guftgoo meN aasaanee ho. qausain meN, {ya'nee (-----) meN} maiN ne kuch` miSro'N kee mutabaadil shakleN bh`ee likh` dee haiN jo naz^m paRhte waqt Zehn meN aayeeN. taujeehaat se gurez kar rahaa hooN warnah Khat^ bohat t^aweel ho jaaYe gaa!
aap ne (1)-(4) aur (5)-{8} meN zer-o-bam (rhythm) kaa ek naqshah qaa,im kiyaa hai jo bohat bh`alaa aur mu,accar hai. lekin (9) ke ba'd aap ne Khudaa jaane kis vajh se is naqsheh se mut^laq gurez iKhtiyaar kiyaa hai aur, har-chand keh naz^m kaa wazn bar-qaraar rakh`aa hai lekin us ko ek aazaad see Soorat de kar zer-o-bam kee acar-paZeeree ko qurbaan kar diyaa hai. meree raaYe meN aisaa karnaa mustaHsin naheeN hai. ab aap kee naz^m do-laKht ho kar reh gayee hai aur qaaree ko alfaaz^ kee bh`ool-bh`ulaiyyoN meN qadre muZabZab ch`oR gayee hai. zer-o-bam se naz^m kee tafheem meN jo aasaanee aur acar th`aa woh aaKhiree HiSSeh meN maujood naheeN rahaa hai.
miSra' {18} :typo: kaa shikaar hai. shaayad aap :magar, yeh raaz ho tum pe 'ayaaN to behtar hai: likh`naa chaahate th`e. is manzil meN yeh waaZ^eH naheeN ho paayaa hai keh {18} kaa it^laaq us se pehle ke miSro'N par hai yaa us ke ba'd aane waaloN par! aaNsoo kaa :waqt-saaz: honaa aur :iZ^t^iraab-e-jaaN: ho kar Tapak paRnaa bh`ee maHalle-e-naz^ar haiN aur in kaa naz^m kee ma'nee-aafreenee se ta,a'lluq mubham hai.
agar aap naz^m ke aaKhiree HiSSeh, ya'nee (11)- (22) par shuroo' ke naqshe' kee raushanee meN naz^ar-e-caanee kar leN to naz^m meN chaar chaaNd lag sakte haiN. lekin yeh Sirf meraa Khayaal hai. Amjad SaaHeb jaise SaaHeb-e-i'lm is par apnee muhr-taSdeeq-o-sitaayish cabt kar chuke haiN. is ke ba'd mujh` ko Khaamosh ho jaanaa chaahiYe th`aa lekin aap jaante hee haiN keh :chor choree se jaataa hai, heraa-ph`eree se naheeN jaataa:!
guZaarish hai keh meree Khaamah-farsaayee ko bardaasht kar leN. ek baar ph`ir ek u'mdah kaavish par dilee mubaarakbaad!
Sarwar A. Raz "Sarwar"
-------------------------------
"taqdees-e-talab"
(1) maiN jaantaa huuN tumhaarii nigaah kaa mafhoom
(2) mirii Hayaat kaa partav hai jiskii jumbiish meN
(3) mire sha'oor kii dai'reena aarzoo kaa gudaaz
(4) hazaaroN saal se maKhfii hai jiskii larzish meN
-----------------------
(5) sukoot-e-shab meN fazaaoN kii naGhmagii, tum ho!
(6) chaman_chaman ke bahaaroN kii taazgii, tum ho!
(dayaar-e-dil kee bahaaroN kee taazagee tum ho)
(7) kalii_kalii kaa tabassum, shaguftagii, tum ho!
(kalee kaa Husn, guloN kee shiguftagee tum ho)
{8} Khumaar_baar nazaaroN kii dil_kashii, tum ho!
---------------------------
(9) zamiin-e-shauq kii har rah_guzar tumhaarii hai
(miree Hayaat-e-HazeeN sar-basar tumhaaree hai)
--------------------------
(10) tumhaare naam se jalte haiN chaahatoN ke charaaGh!
(tumhaare dam se hee jalte haiN chaahatoN ke chiraaGh)
---------------------------
(11) maiN jaantaa huuN tumhaarii Hasiin palkoN par
(12) chhalak rahe haiN phir aaNsoo miri moHabbat meN
(13) samajh sako to miri mushkiloN ko behtar hai
(samajh` sako jo miree mushkileN to behtar hai)
(14) maiN zindagii ke kisii moR par, magar, ik baar
(15) tumhare paas ba_har taur lauT aauuNgaa
(16) tumhaare Husn kii ra'naaiyoN meN gum ho kar
(17) maiN apnii rooH kii taskeen phir se kar luuNgaa
---------------------
{18} magar, yeh raaz tum pe 'ayaaN ho to behtar hai
---------------------
(19) tumhaarii aaNkh kaa motii hai waqt_saaz abhii
(20) Tapak na jaaye kahiiN iztiraab-e-jaaN ho kar
(21) mire Khuloos_o_moHabbat kaa vaasta tumko
(22) jo ho sake to miraa intezaar kar lenaa!
(23) maiN jaantaa huuN tumhaarii nigaah kaa mafhoom!
aap kee (ba-qaul-e-Khud) "pehlee sanjeedah" naz^m baaSirah-nawaaz huyee. is ko kayee baar paRhaa aur lut^f-andoz huwaa. daad qubool keejiYe. maiN bh`ee aap kee t^araH Ghazal kaa shaa,i'r hooN aur naz^m bohat hee kam kehtaa hooN. is liYe aap kee naz^m par jo kuch` kahooN gaa us kee Haiciyyat ma'loom! ph`ir bh`ee kuch` kehne kee jasaarat kar rahaa hooN. dekh` lene meN to harj naheeN hai? shukriyah!
aap kee meHnat naz^m ke alfaaz^ ke intiKhaab aur ash,a'ar kee bunat se z^aahir hai. yeh hunar aasaan naheeN hai aur aap is Hawaaleh se daad ke mustaHiq haiN! so HaaZ^ir hai!!
maiN ne naz^m ko apne tajziyeh ke ba'd kuch` TukRoN meN munqasim kiyaa hai (jin ko "-----" se dikh`aayaa hai) aur miSro'N par number Daal diYe haiN taa.k guftgoo meN aasaanee ho. qausain meN, {ya'nee (-----) meN} maiN ne kuch` miSro'N kee mutabaadil shakleN bh`ee likh` dee haiN jo naz^m paRhte waqt Zehn meN aayeeN. taujeehaat se gurez kar rahaa hooN warnah Khat^ bohat t^aweel ho jaaYe gaa!
aap ne (1)-(4) aur (5)-{8} meN zer-o-bam (rhythm) kaa ek naqshah qaa,im kiyaa hai jo bohat bh`alaa aur mu,accar hai. lekin (9) ke ba'd aap ne Khudaa jaane kis vajh se is naqsheh se mut^laq gurez iKhtiyaar kiyaa hai aur, har-chand keh naz^m kaa wazn bar-qaraar rakh`aa hai lekin us ko ek aazaad see Soorat de kar zer-o-bam kee acar-paZeeree ko qurbaan kar diyaa hai. meree raaYe meN aisaa karnaa mustaHsin naheeN hai. ab aap kee naz^m do-laKht ho kar reh gayee hai aur qaaree ko alfaaz^ kee bh`ool-bh`ulaiyyoN meN qadre muZabZab ch`oR gayee hai. zer-o-bam se naz^m kee tafheem meN jo aasaanee aur acar th`aa woh aaKhiree HiSSeh meN maujood naheeN rahaa hai.
miSra' {18} :typo: kaa shikaar hai. shaayad aap :magar, yeh raaz ho tum pe 'ayaaN to behtar hai: likh`naa chaahate th`e. is manzil meN yeh waaZ^eH naheeN ho paayaa hai keh {18} kaa it^laaq us se pehle ke miSro'N par hai yaa us ke ba'd aane waaloN par! aaNsoo kaa :waqt-saaz: honaa aur :iZ^t^iraab-e-jaaN: ho kar Tapak paRnaa bh`ee maHalle-e-naz^ar haiN aur in kaa naz^m kee ma'nee-aafreenee se ta,a'lluq mubham hai.
agar aap naz^m ke aaKhiree HiSSeh, ya'nee (11)- (22) par shuroo' ke naqshe' kee raushanee meN naz^ar-e-caanee kar leN to naz^m meN chaar chaaNd lag sakte haiN. lekin yeh Sirf meraa Khayaal hai. Amjad SaaHeb jaise SaaHeb-e-i'lm is par apnee muhr-taSdeeq-o-sitaayish cabt kar chuke haiN. is ke ba'd mujh` ko Khaamosh ho jaanaa chaahiYe th`aa lekin aap jaante hee haiN keh :chor choree se jaataa hai, heraa-ph`eree se naheeN jaataa:!
guZaarish hai keh meree Khaamah-farsaayee ko bardaasht kar leN. ek baar ph`ir ek u'mdah kaavish par dilee mubaarakbaad!
Sarwar A. Raz "Sarwar"
-------------------------------
"taqdees-e-talab"
(1) maiN jaantaa huuN tumhaarii nigaah kaa mafhoom
(2) mirii Hayaat kaa partav hai jiskii jumbiish meN
(3) mire sha'oor kii dai'reena aarzoo kaa gudaaz
(4) hazaaroN saal se maKhfii hai jiskii larzish meN
-----------------------
(5) sukoot-e-shab meN fazaaoN kii naGhmagii, tum ho!
(6) chaman_chaman ke bahaaroN kii taazgii, tum ho!
(dayaar-e-dil kee bahaaroN kee taazagee tum ho)
(7) kalii_kalii kaa tabassum, shaguftagii, tum ho!
(kalee kaa Husn, guloN kee shiguftagee tum ho)
{8} Khumaar_baar nazaaroN kii dil_kashii, tum ho!
---------------------------
(9) zamiin-e-shauq kii har rah_guzar tumhaarii hai
(miree Hayaat-e-HazeeN sar-basar tumhaaree hai)
--------------------------
(10) tumhaare naam se jalte haiN chaahatoN ke charaaGh!
(tumhaare dam se hee jalte haiN chaahatoN ke chiraaGh)
---------------------------
(11) maiN jaantaa huuN tumhaarii Hasiin palkoN par
(12) chhalak rahe haiN phir aaNsoo miri moHabbat meN
(13) samajh sako to miri mushkiloN ko behtar hai
(samajh` sako jo miree mushkileN to behtar hai)
(14) maiN zindagii ke kisii moR par, magar, ik baar
(15) tumhare paas ba_har taur lauT aauuNgaa
(16) tumhaare Husn kii ra'naaiyoN meN gum ho kar
(17) maiN apnii rooH kii taskeen phir se kar luuNgaa
---------------------
{18} magar, yeh raaz tum pe 'ayaaN ho to behtar hai
---------------------
(19) tumhaarii aaNkh kaa motii hai waqt_saaz abhii
(20) Tapak na jaaye kahiiN iztiraab-e-jaaN ho kar
(21) mire Khuloos_o_moHabbat kaa vaasta tumko
(22) jo ho sake to miraa intezaar kar lenaa!
(23) maiN jaantaa huuN tumhaarii nigaah kaa mafhoom!
yooN aur bohat a'ib haiN :Sarwar: meN wa-lekin
kambaKht muHabbat meN to yaktaa nazar aayaa
Sarwar A. Raz :Sarwar:
kambaKht muHabbat meN to yaktaa nazar aayaa
Sarwar A. Raz :Sarwar:
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Abdullah Nazir
- -
- Posts: 2681
- Joined: Sat Dec 11, 2004 4:16 am
- Location: Jeddah
- Contact:
Bahut khoob
MuHtarami
Hashmat Usmaani SaaHib,
Purkhuloos Tasleemaat,
Sarwar SaaHib kaa tabsirah apni jagh hei, lekin uske baavajood mujhe aapkaa andaaz-e-bayaaN beHad pasand aayaa. Aapki is kaamyaab kaavish per meri daad aur mubaarakbaad qubool farmaayiye.
Aapka Mukhl;is,
Nazir.
