"ab aek saans bhi layna muhaal hota hai."

[farhan]

As salamu aalikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu,

urdu bandhan kay mahana tarahi mushaira main is baar diyeagaye misra per main nay bhi kuch taba aazmayee ki.....kuch khayaalaat ko alfaaz main tarteeb diya......jo hazir-e-khidmat hai......ummid karta hoon ki apni qeemati aara say zaroor nawazeengaye...

NOTE:-is ghazal kay pahlay sheir ko lafz "hai" ko "tha" say tabdeel kiya gaya hai ta ka ghazal ka majmooyee taccur, mutaccir na ho.....


jahan-e-ranG-o-boo, tayra jamal hota tha!
tira wajood bhi kaisa, kamaal hota tha?

laga hai zanG tire taiG-e-Khudi ko, dekh zara
tire shikast say aadam, malaal hota hai.

hua hai daira-e-zeest tanG tayra youN
"ab aek saans bhi layna muhaal hota hai."

hai jaGuzeeN dil-e-muslim main khouff kafir ka
bhatakti qoum ka kaisa m'Aal hota hai.

nahin, k hasil-e-souda-e-Khaam kuch bhi nahin
bay faiz sab shab-e-akhir manaal hota hai.

Aata ho fitrat-e-seemabi noujawanoon ko
k qoum per tan-e-AasaaN wabaal hota hai.

hayaat naam hai farhaN! talash-e-raaz-e-khudi
k har jawab main phir ik sawal hota hai.


JAZAKALLAH...


duavoon ka talib

Farhan

[Abdullah Nazir]

MuHtarami o Azeezi
FarHan SaaHib,

PurkhulooS Tasleemaat,

Aapki ghazal bahut pasand aayi, jiske liye meri dili daad aur mubaarakbaad qubool farmaayiye.

MULAAHIZAAT:

jahan-e-ranG-o-boo, tayra jamal hota tha!
tira wajood bhi kaisa, kamaal hota tha?

Aap ne likhaa hei ke aap ne maTleA ki radeef ko "hei" se "thaa" meiN tabdeel kardiyaa hei. Is se behtar thaa ke aap aise maTleA ko ghazal meiN shaamil nahiN karte kiyunkeh abhi tak aisaa koii qaaAidah raayij nahiN houaa.
Pahlaa miSraA beHr se khaarij hei kiyunkeh aap lafz "boo" ke Harf waao ko saaaiT karrahe heiN.. Isko yooN karsakte heiN:
jahaan-e-rang meiN teraa jamaal houtaa thaa yaa phir:
Jahaan-e-faani meiN teraa jamaal houtaa thaa.
BaharHal yeh matlaA ghazal meiN shaamil nahiN housaktaa.

laga hai zanG tire taiG-e-Khudi ko, dekh zara
tire shikast say aadam, malaal hota hai.

Pahlaa miSraA beHr se khaarij hei, jisko yooN karsakte heiN:
laga hai zang tiri aagahi ko, dekh zara

[u[hua hai daira-e-zeest tanG tayra youN
"ab aek saans bhi layna muhaal hota hai." [/u]

Achchi gireh hei. Isko yooN likhiye:
houa hei daaira-e-zeest tang tera yooN

hai jaGuzeeN dil-e-muslim main khouff kafir ka
bhatakti qoum ka kaisa m'Aal hota hai.

yeh islaami jazbaati sheAr hei aur beHr meiN hei.

nahin, k hasil-e-souda-e-Khaam kuch bhi nahin
bay faiz sab shab-e-akhir manaal hota hai.

doosra miSraA be-beHr hougayaa hei. Is miSreA ko yooN karsakte heiN:
Fuzool sab shab-e-aakhir, manaal houtaa hei

Aata ho fitrat-e-seemabi noujawanoon ko
k qoum per tan-e-AasaaN wabaal hota hai.

sheAr vazn meiN hei aur achchaa hei.

hayaat naam hai farhaN! talash-e-raaz-e-khudi
k har jawab main phir ik sawal hota hai.

MaqTaA vazn meiN hei lekin ibaarat meiN ibhaam hei. Pahle miSreA ke aakhir meiN "kaa" ki kami hei.

Aap apni sheAri SalaaHiyyat ko behtar banaane ke liye bahut hi saadah alfaaz meiN likhne ki koushish keejiye. Aise ashAar jin meiN aap izaafati tarkeebeN isteAmaal karnaa chaahte heiN Sirf seekhne ke liye apne paas rakhiye taa'aaNkeh aapko sheAr kehne per malakah HaaSil houjaaye.


Aapka MukhliS,
Nazir.

[farhan]

MOHTARMI JANAB ABDULLAH NAZIR SAHEB.....

Aap ka tafseeli jawab paRha aur bahut kuch seeknay ko mila...yahan yeh baat na munasib nahin hogi agar main yeh kahoon ki main abhi Tifl-e-maktab hoon...agar aap apni majlis main zanoo-e-adab teh karnay ka mouqa deeN to bahut kuch main seekh pavoonga.....

aap nay jin ashaar ya misroon ki tasheeh ki hai main unheen qabool karta hoon....aur lagay hatoon main yeh bhi aap say poochta chaloon ki shairee main izaafati tarkeebeN isteAmaal kay mutalluq agar aap kay pass koi mufeed mazmoon ho to eenayat farmayeega....main mashkoor rahoonga...


sara ji aap nay jis khuloos ka izhaar kiya hia main is kay liye aap ka bhi bhaut mamoon hoon....JAZAKUMULLAHU KHAIRA......


faqt..

farhan