mukhtasar zindagii na ho jaaye

[Shummu]

Salaam..ek nayi ghazal saada si pesh-e-khidmat hai 'urdudan' pe diye gaye misre ki zameen aur behr pe..iraada nahi tha post karne ka mushaaira muqable ke ailaan se pehle magar chunki main india jaa rahi hoon 28th ko isliye socha jaane se pehle share kar loon...ummeed hai aap logon ko pasand aayegi.. :) Btw,is baar sirf ek 'matla' hai ;)

mehrbaaN dushmanii na ho jaaye
yak-ba-yak dostii na ho jaaye!

itna khul ke milaa na kar sab se
raaz ifshaa koii na ho jaaye!

Koi sunta nahiN kisi ki yahaaN
Her taraf khaamushi na ho jaaye !

dil-e-muztar ki daastaaN sun kar
kahiN tuu bhii dukhii na ho jaaye!

kyuN chupaate ho apne chehre ko
chaar su teergii na ho jaaye!

shab-e-qurbat ka ye haseeN manzar
pal kahiN aakhrii na ho jaaye

har ghaRii Dar yahii sataata hai
ke khushii aarzii na ho jaaye

mujh ko Dar hai tumhaari chaahat meiN
dheere dheere kamii na ho jaaye

baDe gusse meiN woh to aaye haiN
aaj aafat khaRee na ho jaaye

dil-e-naazuk lo aaj phir TooTaa
kahiN phir shaa'irii na ho jaaye!

Aye miree JAAN! teri furqat meiN
mukhtasar zindagii na ho jaaye

ye raqaabat "Shumaailah" phir se
baa'is-e-be-kalii na ho jaaye!

--aap ki aara ki muntazir,
Shumaila

[Abdullah Nazir]

SHUMMU


Purkhuloos Tasleemaat,

Aapki ghazal behad pasand aayi jis per maiN apni raaye kaa yooN izhaar karrahaa hooN. Yeh zaroori nahiN keh aap meiri raaye se muttafiq houN.

mehrbaaN dushmanii na ho jaaye
yak-ba-yak dostii na ho jaaye!

MatleA meiN dushman kii bajaye dushmani ke lafz se us maqsad tak pahonchna gokeh baRi mushkil se samajh meiN aataa hei lekin Theek hei. MaTlah achchaa hei.

itna khul ke milaa na kar sab se
raaz afshaaN koii na ho jaaye!

Doosre misreA meiN lafz "ifshaa" hounaa chaahiye. AfshaaN usko khete heiN jo Aam Taur per AurataiN apne baalaoN meiN isteAmal karti heiN. Usi se hei afshaaN chunna. Agar saheeH lafz se badal diyaa jaaye tou yeh sheAr bahut achchaa hei.

Koi sunta nahiN kisi ki yahaaN
Her taraf khaamushi na ho jaaye !

Is sheAr kaa tou javaab nahiN Shummu. Bahut hii achcha sheAr hei.

dil-e-muztar ki daastaaN sun kar
kahiN tuu bhii dukhii na ho jaaye!

Yeh sheAr bhii laajavaab hei. Bahut khoob.

kyuN chupaate ho apne chehre ko
chaar su teergii na ho jaaye!

Waah waah Shummu, is sheAr meiN tou waaqAii bahut hii haseen taghazzul hei.

shab-e-qurbat ka ye haseeN manzar
pal kahiN aakhrii na ho jaaye

Is sheAr ko samajhne ke liye pahle misreA ke aakhir meiN Alaamat-e-taAjjub lagaanaa zaroori houjaataa hei warnah dounoN misraAoN meiN rabT ko samajhne meiN mushkil paish aati hei.

har ghaRii Dar yahii sataata hai
ke khushii aarzii na ho jaaye

Waah waah, yeh sheAr bhi bahut achchaa hei. Lekin is per maiN filbadeeh yeh kahoongaa:
(yaas o HirmaaN kii kyaa zaroorat hei
zindagaani tou khoobsoorat hei)

mujh ko Dar hai tumhaari chaahat meiN
dheere dheere kamii na ho jaaye

Yeh sheAr bhii Achchaa hei lekin yahaN bhii vohi yaas o naumeediy-e-khaatir kaar farmaa hei.

baDe gusse meiN woh to aaye haiN
aaj aafat khaRee na ho jaaye

Jee yahaN pahle misreA meiN "tou" kii bajaye "jou" munaasib maloom houtaa hei. SheAr bahut achchaa hei.

dil-e-naazuk lo aaj phir TooTaa
kahiN phir shaa'irii na ho jaaye!

Dil ke TooTne se shaaAiry ke taAlluq kaa bayaan durust hei kiyooNkeh shaayiri se shayer/shayera apne jazbaat ka izhaar kartaa/karti hei aur apne haalaat kii bhii Akkaasi katraa/karti hei.

Aye miree JAAN! teri furqat meiN
mukhtasar zindagii na ho jaaye

Kyaa kehne Shummu, yeh sheAr bhii taghazzul kaa saraapa hei. Bahut khoob.

ye raqaabat "Shumaailah" phir se
baa'is-e-be-kalii na ho jaaye!

MaqTaA bhii khoob hei. Lafz "ye" ke isteAmal se raqaabat ko sirf shaairah hii samajh sakti hei yaa uske qareeb rehne waale. Wo is liye ke jab ham demonstrative pronoun isteAmal karte heiN tou vohi loag uska maqsad jaan sakte heiN jo kahne waalaoN ke paas baiThe yaa khaRe houe heiN.
Baharhaal manawi leHaaz se maqTaA bhii achchaa hei. Is meiN aap ne Shumaa'ilah jou takhallus ke taur per isteAmaal kiyaa hei kyaa hamishah ke liye yehi takhallus apnaaliyaa hei?

Aakhir meiN Shummu, yeh kehnaa zaroori hei ke aapki fikr aur andaaz-e-bayaan meiN jou taraqqi houi hei wo qaabil-e-mubarakbaad hei. MajmooAi Taur per is bahut hii khoobsoorat ghazal per apni daad aur mubaarkabad paish kartaa hooN.


Aapka Mukhlis,
Nazir.[/i]

[Shummu]

SHUMMU


Purkhuloos Tasleemaat,

Aapki ghazal behad pasand aayi jis per maiN apni raaye kaa yooN izhaar karrahaa hooN. Yeh zaroori nahiN keh aap meiri raaye se muttafiq houN.


Salaam Nazir Bhai...mujhe is qadar khushi mehsoos ho rahi hai ye dekh kar ke aap ne ek ek sher pe apni raaye di hai...WaAllah dil baaGh baaGh ho gaya aap jaise azeem shaayar ki daad paa ke :D

mehrbaaN dushmanii na ho jaaye
yak-ba-yak dostii na ho jaaye!

MatleA meiN dushman kii bajaye dushmani ke lafz se us maqsad tak pahonchna gokeh baRi mushkil se samajh meiN aataa hei lekin Theek hei. MaTlah achchaa hei.

--Hmmm Shukriya khaamiyoN ke bawajood MATLE ko pass karne ka :)

itna khul ke milaa na kar sab se
raaz afshaaN koii na ho jaaye!

Doosre misreA meiN lafz "ifshaa" hounaa chaahiye. AfshaaN usko khete heiN jo Aam Taur per AurataiN apne baalaoN meiN isteAmal karti heiN. Usi se hei afshaaN chunna. Agar saheeH lafz se badal diyaa jaaye tou yeh sheAr bahut achchaa hei.

--jee jee maine LAFZ durust kar liya hai..yaqeenan mera matlub "raaz ifshaa" hi tha..shukriya nishaandehi farmaane ka :D

Koi sunta nahiN kisi ki yahaaN
Her taraf khaamushi na ho jaaye !

Is sheAr kaa tou javaab nahiN Shummu. Bahut hii achcha sheAr hei.

--BEHAD SHUKRIYA :)

dil-e-muztar ki daastaaN sun kar
kahiN tuu bhii dukhii na ho jaaye!

Yeh sheAr bhii laajavaab hei. Bahut khoob.

--Nawazish! 8)

kyuN chupaate ho apne chehre ko
chaar su teergii na ho jaaye!

Waah waah Shummu, is sheAr meiN tou waaqAii bahut hii haseen taghazzul hei.

--aap ne itni tareef ki hai to yaqeenan sher meiN dam hoga..behad shukriya :D

shab-e-qurbat ka ye haseeN manzar
pal kahiN aakhrii na ho jaaye

Is sheAr ko samajhne ke liye pahle misreA ke aakhir meiN Alaamat-e-taAjjub lagaanaa zaroori houjaataa hei warnah dounoN misraAoN meiN rabT ko samajhne meiN mushkil paish aati hei.

--hmm...

har ghaRii Dar yahii sataata hai
ke khushii aarzii na ho jaaye

Waah waah, yeh sheAr bhi bahut achchaa hei. Lekin is per maiN filbadeeh yeh kahoongaa:
(yaas o HirmaaN kii kyaa zaroorat hei
zindagaani tou khoobsoorat hei)

--mere sher ko pasand farmaane ka shukriya ..saath ek aur khoobsurat sher sunaane ka bhi :)

mujh ko Dar hai tumhaari chaahat meiN
dheere dheere kamii na ho jaaye

Yeh sheAr bhii Achchaa hei lekin yahaN bhii vohi yaas o naumeediy-e-khaatir kaar farmaa hei.

--jee...ye to hai

baDe gusse meiN woh to aaye haiN
aaj aafat khaRee na ho jaaye

Jee yahaN pahle misreA meiN "tou" kii bajaye "jou" munaasib maloom houtaa hei. SheAr bahut achchaa hei.

--han "jo" zyaada munaasib lag raha hai.main mazeed sochti hoon is baare meiN ..shukriya waise! :D

dil-e-naazuk lo aaj phir TooTaa
kahiN phir shaa'irii na ho jaaye!

Dil ke TooTne se shaaAiry ke taAlluq kaa bayaan durust hei kiyooNkeh shaayiri se shayer/shayera apne jazbaat ka izhaar kartaa/karti hei aur apne haalaat kii bhii Akkaasi katraa/karti hei.


--jee beshak isliye isi khayaal ko madd-e-nazra rakhte hue ye sher kaha tha :)

Aye miree JAAN! teri furqat meiN
mukhtasar zindagii na ho jaaye

Kyaa kehne Shummu, yeh sheAr bhii taghazzul kaa saraapa hei. Bahut khoob.

--mujhe khud apna ye sher bahut pasand hai aur ab aap jaise ustaad shaayar ne pasandeedagi ki mohar laga di to samajhiye meri mehnat vasool hui :D

ye raqaabat "Shumaailah" phir se
baa'is-e-be-kalii na ho jaaye!

MaqTaA bhii khoob hei. Lafz "ye" ke isteAmal se raqaabat ko sirf shaairah hii samajh sakti hei yaa uske qareeb rehne waale. Wo is liye ke jab ham demonstrative pronoun isteAmal karte heiN tou vohi loag uska maqsad jaan sakte heiN jo kahne waalaoN ke paas baiThe yaa khaRe houe heiN.
Baharhaal manawi leHaaz se maqTaA bhii achchaa hei. Is meiN aap ne Shumaa'ilah jou takhallus ke taur per isteAmaal kiyaa hei kyaa hamishah ke liye yehi takhallus apnaaliyaa hei?

--asl mein main to bahut kam aur shauqia likhti hoon ya jab koi aamad ho jaaye ..shaayri ko profession to banaana nahi hai...dili taskeeen ke liye likhti hoon isliye kya takhallus rakhoon isliye filhaal naam se hi kaam chalaa rahi hoon..lagta nahi ke kabhi koi takhallus rakhungi..waise bhi aksar achche takhallus 'in use' hain

Aakhir meiN Shummu, yeh kehnaa zaroori hei ke aapki fikr aur andaaz-e-bayaan meiN jou taraqqi houi hei wo qaabil-e-mubarakbaad hei. MajmooAi Taur per is bahut hii khoobsoorat ghazal per apni daad aur mubaarkabad paish kartaa hooN.
[/color]

Aapka Mukhlis,
Nazir.
[/size]

Nazir bhai mujhe yaad nahi paRta ke kabhi aapne itna dil khol ke..itni tafseel se..itni faraakh dili se meri puraani kisi kaavish ko saraaha ho...isliye is baar aap ke comments paRhke to mere hosh uR gaye...samajh nahi aa raha tha ke kahan se shukriya ke alfaaz laaoon...AAP ne meri ghazal ko saraaha yaani ho na ho kuch to baat zaroor hai ghazal meiN ....aur ye sochke main khushi se phoole nahi samaaN rahi :D Tah-e-dil se Shukriya aap ka keh aap ne apni masroofiyat mein se waqt nikaal kar itni detail mein meri adna si kaavish pe comments diye...main aap ki saraapa mamnoon hoon. :)

Talib-e-duaa,
SHumaila

[fatimah]

aslaam_u_alikam

shu tumhaari yeh gazal bohat achi lagii.

sabhii ashaar ohat khub kahey hain magar yeh ashaar khush khaas pasand aye.

Koi sunta nahiN kisi ki yahaaN
Her taraf khaamushi na ho jaaye !

har ghaRii Dar yahii sataata hai
ke khushii aarzii na ho jaaye

mujh ko Dar hai tumhaari chaahat meiN
dheere dheere kamii na ho jaaye

dil-e-naazuk lo aaj phir TooTaa
kahiN phir shaa'irii na ho jaaye!

dheron daad qubool karo.
likhti raho our hamein sunaati raho :p

shukriya

[Shummu]

aslaam_u_alikam

shu tumhaari yeh gazal bohat achi lagii.

sabhii ashaar ohat khub kahey hain magar yeh ashaar khush khaas pasand aye.

Koi sunta nahiN kisi ki yahaaN
Her taraf khaamushi na ho jaaye !

har ghaRii Dar yahii sataata hai
ke khushii aarzii na ho jaaye

mujh ko Dar hai tumhaari chaahat meiN
dheere dheere kamii na ho jaaye

dil-e-naazuk lo aaj phir TooTaa
kahiN phir shaa'irii na ho jaaye!

dheron daad qubool karo.
likhti raho our hamein sunaati raho :p

shukriya

w'salaam ...Thanx fati itne pyaare comments ka :) Mujhe khushi hui ke tumhe woh ashaar pasand aaye..daad ke liye nawaazish :D

Shumaila

[khozema husaini]

shumaila sahiba

aadab aap ki ghazal behad pasanda aaee miri taraf se dili daad hazir he


Husaini

[naheedv]

Dear Shumaila,

meraa buhat din ke ba'd idhar aanaa naheeN huvaa, aaj vaqt milaa tau tumhaari ye ghazal bhee paRhne ko milee.
mashaa'Allah buhat saadah alfaaz/khayaal meiN buhat ache she'r nikaale heiN tum ne. mujhe tau sab ghazal hi buhat pasaNd aa'ee, waah.
waisey ye zameen itnee nanni munni see hai ke iss meiN ghazal kehnaa aasaan naheeN hai, aur masha'allah tum ne tau dhair saare hi she'r likh daale :)
ba'ee mujhe tau ye zameen mushkil lagee thee iss liye taba' aazmaa'ee kee himmat naheeN paRee,
tumharee ye kaavish paRh kar dil khush ho geyaa hai, so buhat daad aur mubaarak baad qubool karo :)

mukhlis
Naheed

[Shummu]

shumaila sahiba

aadab aap ki ghazal behad pasanda aaee miri taraf se dili daad hazir he


Husaini

Adaab Khozema jee...ghazla ko pasand farmaane ka aur daad se nawaazne ka dili shukriya :)

Shumaila

[Shummu]

Dear Shumaila,

meraa buhat din ke ba'd idhar aanaa naheeN huvaa, aaj vaqt milaa tau tumhaari ye ghazal bhee paRhne ko milee.
mashaa'Allah buhat saadah alfaaz/khayaal meiN buhat ache she'r nikaale heiN tum ne. mujhe tau sab ghazal hi buhat pasaNd aa'ee, waah.
waisey ye zameen itnee nanni munni see hai ke iss meiN ghazal kehnaa aasaan naheeN hai, aur masha'allah tum ne tau dhair saare hi she'r likh daale :)
ba'ee mujhe tau ye zameen mushkil lagee thee iss liye taba' aazmaa'ee kee himmat naheeN paRee,
tumharee ye kaavish paRh kar dil khush ho geyaa hai, so buhat daad aur mubaarak baad qubool karo :)

mukhlis
Naheed

Dearesr Naheed sis!

Kaisi hain?Aap ke reply ka hamesha hi intizaar rehta hai kuch isliye bhi ke aap khud mashaAllah bahut achcha likhti hain. Mujhe bhi ye behr khaasi mushkil lagi thi kyonki ek to itni choTi si thi..upar se aadhaa wazan radeef,Qaafiya le jaa rahe the...mujhe shuru mein khaasi dushwaari hui likhte hue magar ek baar likhna shuru kiya to khud ba khud aamad hoti chali gayi...mujhe bahut khushi hai ke apa ko meri ye behad saada si ghazal bhi pasand aayi....dil ki gehraaiyon se shukriya itne pyaare comments dene ka! Waise aap bhi koshish karein ..yaqeenan aap bahut hi umda likh sakti hain....I'm sure! :D

talib-e-duaa,
Shumaila